My best friend through high school was a Cancer. We were friends because of our intelligence - we were both wise beyond our years, mature, and incredibly drawn to all things of a higher thought process. We couldn't be bothered with the folks around us becuase no one used their brains quickly enough at that age not to frustrate us out of bothering.  As her mother used to say, "water finds it's own level" - and it couldn't be  more true, since we're both water signs.

We kind of drifted apart during the first year of college. I was moving onward and upward in the world and becoming more of an adult, where as nothing much changed for her from high school other than the place of education she attended. I had a job on top of it and couldn't  spend a ton of time with her like I used to,  and the whole situation  sort of put a wedge between us.

About three years later, we got back into contact because we missed each other. It was as though no passage of time had occured. We were still as close, open and connected as we'd always been. But, I was in the middle of a pretty nasty divorce. A few months into our renewed contact, she broke it off with a guy she was seeing (someone I worked with), a guy  she'd openly admitted she couldn't see herself with long term; not to say she wasn't into him, just that she knew there was going to be an end at some point.

Three weeks after they broke it off, he and I hooked up. When you're hurting, you do stupid things, and I can't say I'm proud of it. She was livid and declared she would no longer continue being friends with me; but she got back together with him for a few more months before kicking him to the curb again.

Three years later, I still miss her. I think about her all the time and I've even continued reading her online blog. As of...last year?...she was still bitter about the whole thing.

I want to apologize and try to make amends so we can try to salvage a friendship that used to be very deep - but I'm nervous about it. I don't want to stirr up more discord and I certainly don't want to cause her any grief.

Is there any way to get through to a Cancer once they've made up their minds? Should I just let this one go?

Could you think about sending her a copy of this heartfelt blog post you just wrote?

I could, but after reading HER blog, I want to make sure I've a careful plan and am doing the right thing to appeal to her.

The impression I get from her blog is that it's obviously I just don't care about anyone but myself and she can't ever trust me, which is a horrible stigma to over come.

In my own defense (how I feel about it); I was hurting from a divorce that rocked me to my core. I didn't set out to stab her in the back, and I didn't help him cheat on her - they had been broken up. It's not like I macked on her boyfriend and stole him away; I don't think it has anything to do with being "trustworthy", per se. Just a PISCES in the depth of a world of blind hurt, doing something that unfortunately had a negative affect on a person so close to her. And I regret it.

I reaaaaallllllllllly miss her friendship, though. It's eating away at me.

Uh...double post.

Well you have to truly understand what you did and not defend yourself for it. "But i'm a pisces" is not a defense she'll want to hear. With that defense how could she ever trust you again?  Sensative cancers don't want their trust broken because they hang on.. so in this she's still hurting when it's brought back up. You could play to her ability to remember the good times by mentioning them a lot. Then throwing in how you are deeply sorry to have ruined the friendship. That there was no excuse for your betrayal. And it was a betrayal. I know the technicalities of being broken up, but in the world of feelings it was a betrayal. From her perspective who's to say they couldn't have worked it out.. but now they absolutely can't ever get together because you 2 got together. Sure if you were dealing with a capricorn they could say "well we were broken up" but she's a cancer.

Which is why I'm wondering if I should just let it go, Liz. She's got her pereceptions and I've got mine. Maybe she's perfectly happy being over there, all free of me?

What right do I have to even ask her for forgiveness? Especially because all signs point to her being unwilling?

So, it's me being an emotional Pisces again. A strong, miserable longing for a friend and a connection that probably doesn't exist anymore.

I'm confused, this is why I'm seeking advice.

You said about sending her a copy of your question, "I could, but after reading HER blog, I want to make sure I've a careful plan and am doing the right thing to appeal to her."

Umm, the first word that came to mind here is manipulation, but then I second guessed myself and said, no, she's just wanting to be persuasive.  I get that.  Then, you as her former friend can try to recall what she'd find appealing. 

I get where you are coming from in NOT feeling like you stole her man since they were broken up.  This strikes me as a POV (point of view) issue.  You could try explaining it to her that way.  "From your point of view it must have seemed as if ____ and that must have hurt then and still hurt now.  From my POV it was like this ____ and it hurt then and still hurts now that our friendship also suffered.  I would like to try to move past this and come to a new conclusion that leaves us as friends again."  Maybe it would work.   

Maybe it might take some future planning?  Such as "I now get it that if you are broken up with some man that means you have boundaries around him and if for some weird reason the same guy appealed to me after ya'lls breakup, then I would (BECAUSE I SO VALUE OUR FRIENDSHIP) of course, come to you and ask your consent before I ever dated another of your exes."   

