I have a Mars in Leo in the 5th house conj. Jupiter (Virgo) and my North Node (Leo). A North Node in Leo is all about self-expression and being seen. All my life, I've always expressed myself through my clothes and makeup. I barely choose an outfit the night before - I dress for my mood (Cancer Moon). I've always been my own canvas - makeup, clothes, shoes... everything. I keep my hair short because I just don't like doing hair :P 

But anyway...

I felt an overwhelming sadness after I got my hair done with what limited money I have. I'm trying not to feel an overwhelming sense of guilt here, as this is almost too materialistic. When I pass by a clothing store and check out the clothes, or go to Sephora or Mac, I wanted to cry. Since becoming unemployed, I had to scrimp a lot on money, and I feel that my self-expression is deprived. I can't even afford to purchase fabric to make my own clothes! I know - there are people who are worst off than I am and I feel guilty feeling bad about this.

I feel like I'm cutting myself off of my creativity - somehow. I see the girls in the organizations I volunteer in (both beauty/style-related with a emphasis on career counseling as well) and they always look amazing. During the past few years of my life, I haven't been dressing like me. I remember purposely selecting things that were not quite as vivid or as "showstopping" as I would like because my general mood was that I was down in the dumps and that I don't deserve to be looked at because everything I produce creatively isn't beautiful anyway. Now since I'm at the throes of these Saturn and Pluto transits with increased self-awareness, I wanted to feed fuel to my new ambitions and hopes by just... dressing the part... And yet I cannot do this at this point due to the lack of funds.

Anyway, the reason why I got into these organizations I volunteered for in the first place is that I'm surrounded by beauty a lot and that I help others look and feel beautiful. But I myself.. I haven't felt beautiful in a long time and I believe I owe it to myself.

Ugh.

Part of me just wants to suck it up, call my agent and get a job as a designer. But I know this will not make me happy. Get a job for the sake of getting stuff? Get real, right? *sighs* So yeah... It hurts being caught in wanting to express myself and just sticking to this hardship until I can achieve what I really want.  

Can someone relate? I feel a hell of a lot of guilt for even thinking this... for even thinking I'm too materialistic. I have a Venus in Taurus in the 2nd house. *sighs*

Apologies if this sounds like useless banter.  

Nope not useless at all.

Have you tried any kind of swaps?  Like craft-swapping old fabric & clothes for something else?  Or asking for fabric / clothes / whatever on freecycle dot org?

You ARE beautiful.

http://www.you-are-beautiful.com

a need is a need.  it's valid cos you NEED it.  on a certain level most of us have jobs for the sake of getting stuff.  I like what I do, for the most part, but mainly I do it for the money.  I choose not to judge myself for that.  if you don't feed your needs first you diminish yourself to the point where you have much less to give to others.

I don't see anything wrong with your need for material expression!  I really don't!  but if someone does it's their problem.  are you judging yourself too harshly? 

Dreams, thank you so much for the link. I was checking out the installations and I think if this were to be seen around the city it would've brought a tear to my eye. I think we're so consumed by this commercialism and this prescribed definition of beauty. It's almost as though these looks/trends are more of a status symbol rather than digging deep within for creativity.

I could try for craft/clothing swaps. The problem is, I am NOT a good crafter - at all. Seriously. I've always struggled with handicrafts (I still pushed to doing it) but it doesn't seem to be my kind of artistry. I was better at putting things together (ie, clothing, shoes, accessories put together in an outfit along with a makeup look) and better at doing things that require speed (like makeup :D). I really wish I could go back and spend some time making quality clothes and swapping it out with others. 

Fabric swaps would be EXCELLENT though. I wouldn't mind getting more fabric :)  

Thanks so much for the suggestions though! 

Well, I was thinking along the line of "I've got last years rag hanging in my closet, that I'm sick to death of, maybe I could swap it out with someone else's last years" do-hickie.

Maybe host a swap party?

Satori: Well, it's partially that I judge myself harshly and partially because of the people around me. I feel that an altruistic person like me should NOT succumb to materialism because I shouldn't have to need this. I am also friends with a couple people who have given up the corporate life to pursue their love for creating and design. They scoff at their old "consumerist" life, and I feel that they may be scoffing at me as well for being such a "consumerist." I don't see it as that at all. It's not a status symbol for me but a means of expression.

I also have these really strong beliefs about beauty being more from within - channelling one's creativity and allowing beauty to exude from the inside. But an artist needs her tools too, and it's jsut that I'm mostly inspired by what I see out there. I have to buy it rather than create it because that's just not my medium (and I've tried so hard to create, regardless what I want).

But anyway. Ugh. I hate to sound whiny but right now the battle between beliefs I have is driving me crazy :(

Hmm Dreams, that sounds like a great idea. 

