My partner of almost 8 years left about 7 weeks ago. I know it is still early days but I'm actually not doing very well right now. We had problems too big to ever hope to resolve things but I am still devastated.

I really need perspective on those of you who have healed from a broken heart: when can I expect to have any feeling of normalcy?

I know everybody deals with things differently, but how long did it take for *you* until it wasn't the last thing you thought of at night and the first thing you thought of in the morning?

Months...

However, slow healing is best.  Rushing out to stop the pain is always a bad move.

((kash))

i don't have anythign to share in terms of timelines because the people i've broken up with, the relationships all sucked! my mental health gene kicked in pretty quick i think and it's been so long ago, it's hard to remember.

but i do have a hug - (((kash)))

Yeah Kash, I have to agree with Elsa, in that months seem to be required and you can't rush it, you just have to move through it at its own pace. Wish I could help somehow as I do know how painful it can be <3

Months... and months... a lot of reflection and meditation to set things in my head back to some semblance of order. I just felt that I had to push through and get on with my life using the cards that life has dealt me. That kept me going.

hum...

I read somewhere that statistically speaking, people start to get better/let go around 6 weeks...and 3 months is about when you are starting to feel like yourself again. 

I agree with Elsa, though.  8 years is going to take some time, and you don't want to rush all that healing. 

(kashmiri) 

I will be back later with fresh thoughts -- but there was a thread I started on here abt a break-up and many people wrote me wonderful things, I particularly remember Deidre, mud-like, others.... Please read it if you want - was back in april-- they gave me wonderful words and it is general, you know-- not specific to me
Xoxoxo thinking of you Kash...

((Kashmiri))

I agree too, time is needed. Don't forget to take care of yourself while you're healing. Loving yourself and doing what you need to do to be happy will aid in the healing process tremendously. I felt that every hot and sweet smelling bath, every journal writing session, every night of meditation took me one step closer to feeling better. 

Kashmiri, even though I don't know you, I feel sad that you feel sad. Maybe you can find room for a scenery change in at least one area of your life. Do something radically different that you've never done before that is not connected to anything you and he might have done together. Make a new memory, is what I'm saying.

No rush, of course.

Maybe it could be something fulfilling. Volunteer work?

It really sucks that you work with him. :(

Kash, I feel unworthy of advice...my healing was and is so sloppy...but I don't mean that in a negative way.  Everyone is different I guess.  I know I found a lot of support, encouragement, and healing here.   I really appreciate your presence 'round here, Kash, and I believe you'll be okay, better than that.  Who knows what's around the next bend?  If you're scared or stuck, let us know and we'll help light the way.

months ~ my best friend told me that sometimes the only way to go is up.

Try not to see him in a perfect light, be realistic when you think of him. I usually drop the ball on that one, but it is a good way to handle the memories.

((kashmiri))

In Ireland we have a saying, that it takes a year and a day to truly know inside that someone is gone. By that time, the planet has gone through a whole cycle and started a new one, leaving the past behind and bringing the promise of the future. So be kind to yourself, grieve him and what you had, and keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Remember, this too will pass.

It takes time. Can't rush it. If you try to jump the process, it will come back to bite you. I know you know this already.

Grief comes in waves. It's a cliche but true. One day you will wake up and be: okay... And then the darkness will return. That cycle has to play itself out too. But slowly slowly slowly -- you will find some peace.

I encourage you to keep writing, keeping reaching out to your support people, remember that others have walked this road be. fore and have come out the other side, just like you will--
I know you will. If you didn't feel bad now, if you didn't feel bad for a while now, there'd be something wrong! So this good actually-- the feelings are moving.

I keep thinking how you are an artist, a writer, a traveller and all those things need you now.

((((kashmiri))))

8 years is a long time.  I left my ex husband when we'd been together about 8 years - and I left him because the relationship was awful and he was horrid to me (physically and emotionally very abusive) and it was a relief to be gone.

And I still missed that fucker. 