Of course the same guys appeal to both of you on some levels if you are similar enough to be friends!  Seems a natural occurance to me.

Wow, that's some excellent advice.

Umm, the first word that came to mind here is manipulation, but then I second guessed myself and said, no, she's just wanting to be persuasive:  What I don't want is a reason for her NOT to hear me out. She could immediatley say, "you again?" and close the door in my face before I have a chance to get a word in edge-wise. And from everything I've seen, that would be exactly what would happen unless I had something that might make her pause.

If I were speaking her language, so to speak.

I don't intend to be manipulative, though I guess it could come across that way. Again, perception.

How about an opening line along the lines of "I understand I majorly farted things up by crossing your boundaries"? 

I wish Elsa would chime in here with some of her 'spot on' insights!

luci, are you going through you SR? just a thought-

also, I have had the door closed on me, too. I know it is hard, but sometimes we just need to walk away. we can't forgive everyone every transgression, and  nor can everyone forgive us ours. Not because we don't love each other....just that in the gap shit happens, lives move, planets make their revolutions and here we are...

My advice is to not let this get you down. Ultimately you write the story of your own life. If you can see where you went wrong, as long as you are honest with yourself, well if she doesn't get it, she doesn't. Can't do a thing about it. Self-love, baby. Carry on...it's a big world out there...you'll take your "lessons learned" and be awesome for a new friend, and maybe it will be more 'mutual'

I feel for you, I do. Been there, and I wish to save you some time. Remember the good times, and go from here. That's my 2 bits. 

Two things I can think of that may help you understand her point of view and approach her in an effective way:

1. From your description of her relationship with this man, she never said she didn't care for him, just that she couldn't see a longterm with him. So breaking up with him didn't mean she'd stopped feeling strongly about him, just that she thought it was the right thing to do. If I were in her position, I'd have found it really hard to LET GO (cancer issue) of the man, even if I knew rationally it were ther right thing to do. For someone else (anyone else, but certainly not a close friend) to sweep in 3 weeks later and take what i've just denied myself would mightily piss me off.

 2. Ultimately, to her, it probably looks like you valued sex more than her friendship. If you told her that you realise now you've got it the wrong way round and value her friendship far more.

Also, be prepared for her to set small tests to make you earn her trust back, or take you back as a 'downgraded' friend for a while, before being a close friend again.

I also think that it would mean a great deal to her to know how much it has been bothering you. Good luck!

Totally agree with Kash.  Learn and let it go.  Keep the memories, keep the friendship but let go of the need to control the situation as it is right now. 

Self love, baby. Carry on. It's a big world out there.

Reminded me of my mom and how I ran away from home in my teens for a year. I didn't do stupid things however, just have thrown myself in my studies and got to the dean's list that year.  With my venus conjunct my mercury in cancer, I guess that gives me a good insight on how my mom (sun cancer) reacts to most situations.  That year I've shown her that I can somewhat live on my own and flourish, but on the following year I went home and "came back to her fold".  We got reconciled quietly with no fireworks just like that. I made her feel that no matter how independent of her I could become, I would still take the option to come home to her, get taken cared of her, stuff like that.  Things that stimulates her cancerian "smothering" abilities. 

So Luci, forget about being hypothetical about the whole thing. Just let go of the need to steer the outcome of the present situation between you and your friend FIRST and FOREMOST.  Give it time, prepare to be humbled, keep your side of the story short, and once you're ready knock on her door.  A cancer woman never refuses anyone who knocks on her door, especially if that person "needs" her.  Let her know you need her back into your life, for whatever valid reason you can think of. 

My 20 YO daughter is cancer, cancer rising.  :O

She broke up with her longtime boyfriend a year and a half ago.  She ended it.  Yet if he dates ANYONE else, particularly a friend of acquaintance, she gets physically ill.  She goes crazy.  She will never forget, forgive or make-up.  Just thinking about it brings physical symptoms.

It's not that you did anything horribly wrong, you just cannot control the reaction.  Just be available if she ever reconsiders.  I know it's hard, just part of the circle of life.

If this were me and I decided to try and contact her again, I'd keep it very simple. Something that said I was sorry I hurt her, miss her friendship and hoped she was well.

Understanding she has the right to feel howwever she feels and that you cannot control it. Even if she is not interested at current in reconnecting, a straight-up apology with no rationalizations attached may help healing.

Well, she did get married recently.

Would it be appropriate to tell her that I've heard, congratulations, and that I regret the things that occured that took her out of my life?

