She's making my life difficult enough with her attitude towards me.  That alone is enough to damage my sense of my work environment - I'm not thick-skinned.  I've been at this company and on this team project since March.

I asked a question about some requirements last Friday morning, even though I had to dare to question her knowledge in order to do so.  But the job responsibility was mine, so I wanted to make sure I had all the answers I needed to get the job done well.  Her response was:

"Jessica, I want you to repeat after me. [very slowly as if I were mentally damaged.] Those <insert technical jargon here> are not on the table and I want you to ignore them.  You see all that stuff with the grey headers?  I want you to pretend like you can't see them. [again very slowly for my benefit.]"

Between clenched teeth I told her I had just asked her that for clarification, but I didn't challenge her offensive treatment.  It was about the 500th time, in any case.  Earlier in the call she had said to the other participant, "I'm dragging, but Jessica sounds pretty perky this morning."  Mind you, she is not my supervisor, only the lead for the project I am banished to.

Fast forward: yesterday at the critical review of what I had to produce, it came out in our internal review that I had been correct, and was left with 30 minutes before the big client review to throw in all the missing functionality.  I did, and the review went well.

Late last night, she sends me this e-mail:

>>

Subject: formal apology

"You tried to tell me about the IMEI stuff, and I wasn’t hearing it.  So you were right, and I was…less right.  My apologies that it resulted in extra last minute work for you."

>>

That's it.  I just want to note that well before this debacle, I have been trying to find out how to file an HR report for her inappropriate behavior.  And now she does something so flagrant that actually threatens my work performance.  But guess what? I don't want her to half-not-apologize for the work screw-up.  Anyone can make a mistake.  She's not even my freaking boss-- who cares if she gave me wrong instructions?  Teammates work it out.  I'm a professional.

The thing she should really apologize for is her disgusting demeanor to me.  (Saying things like 'aww, my little girl is all grown up' when I send a fucking email correctly to a client.  Not exactly an achievement - I'm an experienced consultant.)

Does this even merit a response?  What on earth?!  Libra throws up her hands.<!--Session data--><!--Session data-->

Unfortunately I don't know what context of the social situation at your workplace so any ideas I would have would be limited by that. Depending on how long you still have on this particular project and working with this person I would recommend just waiting it out to the best of your ability. But that's me.

What kind of outcome would ultimately satisfy you? Odds are her attitude is not going to change enough to be helpful to you in the short term without higher up intervention and even if there is higher up intervention it would require a movement of personnel to be effective (if you still work with her, especially after something is reported, she'll probably still find a way to be a bitch). Can you talk to your supervisor to affect a change in some way? Any allies in higher places? Also have you talked to anyone about this in an official capacity?

I hope it all turns out alright and you can find a way to resolve it. Best of luck to you!

"less right?" So is that the binary now - "right / less right?"

bwahahahahahahaha!! 

I could not take someone seriously after that for real.

If someone is being a dick to me and it actually registers haha I ask them to repeat it in a matter of fact way - "I'm sorry what did you say?" & if they actually have the balls to repeat it I just say that isn't very professional, please don't address me that way and they stop it.  But I don't have much experience with jerk coworkers.

ps

She is not going to change. This is all she's got. She can't own her part so you are going to have to figure out a way to go around her.

You can use one of my old tricks. When you need to ask them something you email them. Make sure you copy your supervisor or whomever. I would copy my supervisors and my department head and their supervisors and their department head. Yes I did!

By doing this you are covering your ass. 

Tam, you are right.  In fact, I just heard from our supervisor this morning and turns out she blind copied him on a nasty email she sent me.  I didn't know she bcc-ed him, so I didn't copy him on my responses which said, no, actually none of these were problems and it's taken care of.   Today I forwarded them to him.  I will make a point of copying from now on.

I don't understand why she doesn't want to be my ally.  We could work together - I've been working with her but it's like pedaling a bike behind her while she's kicking rocks up in my face.  I could help make her job easier.  I can see she works hard, I don't know why she wants enemies.

Jilly, this: "if they actually have the balls to repeat it I just say that isn't very professional, please don't address me that way and they stop it." is exactly what I will have to screw up the courage to do. Thank you.  I don't have much experience with this either.  

Erradin, I will be talking to our boss about this on Tuesday.  Thanks!

Kashmiri - thanks!  I will try to stay lighthearted and one step ahead.  

Really, all I want to do here is get my job done well.  I feel like we all have bigger problems to worry about than in-fighting at a silly office job.  I hope I can figure out how not to let this get to me.

btw Jilly, cartoon = awesome!

She doesn't know what she is doing, so instead of asking questions and learning, her ego has chosen to attack you and try to make you look bad. Just be the utmost professional and do the CYA with the email.

Maybe when you go to meet with the boss, ask how that person thinks would be the best way to deal with her. It's important to look like you are looking for solutions, not just trying to tell on her and get her in trouble. 

Good luck!

I feel for ya, Jessica! Being talked down to is absolutely one of my pet peeves, so this would drive me insane times ten!