Months sounds right.  Many of them, honestly.  

and your original question was "how long"
I laugh cuz you sound like a virgo moon with that question--

What can you do but go day by day now, hour by hour? Or even smaller increments? Now, that phase won't last forever -- I'm trying to get across that you have to go thru it but the colors will change, or like having a marble in your hand and you roll it around and it catches the light.
This is your experience. It's all yours. You have the keys to it.
So 'how long' is a totally valid question but even more -- what will you do while you are going through it

gosh, I don't know.  I'm really terrible at just this thing.  for me it takes years, but I cling to my grief.  you're a hard worker.  I bet it won't take you more than months.  ::squuuuueeze::

<3 i wish i had words... perhaps if you have certain "you" things that you did before you two met, certain movies or albums that evoke a previous independence, go back to those and see how you feel. maybe they'll make you feel normal if only for a minute.

There's so much excellent advice in this thread...

I tend to agree that it's going to be months and up to a year before you can really expect to feel whole.  What I would add, though, is that the grief SHOULD be in waves, and if you aren't having ANY of the ups or glimmers of freedom and relief -- even if they're brief, and even if you come crashing down afterwards -- you might want to think about taking an anti-depressant for a limited period of time.  Shocks and grief can knock your brain chemistry for a loop, and generally you work your way out, but sometimes people can get stuck. (Probably 7 weeks is too early to assume you're stuck, however.)

Look for the glimmers of freedom and pleasure and NURTURE THE HELL OUT OF THEM when they come along.

I'm sorry you're in pain.

I hate to hear you so sad Kash.  I wish everyone at the Elsa blog could get together and take you out for a drink or to lunch or something. 

It's probably normal to feel this way for a while.  If anything I've learned about you it's how deeply you love and care for others.  I'm sure it's hard to just snap out of that when a relationship is over for someone like yourself.  I guess thats the downside of being a true gem. =)

I hope this doesn't sound like an insensitive suggestion...but perhaps you could make a list of all the things you've been wanting to do, that the relationship held you back from (if there is any)....and start doing them!!  Kash, coming from a girl who has children and can't just run with abandon in a time like this....you have the world at your fingertips!!  In no way am I saying that it's easier for you, just as far as healing goes....you have more "you" time to work with.  I wish there was something magical that we could say or do for you, but I know you can do this...I think a Cappy moon would do well at conquering a "to do" list, dontcha think!!?? =)

Agree with shell. Wish we could all take you out... since we can't sometimes it helps to cry it out. I admit I get my advice from Nick Lowe but you sound so sad on your blog like a release would do you good.

A big ol' long ugly cry? I will write you a post....

Came from a similar place, dear Kash...almost 8 years, problems too big, devastation. It's been two years for me now. Some people mentioned months, some weeks. I can say it didn't take two full years for me to be okay, but it was only recently that I realized "Hey, I haven't even thought about him for a couple of months."

As a few of the others mentioned, it sometimes feels like two steps forward, one step back...but it happens. Don't be afraid to wallow a bit and cry, don't be afraid to do something crazy and out of character, don't be afraid to be angry or sad or even afraid :) I didn't think I'd ever be okay but I am, and you will be too <3 Please feel free to msg me if I can do anything to help.

Once when I had a massively broken heart a friend made me go over to his house and we watched 3 or 4 of the most tragic movies in a row & drank beer & I cried & cried and it made me feel better.

((kashmiri))

A fifteen year relationship ended for me last year, it took me about 6months to pull together. I'm sorry it didn't work out, but I have faith in your life.

hugs. 

((Kashmiri))

Does take a while. Moving through it and allowing the grief helps a lot.

thank you

thank you

it is so hard to get a time frame on this...capricorn moon (saturn=time). but i've heard months and months up to 2 years...i'm okay with 2 years even. shell i totally get what you're saying...i feel very much that i should exploit singledom, for sure

opal thank you for your proverb...funny my Irish girlfriend said to me on the weekend "A year from now you'll be saying 'who was that bastard again?'"--maybe she had the proverb tucked away but decided to use her Scorpio-moon humour instead

it helps so much to hear about everybody's experiences, one of the reasons why I asked is that while I had one serious relationship (2.5 years) it ended when I was 22.

This relationship is the big one...I really feel comforted hearing about people who have lived through this kind of heartache before. I just needed to hear "I did it and you can too" so thank you <3

oh ((((((((kash)))))))))

I agree with satori, you are a hard worker and you will climb this mountain sooner than others.  I also agree with shell, because I have been through this type of destruction (was with my husband since 22. I was a baby-- gave him my whole life) and I made myself a "list of things to look forward to" because at that time, I couldn't imagine there was anything.  Does that sound good to you?  I believe in babying yourself and asking "will this make me feel good?" about everything.

