The soldier is going to plan our wedding, he is a methodical person to the extreme and he WILL get this done. However, my reactions to things astound me and I really can't say that I understand them.

Today he started outlining the steps... just very initial step and I immediately left my body.

"We'll have to contact people and see what dates they might be able to get here, we'' have to figure out where we're going and what we're going to do..."

One sentence, no action and I started swooning. I mean, I felt physically dizzy heading right to panic. I WILL get married and I WANT to get married, I just have no idea how this will be accomplished.

Some years ago the soldier told me he thought if I was ever going to marry anyone, it would be him. This was right after Scott (who I'd known for 30 years) told me he thought it not possible.  ::shakes head::

I just listened to both of them because they both know me and neither one of them is stupid. 

In whatever case the soldier (silently) studied me for those 3 years and at the end of them said he thought it "possible". He now feels we will marry - that we are going to do it but boy what an odyssey for me.

I would like to get to the bottom of this - I have gotten to at least an "adequate" bottom of most everything I can think of but this - the root cause of my reaction eludes me completely. 

I wish I could indulge myself in therapy (even self-therapy) or something. I would go digging for this but as it is, this is not an option so I've just got to keep going until I meet up with the answer, I guess.  Writing this is my way of inviting it. Inviting my suconscious to send up the info, I guess because by God, it's got to be in there somewhere.

Meanwhile people who are watching and waiting on what we do have no idea what is going behind the scenes... unless they read my blog which... who knows?

I think people are too busy to read this damned thing but maybe not.

is it "anxiety panic" or "overwhelmed panic"?  (because I can discern a difference.)

I think it's in there, too (in your subconscious)... not that you asked my opinion if it was, ha ha. One of the most intense/fascinating/yes, even fun things about Pluto making its transit through your 12th House... Probe-o-rama...

 What a weird and wonderful journey this life is, eh? I sometimes wonder if the 'leaving your body' part is distressing to you. I haven't experienced it...it sounds a bit discombobulating to me, and I only feel a disconnect when I'm murderously angry so I don't really have anything within my own realm of experience to draw upon when imagining what it feels like.

It is overwhelmingly sad / feelings no one (even me) can understand, more than panic. And then you get punished for them, like the people who come on my blog and tell me I am "playing hard to get" or the people who tell me how I ought to feel or how I could fell as if it has any relevance.

Someone who spends more than a year driving thousands of miles to meet a man in a truck stop for an 11 hour window is hardly playing games.

I said I don't like attention and I don't like attention. I would like to serve the bride, not be the bride.

some of my feelings about things, i could only say about them was that they were so deep they "ceased being personal". 

Are those feelings about the wedding or are they about the marriage? (or both?)

So is it grief feelings about being a bride in a wedding?

Or grief feelings about being a bride in general?

I just want to be married and wish it was already done / this was behind us, totally in the rear view mirror.

Hate that you are having angst about it. 

Hey Elsa,

 "the root cause of my reaction eludes me completely"

Like he says something that has to do with the ceremony and that eats you up? 

I'm super young and I've never been married, though I've been to a bunch of weddings, so I don't know how relevant or helpful my suggestion is. 

Is it the amount of people involved/the spotlight in the wedding the problem? My Aunt and Uncle did it really quick and painless with a judge, and only very close family (5 people) watching. I know you're Italian, though I don't know if you were raised with a religious background, or if there are specifics to how it has to be done for you guys.

desensitization therapy?  rapid eye movement therapy?  maybe it's more like fear of flying or trauma?  perhaps something aimed at a more visceral problem?

Elsa, do you think/hope you'll get to the root cause before you get married?  Or is it something you think will come to you after you get married?  

Ah!  It's a major step.  One of the largest.  A journey into the unknown.  Don't think too much about it.  It's like taking off in a plane journey.  You are sitting there strapped in and you are aware that anything may happen, but like my trip from Australia to France two months ago, there'll be good experiences and some that are challenging.  Nevertheless, you wouldn't give up the trip for anything.  Lots of luck and good wishes.