That is also the lamest "apology" I've ever heard in my life. My smartass side would suggest print it out and frame it promintently as it's obviously a rare artifact! But my practical side says that's probably not the way to get along in the office. LOL

I may also try a tack something like whenever she says something in an unacceptable way (as in your example), simply pause for a second, take a deep breath, and say something like, "Let's try this again; my goal is to do the best job that I can." and repeat the question until you get an acceptable answer. This may take several tries.

But the deeper issue isn't that she thinks you're a moron. She appears to be trying to sabatoge your job specifically. I'm wondering if the "oversight" was a mistake at all, especially given the fact that she's BCCing your boss with unflattering exchanges. So in this case, not giving in to the temptation to tear into her (provided you are tempted) is probably a good idea, as is making sure the people you report to and who make decisions are aware of the situation.

Good luck!

P.S. The fact that her behavior is interfering with the company goals as opposed to a "personality conflict" - implying you simply have trouble getting along with her - is also important and in your favor. Whenever you discuss it with your supervisor or whomever, make sure you don't lose sight of the impact on the project, as this is what they will be most likely to hear.

is there an HR department?  I'm assuming you're in the U.S., perhaps I'm wrong.  this is a hostile work environment, which is legally relevant.  I'm not saying wage war but definitely lodging a trackable complaint seems in order.  as was mentioned above this isn't just lack of respect or a personal problem; this seems to be steering into career sabotage.  I'm not sure that professionally you can afford to let her keep the power in this situation.  she is a bully and you've become her scapegoat.  I'd assertively look for help from higher up.  and if I couldn't get it it's time to look for a new job.  that sounds harsh but if she's destroying your professional reputation behind the scenes and no one will stop it... this is going to affect your career.

when is "Take a Scorpio Mars to Work" Day?  I'm totally in...

LOL @ satori...

and i just remembered a book - The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense. I've been looking for my ancient copy recently and can't find it, but I may just have to order another one. It was wicked good on how to deal with verbal BS that gets fired at you.

Jessica, I was thinking about this as I stepped outside to water and there was a bald eagle circling high above my house.  I live on a high plateau far out of range of any tall trees so this is a RARE occurrence. a sign?

Tam, I really really appreciate your suggestions.  Inside my head, I'm just seething with wanting to say "look what she's doing", but I know that can never be expressed.  I'd be just like her.  I'm going to have to get it together and say this to him without making it look like I'm trashing her.  Thank you so much for the coaching! 

Oh goddess, I wish I could quote here all the different ways I've been talked to like that by her.  I am really, really going to try to institute what you and Jilly suggest.  When I hear these words come out of her mouth, my ears start ringing and I feel outraged and all I want to do is salvage the moment and be as professional as possible, and AVOID CONFLICT.  So I don't say anything.  She probably thinks I'm an idiot.

Thanks for the support.  And it isn't just me - she has said terrible things to and about every member of our team.  And the group of us is all under her thumb in this little gulag. Again, your suggestions are fantastic for how to address my boss and keep the bottom line professional.  That book sounds amazing for me!

satori.... I could really use your Scorpio Mars.  My Cancer Mars is not getting the confrontation taken care of. :)   I have been trying to figure out the HR procedure here and YES, I have been sending out resumes!  I hear what you're saying, this is going nowhere good.

Here's an anecdote.  This is a league apart from the typical "I want you to repeat after me, did you hear what I just said?, were you on that phone call?" talking-down stuff. 

I am divorced and a single mother of one.  She knows that, although she knows none of the circumstances behind it.

One morning she IMed me (she randomly tries to act friendly) and launched into a story about her friend who had three kids and had just been dumped by her husband.  She then shared a personal story about herself when things weren't going so well with her own husband (she totally overshared in an icky way but I don't need to repeat it) and finished by saying "anyway, I just remember that miserable feeling of being all alone.  Reminds me to be grateful for my hubby."

(my responses in this exchange were limited to 'oh yeah? wow! so hard!')

Can you

effing

believe that?

 <!--Session data--><!--Session data-->

  satori.... are you channeling, or what??

<!--Session data-->

Great frickin picture Jilly! 

Jessica -- She sounds a pretty loopy! This reminds me of a (former) co-worker who treated me like a child, but wanted to be my best friend. All I could really do was smile and let her think I liked her for the short time (she was a superior unfortunately). Plus, she was the HR contact, so I couldn't really go to anyone about how she treated me! 

Good luck with everything, and I hope this gets resolved for you soon!  

Jessica - is this going on in front of other people or only when she has you alone?

A lot of the things she has said to me have been on the phone with just me and her other lackeys.   Boy, does her voice change when the boss joins the calls!

Some of these things, like the IM exchanges, are preserved in writing.

alicia, that sounds so awful!  I'm sorry!  I'm glad you're talking about it in the past tense!

I'd probably just call her on it as I think Jilly suggested: 

1) Give the evil eye - (what i call the 'eat dirt and die' look).  A deadpan face with no hint of a happy facade.  Eyebrows up as if you just smelled something really, really stinky, lips are pursed in a pinched expression, perhaps even one eyelid down and fluttering and a backwards pull of the body as if someone had stinky breath in your personal space or had just slapped you.  Think of sucking on a sour lemon.