Know what I did then?  I was totally, utterly alone, even without my son, and I bought a plane ticket to Miami (random beach place I had never been to) and spent Christmas (!!) alone there.  That is a bit of an extreme circumstance but I am Sun/Uranus and it was healing for me to break some rules.   As a matter of fact I was just looking at my Facebook pictures of myself from that time and smiling, and then I came over here and read your post.

Can you do anything like that?  Something to kick you out from the usual?   Everybody here loves you and would put you up or buy you a drink.   I would do that for anyone here and if you want to come through Chicago I am your gal.

Have you read Pema Chodron?  http://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1570623449  This book is the most peaceful, incredible thing.  I do NOT do self-help books, but this is just a simple, beautiful writing on dealing with pain.  My wonderful Sadge friend (6 planets in Sadge!  been through a Pluto transit we cannot imagine!) sent me this book and it has sustained me through a lot.  I was reading it on the plane when I almost died last week....and it meant so much!  If you PM me your address I will send you a copy and be thrilled to do so.

more hugs.

Hugs to you Kashmiri -

My sage but boring advice is - it takes as long as it takes. 

Hang in there!  You are adored here!!! 

Hey, kash,

Went through the exact same thing in November.  (You might remember; I wrote about it enough. *wry smile*)  My ex and I split after eight years and this was a man I love(d?) to the very core of my being; he was my first true love, before him there had only been one long-term r'ship and a bunch of flings and puppies.  And, keep in mind, I was stupid and let this man back into my life in January, against the advice of nearly everyone on this blog/board, so my recovery period went retrograde for a bit.  (I'm too stubborn for my own good.  *eyeroll*)

Well, now it's almost August and while I can honestly say I still think about him every day, it's a different grief.  I'm now grieving that what I thought was there was not there, never had been, and never will be.  I no longer want this man in my life in any way, shape, or form, and although that makes me feel horribly sad and alone, I can honestly look back at what I had thought was oh-so-perfect and not just see my flaws.  I can see how he was bad for me, in specifics, and vow never to let it happen again.

I'm finally angry!  I started being angry sometime back in May and I haven't stopped yet, like the few hours/days I would be angry in the beginning, and it's so liberating!  *lol*  Guess what?!?  It's not all my fault!  He fucked up, too!  And he did it in ways a, b, x, y, l, and p!  And when a, b, x, y, l, and p finally catch up to that avoiding, lying shithead, he's going to realize what he did and then he will have to grieve.  (Small, cold revenge, but this Leo takes what's available.)

And, subtracting the time that I tried to be that bastard's friend after the fact, it's been around six months of TMB-free living.  After the first two months of doing alright, then four months of complete and utter hopelessness trying to figure out the how-why of our continued contact, and two further weeks of crying nearly everyday after I kicked him out of my life for good, the tears are down to about once a month (actually, today I laid in bed and bawled over it for the first time in about six weeks).

I'm not free.  I'll never be free.  But I'm also not enslaved by it anymore and that's alright by me...

Sorry to be so long, but that's my timeline so far.  And you've always been there to support me, when I was with him and when I lost him, so I just wanted to be as thorough as I could, hoping you can take something out of it...  The most important piece, though, is it takes as long as it takes.  That's all you can do.  (((((kash)))))

Hang in there, love.

This is very subjective.. and totally my own experience, I appreciate that everyone loves, hurts and heals in different ways. That said I hope that something in here might be of some help to you.

I'm sorry you are in so much pain ((Kashmiri)). 8 years is a long time to be with someone and then suddenly not have them there anymore. In my experience it takes a considerable time to get over a long term relationship.  Not just the hole that they have left, but also the part where you have to start discovering who you are, without them.

That said the sheer rawness of it does start to ease after a few months, you just need to be gentle and patient with yourself until then. In practical terms what I have done to help myself in the past is:

•  To make sure that there are no visibile daily reminders of the person. Things are hard enough without being triggered that way.
• I have avoided going to any of the places that were ours.
• Not listened to any love songs, unless I felt I needed to dig deep into that pain for a while. Then off they would be banished again.
• Written a balanced list of both the things I liked and didn't like about him, so that I was not tempted to put him up on a pedestal in my mind.
• Cry whenever I needed to.