I have no answers.  You obviously love the Soldier in a bone-deep way that most will never find and just as obviously cherish that, so I have faith that you'll work it out.

When you do, I hope you let us know for purely selfish reasons. *lol*  I know someone who went through something similar and they never figured it out and later the whole thing dissolved, so I have to say I'm keen to see how you'll overcome it (because overcome you will!).

Nothing but love and support, E.  ((((Elsa))))

I know the feeling of leaving my body, a kind of splitting. It happens.

It's a defense mechanism and has to do with past trauma. Not saying this is true in your case -- speaking of my own and generally how it relates to trauma.
Doesn't matter what the trauma is -- it's something that happens to war veterans, people who have gone thru abuse, survived plane crashes, etc.

A response to feeling overwhelmed--
And any number of feelings

Are you seeking to understand why it happens or seeking to change the response

Feels like something's got you terrified

And it's real, it's not BS

And you can have responses and old feelings come up no matter how much you love him and want to do it

I have some more to say but I don't want to overstep my bounds

Well for one thing my daughter won't be there. I cannot tell you the depth of the pain this causes me and what is expecially soul-killing is it completely discounted and ignored.

I lost my daugher and if I were anybody else in the world no one would be expecting me to have a party or be in any mood to celebrate but instead I have to carry people intense and outrageous projections and that is supposed to be just fine.

Something is WRONG with someone who loses a child and then throws a party, doncha think?  I don't know what it is about me that have me suffer what most would agree is the worst thing that can happen to person, to a mother and I am STILL supposed to take care of them... and support their delusions and expectations.

Just try to imagine it if you can.  For just 60 seconds, imagine what it might be like to lose your kid after a YEARS long struggle and then have people come along and tell you how easy it is to have a great party as if there is no daughter.

If you can manage that, then ask yourself how you'd like to get dressed up and stand in front of these people and try to hold up their projection. 

 Er... excuse me but can I die now?

Elsa: I don't know - she may not physically be there, but do you feel comfortable arranging for her spirit to be?

Have a chair for her. Decorate it in a way she'd appreciate. Light a candle for her; incooporate it into the ceremony.

Gone, but not forgotten, right?

If that's not your style, do a quick wedding at a town hall. Just say your piece, just the two of you and get it over with. Those people that are being "excluded" are done so for the sake of ease and there's no "missing" anyone, 'cause NO ONE was there.

*HUG* I hope you guys find something that makes you both feel the joy of the occasion, rather than the stress.

luci - stop, please.  For Godsakes stop, you don't know what you are talking about, my daughter is alive.

has it ever got to the point where you've said to the Soldier "I don't want to know"...as in, he would be alright with the possibility that he doesn't tell you anything about it at all..?  is he informing you of his movements because he'd like to share the process with you?  

(just wondering if there is any practical need for you being informed or if you can just somehow be there)

(((elsa + your family)))

i'm thinking about you.  

If anyone wants to do anything for me, (this is not directed at you, luci), you can support this blog like I beg people to do all the time and not bother trying to solve my personal problems when you don't even know what my personal problems are because I absolutely drown in these projections, wrong assumptions, misunderstandings or whatever else you want to call them.  They don't have anything to do with me. I relate to the problem I have not the one you think I have.

The real thing that people can do is help keep this blog afloat which I have said over and over and over for almost 5 years now.I have bills to pay. I owe the hospital, do you understand? This is a real life, I am a real person and I need real support and further, hologram (Neptune) support (Saturn) is a BURDEN (Saturn).

We have a new and better plan as of last night.

It should work.

coolio:)

...i'm sorry if i prodded too much!

Elsa - I know she's alive. I didn't mean to make it sound as though she wasn't.

Sorry.

My father kidnapped me when I was a baby and I spent the first 8 years of my life without my mother. When she and my step-father married (without me), that was what they did to honor my place in their hearts. I wasn't dead, either.

I apologize if I pissed you off.
 