Sort of a "lots has changed since we were kids and if I could go back and fix my stupid kid self to prevent the loss of something I valued, I would"? 

It's a peace offering, but she doesn't have to take it if she doesn't want to.  

Luci, I think that sounds nice. No telling if she'll want to reconnect or not, but at least you can leave it at a place you feel better about and let her know you're sorry about things and you value her.

personally, I would not. Is she writing about you on her blog? then stop reading it! have you apologized before? if not, then i think goddess has some great advice on this~

but if you have, you might actually disturb her or make her upset if you try again. i know you want to wish her well on her marriage, but sleeping dogs and all that.

The only time I've "apologized" was at the time it happened. I haven't spoken to her since, it's been over three years - probably closer to five or six.

 EDIT: 2004, so...6.

well, if that's the case you have nothing to lose...are you alright with her reaction, whatever it is? what if it is very bad, and then she blogs about it?

i'm not trying to scare you off, i think that you want to be accountable is a good thing. i'm just wondering if you will "disturb" her, even if you don't intend/desire to.

yeah, not expecting a specific response is important. it's possible that with her getting married, her feelings on the issue may have softened somewhat. but absolutely, there is a possibility it could upset her as well. there is no telling.

which is the point of the struggle, i guess, huh?

wishing you well with it whatever you decide, luci.

I admit I only read your question, not everyone's response yet -- but to me, she sounds like a pain and not worth it. Sounds too like she has a stressed-out moon --

I would try to let it go

The fact that she and the guy were broke up -- that matters in my opinion--

Details aside though, the way she is acting all high and mightly, as if her shit don't stink -- I guess it bugs me. I'm sure she's done things in her life that she regrets. Why is she so tough on you?

Why do you have to prove to her that you are worthy?

I wouldn't try. According to her, you stabbed her in the heart and you can never be trusted again. That says "unforgivable" loud and clear. Especially if she continues to bitch about you on her blog years later.

Sorry. This is not going to happen.

If she's married, I think she'd be more receptive to making up with you.  But then again, she's a Cancer.  I have a lot of trouble with them, which I've mentioned on the blog before; right now, I have two Cancer Moon women holding incredible grudges against me.  (Unlike your situation, I have and had nothing in common with these two and have no desire to be friends with or make up with them.)  All I would do is send a short note and take it from there.

If I were her, I would hope like hell to never hear from you again. I am sorry but sometimes people get hurt and they just don't want to know you anymore. This scenario would definitely qualify for me. I'm just telling ya.

That she still writes about you shows she feels something. You'd get no such satisfaction but I would say the odds of reconciliation are very, very low.

Keep in mind her MO. She went back to the guy and then dumped him. If she goes back to you, expect the same.

See, I'd have told you both to fuck off and never looked at either of you again. I'm not kidding, run into me and I'm looking right over your shoulder like you're not even human.  Try to talk to me and I might hit you with a bat.

 I am not telling you this to make you feel bad.  My point is to illustrate how deep things like this go.  Some of us out there just ain't playin' and if she is still writing about this a years after the fact she is definitely more interested in demonizing you than she is in friendship. You'd have to be a masochist to go back in there, far as I'm concerned. 

She was up late at night thinking of his dick in you and she's just not going to forget it and on that front, I don't blame her, do you?

Luci....during my first year of separation from my husband (it has been 13 years), my then "good" friend, an aquarian, made the moves on my separated-from husband.  I found out that when I was out of town one weekend she went over to his place and "hung out"....I was livid!!  Even though it was my idea to separate, I was still furious.  I know we are talking different ball games here but point is for me....she overstepped a boundary and there was no way for me to see her side.  She was saying things...."well, you guys were separated....dumb stuff".  I told her then that our friendship was over and it was for me.

Last month, she called me .....she is now married and lives out of state, and she was passing through my state and wanted to connect because she hated what had happened and wanted my forgiveness and to try to reconcile.  I told her in very few words that she was forgiven, but that I saw no point in re-connecting friendship wise with her.  I would always be thinking about what she did....it would never leave my mind if I did let her back in.....

Your story....even though very different...you were young, not married, etc., it brought her image up for me....so my advice is to let this one go.  There are lots of people to meet that you won't have that roadkill on your path as friends. 

For reference. 

Luci - who's chart is this - yours, hers, composite?

Something tells me you are going to keep trying. Out of guilt maybe? Or desire to control? Make her forgive you? You can't. If that's her chart, she has enough problems --

The chart is hers.