2)  "Excuse me?  Pardon me?????????  What did you just say to me +/or about me?"  Make her repeat it.  Don't let her get away with not repeating it.

3)  "Just so we're both VERY VERY clear here, **perhaps you aren't aware of it** but, it comes across as a condescending and demeaning attitude towards me and this bullying will stop RIGHT NOW, or I will be reporting you to our supervisor.  It is totally unprofessional and will not be tolerated.  I am documenting these instances of your references to my intelligence and it will go in a written report to ____ (whomever)." 

...and I would probably be getting progressively louder as the convo went on, calling attention to her behaviour.

Then if she does it again, off I'd go and report her, asking the boss to step into the middle of it immediately, as in "Joe, can you step in here for a second".  Then as she's standing there I'd be offering up an offer of the documented times it has happened in the past.  Like Satori said, this makes a hostile work environment and should be squashed asap.  A bully is not going to respect you if you hold back trying to avoid conflict, and will generally go away if you stand up to them.

**perhaps you aren't aware of it** - this is your out - you are just clarifying for her your perception of her behaviour.  And it can be her out as well and maybe she'll be smart enough to take it!  I would also let my boss know I offered her the out, that perhaps she wasn't aware of it, but once you've made it clear?  all bets are off and she deserves what she gets if it keeps up.

It's interesting that she does this to others - makes me wonder why she is in the position to begin with. Makes it clear it's not only about you, but if it's her MO overall, it's more complicated because she must have had some kind of behind-the-scenes support or success in her campaigns order to be where she is.

you guys all have great advice... i'm going to find this useful myself...

The next time you find yourself having an internal monologue while she is talking to you ("oh I wish she wasn't talking to me like this", etc.) fucking say something.  Don't try to be rude or say anything confrontational  Just look her hard in the eyes and say "please don't talk to me like that, it makes me feel condescended."  Stand up for yourself by being raw and emotionally honest. 

Don't try to be righteous or "win" the situation.  That will get you nowhere cancer mars.  You best line of attack is being open about your feelings.  Just try it.   

OMFG

This bully's days may be numbered.  I don't think she's going to get fired or anything (and I don't want that) but hopefully I've gone a long way towards getting her out of my life.

I gave the professional speech of my life to my boss this afternoon, and I used tons of the suggestions you guys gave me, including appealing to him for guidance and solutions, and saying I wanted to do my job in a positive and professional environment, and I only cited her nasty language in the two cases where it directly affected a project deliverable.  Thanks!!!!  He was SO cool and horrified and apologetic and best of all... says that he's heard this from numerous people, and that she's been addressed in the past (and he's aware that she's made their lives hell by retaliating).   And he said I was incredibly valuable to the company and he said the least he could do was ensure a supportive environment for me.

Rock 

the

F

ON!

(this eclipse has been a mothaflippa for me but I think it's all positive... what a ride, what a ride!)

Jessica, what great news! Reading this just made my day. You go, girl!!

Just getting caught up here. Great to hear you went above her in a professional way. Great advice from everyone! Lolled at the cartoon Jilly posted. :D

It should only get better and better, Jessica. Smooth sailing, fellow mars in cancer :)

Awesome! (clapping)

Yay Jessica!

Yay good bosses!

ps since she appears to be retaliatory, if you have to interact at work you might want to visualize mirrors around you (pointing outwards) so her vengefulness bounces off you.

That's good Jessica!  Congrats for standing up for yourself!!!

Wow!  Jessica, I am so proud of you.....just read your post and everybody's responses..as I was reading, I wanted to keep on reading to find out what mars in cancer finally does....and I am so proud...you stood up and were so professional about it...really wonderful!  Keep up the good work!  I am mars in cancer too and know how difficult it is to finally do that at times.....that woman sounded positively horrible!

Thanks, guys!

I hope it turns out okay.  She's on vacation all this week (which made it soooo much nicer to come to work this morning - guess that's a sign right there.)  I bet our boss hasn't said anything to her yet, but it's a sure thing that if she hears about it when she gets back, she'll feel undermined and attacked, and I bet she will retaliate.  So, thanks for the tip on the mirror-visualizing, Jilly.

Jessica - Glad you are getting some relief.  Just checked in on this thread earlier this morning wondering how you were doing.

Oh, thank you, Dreams!  The sitch has really been affecting my mood and mental health for some time.  It feels so freeing to be at work today and know there will be no sniping from her.  I think it would affect anyone, but one thing I've really noticed about me (throughout my job change of the last 6 months) is that I cannot treat a job as a day job and punch out when the day's over.  I think about it all the time.

And a shout to all my good Mars in Cancer peeps!  Can't believe we're about to have another Mars return.  Only seems like 2 minutes have passed since the gnarly Mars Rx of late '07.

Jessica people like her will suck the life out of ya. Studies have shown that some bullies actually get pleasure from being mean to others.

Here is a link to one article...

 http://abcnews.go.com/Health/PainNews/story?id=6200528&page=1

Jessica - when does 'the she-wolf' return?

Monday!  I'm terrified (sort of).  I hope my boss comes through and does *something*, but in a professional way, because for SURE she is going to try to make my life hell.  But I'll try to be ready.