*backs way the fuck out*

Well, luci, from my perspective I just said that I don't want to have a dog and pony show and then I'm told how I can have a bigger dog and pony show. I have no idea why my words cannot be read but I can tell you it is soul killing.

 I am not writing this to hurt you or to attack you but that hopefully, maybe, maybe, maybe someone can catch on here. 

When someone tells you they have suffered the worst trauma there is and they don't want to do anything the answer is not to tell them do something. It is just unfathomable to me anyone would do this and if I point it out, here again I am the bad guy.

I don't understand why a person can't have feelings that are their feelings.. or at least why this person (me) cant have feelings that are just my feelings especially when I've got nothing but cause to have feelings.

And then the magic thing happens where I get to be the bitch / the repulsive / the person who did something wrong.

It's just so convienent for everyone... except me.

People see someone hurting and they want to support them. They want them to know that they're there for them and they hope that they get their shit figured out and the hurting stops for them.

It's human reaction. Especially for water people.

No one said you were the bad guy. At least, I didn't intend to say that.

My intention was to explain why I made a suggestion - because I honestly hope your pain can be worked out in a way that makes you guys feel what most people want to feel on their wedding day - joy.

I understand, luci.

It may not be possible to lose your child and feel happy on your wedding day.

Er... it is entirely possible that every holiday and every anniversary for the rest of your life is touched or tinged with sadness. Such is the depth of the (my) maternal bond?

I don't want to go shopping for a dress... any dress. I don't want to co-ordinate things - any things. I don't want concern myself with personalities that clash.

I could go on and on and on and on and if anyone stopped to think about that actual circumstance and not the imagined circumstance I think this would (or should) be inordinately easy to understand.

 Again, I really don't think people would have the expectations they have of me of I were someone else. As it is, most people have something very dark and heavy and they look for someone to attach it to.  Some people serve this purpose better than others and I am one of those on the end of the continuum.

I guarantee you people are reading this and feeding. They are having a meal, right here, right now and for some ungodly reason they think I owe them this when in fact it is the other way around.

Every holiday/anniversay is tinged with sadness. I'm not a mom but I feel that way about losing my mom unexpectedly

And anytime I hear anyone talking to their mom, like on a cellphone - it's like a knife in my heart

((((((Elsa)))))))

I've always remembered the post where you described the soldier kissing your daughter on the top of her head.  {{elsa))  I don't begin to fathom what this journey is like for you.

see, I don't remember that, maureen because it is trauma, all trauma.

ouch.

my heart hurts just tuning in to this.

Well don' feel too bad because like I said, I think we figured this out. 

Was not the easiest thing we've ever done but sure as hell not the hardest!

Elsa:

After reading all these posts, I can feel that you are hurting. I am not going to judge or make assumptions as I am not quite clear of your situation. I cannot truly offer any kind of advice either because I don't clearly know what's going on (my apologies. I am a Saturn/Neptune girl myself and I have to read something 100000 times before understanding). You're certainly a strong lady though, and as you once told me in a consultation, life never gives us something we can't handle. And you have such a huge network of support here on this blog alone, so you know everyone's rooting for you and is supportive of you :)

Sending a lot of positive vibes your way Elsa! :) 

Well this helped me clarify my feelings. Fact is, I have no desire whatsoever to have any kind of stressful wedding day and I have no ability to have a wedding that is not stressful. 

However, I do want to be married and I do care about family and friends so we're just going to do it and then show up in your town with rings on and I am pretty sure people will figure it out... er, won't ya?

...and if anyone is wondering just tell them, "She lost her daughter last year and didn't think she could pull off a party."

I am well and widely known to do anything and everything I can but I'm human and here we come to my limits.

Sounds like a good plan (((elsa)))

yes, sounds like an excellent plan ;)

sounds like the pomp and circumstance might be a bit much ritual for you...

can't say that it's really the important part of the wedding.

that would be the vows. in my opinion.

I think if anyone has earned the right to forgo the party in favor of just being married without further trauma it's you.  {{{Elsa}}}

Thank you, Lupa.  ::sighs::  Thank you for understanding this in the simplest terms.