Perhaps if I meet more women in my life, I could do that :P I barely know any girlfriends and I do, they're not the swapping kind -_- 

Ok so here goes.  Host a swap/refashion party.  Offer your services to help people like me figure out outfits that would go together in exchange for them giving you a few extras of their clothes. Or refashioning the piles of clothes that come through your door.

I am a pretty plain dresser and always thought I was missing a bit of style until a girlfriend of mine helped me (and i need help again) years ago to go through my closet and assemble outfits - I was missing a bit of flair, accessories or contrast.  I had decent pieces and will never be LEO but much more of my comfort-loving taurus virgo side but... but... she really helped me look and feel better.  

Hell, offer that on craigslist.  You'll take payment in two items from someone's closet that fits you or you can trade to someone else in exchange for helping them look better and either KEEP their job or go job hunting and feel good about themselves.  

Call it a spare time business :)  That's a cheap price as long as I can be the one who makes the pile for you to choose from or I negotiate what I'm willing to sew for you....

Have you thought about being a clothing stylist for $$s or trades?

Lunalie....it sounds like you are very hard on yourself.....you deserve to have whatever it is that makes you happy ......whatever that is...and if it is dressing sharp and doing up your makeup, than that is what it is...you are who you are and if I were you, I would start calling my agent and getting the kind of job that pays well enough for you to afford the things that bring you satisfaction...Venus in Taurus in the 2nd?!  I have Moon in LIbra in the 2nd and I love me some nice stuff....I love my scarves, my cashmere sweaters, my buttery leather anything....love leather!  Now I don't care about a fancy car or a fancy house, or fancy furniture.....I love comfort and I love colors....the varying colors in just brown is amazing to me and I get transfixed when I see any display that has items arranged by colors....

You are going to be miserable if you can't feed that part of you...even in a small way.  If you are not happy (content, satisfied) in the job you are in....maybe you do need to be out in the paying world...you obviously have a craft that is marketable, so go market yourself!  And then on the side, you can volunteer at the non-profit...

Don't go by what your friends are doing or thinking...this world has so much to offer...don't sell yourself short on a principle. 

I get the taurus thing. I have a double taurus good friend -- she is not "materialistic" but wow does she love fabric and make up and clothes and.... I don't know. It's just part of who she is. She is a phenomenal and devoted friend who also loves that stuff. Big deal. Evrerybody has their thing. Try not to let others judgements get to you. People are always posing and pretending..... Embrace who you are. I'm sorry if I sound like a bad magazine cover but really.... There's nothing wrong with loving clothes and make-up. And this is from someone who isn't into either..

When you land some free fabric (freecycle plea) here's some free patterns: 

http://www.blisstree.com/articles/add-some-free-style-to-your-fall-wardrobe/

mudlikesubstance:

I really like the idea! I just wish I can sew a lot better than I already do! In fashion school, my garments always look horrific because of my terrible sewing skills. Conceptually great, but the final garment is a mess! I wish refashioning was even an option but my sewing is horrific! 

I would LOVE to offer personal shopping or closet cleanout services, but... what are my credentials? That's the thing I feel that I need (This is probably my Capricorn Midheaven speaking). I need to appear very much legit - and plus, like all else, I am not confident in recommending certain clothes to certain people. I wish I had that confidence! I couldn't even honestly dress myself appropriately though I think I have a strong idea how I would do so now. I think I will need to try this on a few friends first, and then maybe branch this out into a small business. I've always wanted a small business anyway :)

Dreams: Yes. I am actually working towards becoming a clothing stylist. I volunteer in an organization where I am one - for practice. Honestly, I would LOVE to work in a small boutique in Toronto just to get my feet wet from this again. But I'm struggling with a lot of things - mainly because this does not give me the money I need to pay my bills. Also, thanks for the pattern site! I've never seen this before! I usually go to Burdastyle forall my free patterning needs :) I also try to make my own as patternmaking was one of my stronger skills in fashion design, next to illustration/conceptual.

denamaria: I would love to get a decent paying job, but I am really not happy about going back into web design to provide myself with this income to feed my creativity. It came to the point that web design has been exhausting and it was killing me slowly. The reason why I know this: the company that laid me off was the best company I ever worked in. The people are great and everything is great. After working many years in organziations with very messed up office politics, I thought that was the solution to all my problems - I realized it was also the work. It wasn't suited for my personality. So yeah - I'd LOVE to work again, but it seems like the only option left for me is to go back to school because my skills are highly technical and will not be marketable int he people-related field I'm going for.