I seem to recall an episode of SATC where Charlotte had a guideline... but seriously Kashmiri, it takes months. And in a strange sort of way, it needs to. When you love someone & share your life for so long with that person, in feeling the hurt, you are honouring the legitimacy of your own emotions. But the process is so terribly terribly hard.

I am touched by this thread. Everyone is so honest and sincere in sharing their experiences, the affection and support expressed is inexplicable. ill be repeating what everyone has already shared. Kashmiri, I dont know you but i feel that no matter what thought crosses our mind we should not stop loving ourself ever, dont loose self respect.

I am very poor at writing things that might lighten the experience, but i know you have a great support system here and equally spirited soul.

Time is a great healer dont try to quantify it let it decide what's best for you.

...and it strikes me it takes time to get to know your own new self.  There was the you before B., then came the you with B and now the new you that incorporates what you learned and experienced together and how you'll now present to the world and to yourself.  You are not the old you - That's got to take some cogitating, shuffling and reprioritizing. 

You are here:  taking a short stopover at K.A.B.  Knowledge Absorption Bottleneck, soon to be the EVEN MORE fab-o Kashmiri After B.  You loved loving him, it's going to take a bit of time to adjust. 

this is so valuable, to hear your opinions. i really really appreciate it especially today. last night i told him i can't speak to him for a while...i asked for a month of no phone calls. but it hurts. i wanted to call today (of course i did) but did not. and that fucking sucks. knowing i am letting him go. he was my husband!

SaD, I'm glad you wrote about your experiences...I have been thinking a lot about you in the last few months and wondered where you were and how you were doing. It is hard.

Surd, I totally agree...self-love keeps us moving forward with our lives, and self-respect keeps us loving ourselves...hand in hand. thank you.

I do think as little contact as possible will help you and the process immeasurably - I'm not kidding. Speaking/emailing, etc will reopen the wound Every Time. Not saying it's easy, but something to shoot for. Will take some serious crazy willpower but it will help not to speak to him.And doesn't he need to know life without you?

Kashmiri,

I feel for you. Write your way through it. A thought to consider... 

Lives pass away, Life is Immortal.
Lover's die, Love is Eternal.

(((kashmiri)))

It's tough pulling oneself back together after one's heart is broken. I wouldn't say that there is necessarily a time frame for this. Some people heal within days, others within months and some take a few years (like myself). One thing I learned from dealing with this is being kind to yourself and taking this time to focus on you. Were there things you wanted to do that was not possible when you were with your partner? Is there a specific life goal you've always had but have not quite worked on? Perhaps focus on those because doing this may keep you from feeling bad about yourself and the loss of the relationship. I know that whenever I have my heart broken, I resort to self blame and wonder what's wrong with me... Focusing more on oneself could keep you from focusing on the negatives.

My advice isn't much, but all I can give you right now is my support and a lot of positive vibes. :) Take care, ok? 

Kashmiri.....I am so sorry for the pain you are going through right now, but it will get better.  It takes months, many months and lots of time with your girlfriends or friends, in general.  It took me forever to listen to songs again and I would just cry in the shower for hours.....the pain will ease...it will be left as a scar that is tender when touched, but it will ease with lots and lots of time.....

read lots and lots too because you see how other people go through it and read their stories and it helps you somehow gives it validity to feel it too.

hugs...lots of hugs to you 

totally, denamaria...other people's stories do help

moonpluto i hear what you're saying re. minimizing contact...right now that option is complicated by the fact his father (the man i consider[ed] my father-in-law is very ill with MS. I need to keep something open right now, even if it is just email. I'm telling you, this relationship had hardship after hardship but we always have loved each other deeply. Life just got harder and harder and harder and harder the last thing Capricorn wants to do is submit to defeat. Sometimes I am grateful he had the balls to do it...he considers it that he is setting me free and in some ways it is true, but in another way I have profound regrets that I didn't try my best, 

years.
which was more a process of coming to closure in my head about recognizing and accepting elements of the relationship, rather than a timetable.

grief can persist for a long time...

 Sometimes we dont realise how powerful our words of encouragement can be to others!  In this thread everyone showed how big their hearts are.

''Only as high as I reach can I grow,

only as far as I seek can I go,

only as deep as I look can I see,

only as I dream can I be ''

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