So hence my sadness. Much as I would LOVE to earn enough to keep my creativity flowing, I cannot do something that doesn't suit my skills. I guess you can never have everything :(

and I do volunteer for a non-profit and that is fun :) I help dress people. It's great :) I just wish I could dress myself so I can "look the part." Again - that's my Capricorn Midheaven speaking.

I think you need to re=think this whole thing. Narcissism is a by product of your 20's and maybe into your 30's. After that you need to get real.  If you are in a business that values and worships beauty you are going to get sucked up in it's wake. OK, looking good is a priority for feeling good. But if you're down i on the  inside then nothing on the outside is going to help. 

Go to clothing swaps, buy your cosmetics at Walmart, color your own hair, do a home spa on the cheap using stuff from the fridge. Get back to basics and be grateful for getting a reality check from the Universe. You are not your looks. You are not your brand name clothing or looking flashy or stylin all over the place. When everything is said and done you can take nothing with you but the good you leave behind. Look at what you have and not what you can't afford. Everyday look around and give thanks for what you have. That is how life gets better after the storm.  

 One thing that helped me when I was going thru a "poor" phase is remembering that there are kids starving in Africa walking around with no clothes on and haven't had a sip of clean water in years.   But I had the money for a chicken soft taco from Taco Bell.

The Attitude is Gratitude. 

mimi:

I do understand what you're saying and I think about this all the time. I am not so much complaining about how I could buy things for the sake of buying them. I'm a creative person and this is my means of self-expression. I do not dress for anyone but myself.

I'm pushing through this and it's not like I'm dying, really. I am just saying that a part of me - my creativity - feels really cut off. There's a huge difference. I don't care about who's styling for what and who gets to see me - not so much. it's really all about how I see myself and how I can express my creativity.

If "looking good" and "owning things" was the sole purpose of my being, I would've gone back to find a job that is dissatisfying right now only so I can own things. I haven't done that yet and my first priority is to take care of my interests.

So while I may be upset (and sometimes seemingly whiny) about this, it's not like I'm doing nothing to progress in my life. I'm really moving forward. I'm making sacrifices. I am just hit very hard that a huge part of me - my creativity - is being sacrificed. I wish I can just express myself through paintings, sculpture, singing or what not - like a traditional artist but this is not my medium. 

no you are not materialistic. never for get we are basically animals, and all animals groom. you could be a cat licking yourself obsessively or an ape picking gnats off of your fur, no matter. it depends on how far you want to take your grooming habits.

my mother (also an aries) loves her creams and her jewelry and her clothes. Do you thing. don't worry about it. you like makeup, you like makeup. you have no one to answer to except yourself.

Thanks Kash. I guess it's the earth trine/sextile I have that doesn't make it any easier with regards to this sort of self expression. Plus, the Leo North Node. I have this push-pull feeling regarding invisibility. 

Hi Lunalie,

I've been reading through all this and some thoughts came into my mind which might help. You say you are in the throes of a Saturn/Pluto transit which to me means   that you are experiencing restrictions, or contraction (Saturn) in certain areas which will allow you to eventually transform (Pluto) in some way.  The image that comes to mind is of the caterpillar when it moves into the chrysalis stage - it gets hung, wrapped up tight and melts before it can emerge into a butterfly.  I'd say you're in the melting at the moment....  The other thing I noticed is that you keep talking about what you're not good at, and what you can't do, so I'm thinking that something in you wants to push the envelope (or pupa) into new territory somehow, just that you don't know what it is yet.  You have Mars/Leo/5th - your drive is to express your creative individuality. Soooo...why don't you try some things creatively that you haven't done before, not with a view to any of it being a possible career or with any kind of a result in mind, but more to just try and release yourself into Creativity and see what appears. It's  the idea of putting yourself into a right-brain freedom, doing things just for the joy of experimenting and opening up new pathways in self which may give you access to the yous that haven't seen the light of day yet.  The Artist's Way might help with this also.  Give yourself time, try not to pressure yourself, remember, in nature all growth occurs because of the ABSENCE of pressure.  Something is growing in you, and will emerge in its time - your job now is to give it space and time and nurture.  Lots of blessings!

opal,

thanks so much :) Seems like, "give it space" is often the common theme with my current issue right now. Also, "trying something new" is difficult at this point. I'm a perfectionist! I remember an aunt of mine as I was growing up when she said, "If you can't do it, why bother? If you want to learn it and you can't do it, why bother?" My dad (her brother) also believed in this. THey had a mean competitive streak and were determined to "outdo" the other. I was also compared A LOT to other kids back then so having that perfectionist, competitive nature is one I'm trying to "brainwash" out of me.

But yeah - the space-giving bit you mentioned... I guess I really should allow myself that. I don't quite know what it is that's my art. I do know that I am amazing with fashion but often without the patience.

Thnks!