And no. I think I'm just going to let it lie. The more I think about it, the more the timing doesn't feel right.

Wow. Never thought I'd think through all the possible outcomes and angles before jumping head long (or not jumping) into doing something that was emotion based.

Go me (PISCES)! 

Also, MoonPluto, I have to say that judgement is unfair. I miss a friend. I miss her BADLY. A pisces with her Mars in Aries and her Venus in Pisces. 

It's not easy to lose someone so close to me and just let it go. It's not in my genetic make up.

I have no plans, nor did I ever, of FORCING her into jack. But saying, "I miss you, is there a chance we can make up" did appeal to me.

After getting advice, it's the wrong move, but...damn. Don't make it sound like I was going to rush in head long and force her back into my life again no matter what she said - that was never the idea.  

I honestly don't find, "I fucked up and I'm regretful; should I bother trying to fix things" to be a controlling question.

Sun (ruler of friendship house) paired with Mars square grudge holding Pluto/Saturn. Natal Venus in the friendship house square Moon/Uranus/Jupiter (unpredictable, inflated, feelings)  getting a Saturn in Virgo transiting square.... Doesn't look promising.

Ummm, when it does feel right Luci, do you have an address where you could drop her a short note about your thoughts on the matter and give her a return address and phone number?  Then, the onus is on her if she wishes to either connect or remain at the distance.

For the record, never used the word "force" -- did talk about control. I'll keep my opinions to myself now.

I too have Venus in Virgo in the 11th, and Mars in Cancer.....couldn't tell you exactly the astrological connection to this....but I would be LIVID if one of my friends did that.  I know everyone is human, I'm sure it was a mistake, and I'm sure you learned a valuable lesson from it. 

To second Tess, I get physically wound up just at the thought of one of my friends doing that to me, I would eventually forgive in my heart...but I just couldn't ever let it go.  Perhaps it's that Cancer Mars. 

I think it'd be best to let it go, because she will always be suspicious of you.  I think with that Venus in Virgo in the 11th...it's important for our friends to be consistently trustworthy, and even though your intent wasn't to hurt her and you learned from your mistake...I doubt she'll EVER see you the same as she did beforehand and with the same level of admiration as you do her.

I think it's kind of an offense to mankind that you don't think you'll find another friend as intelligent as you two =)  I'm sure there is another soul out there that you can connect with on that level again....and it will be a clean slate, you don't have to worry about being untrusted and the such.

Best wishes, Luci!

Thanks, Shell.

It's just sort of...she's the only person I've ever met that really GOT me, ya know? 

Hmm, in my honest opinion, I have a hesitant feeling about you reconciling with her. Your relationship is too poisoned and there's wayyy too much tension. I would 'learn to lay it aside' or let this one die out slowly. It may take years for you to not make a big deal out of this anymore, but it's better for you, a Pisces, to let it fade over the years than to make more bad memories of her slamming the door in your face.

I know laying something aside isn't easy, but it's better than putting more poison into this already shaky relationship.

This thing is out of astrology, but if we were to talk astrology, then here it is:

Cancers do not let go easily! Too bad you didn't offend an Gemini or Sagittarius, they might at least have a chance of forgiving you.

Luci..you have gotten alot of good advice here and from the people you really needed to hear it from....another Cancer (astrologically speaking).  You mentioned your friend being a Cancer and you are a Pisces, as Toni said..."I think this is out of astrology now"..and it may be and only you know what that is.

I am Mars in Cancer and I wrote how I did react and others like Moonpluto (Cancer) and Shell (Mars in Cancer) told you how they would feel under these circumstances or what they would do.

I am also Venus in Pisces and I am thinking you want some kind of closure to this..forgiveness, that she has forgotten it, she hasn't either from what you wrote....so I don't know.  Maybe you need to have a finality...no matter how it turns out...good or bad...but, a finale....then, you can move on from this.  I can sense your angst through your words, chica! 

I don't know. I think I have my closure. I know how she feels and I really don't have to do too much probing to figure how she feels NOW.

What I'm famous for is not being able to stand the EMOTION behind it all, and looking for something to ease the pain. Dragging us both through why she was pissed at me AGAIN isn't going to heal that.

And since all signs point to "Dumb idea, Luci", I think I'll just let sleeping dogs lie. 

Pisces love to reminisce about there past lovers and friends. I have noticed it is soooo hard for them to emotionally detach from people they use to be involved with. My friend who is a Pisces does this all the time. He constantly tries to rekindle friendships or relationships when they have expired. The best thing to do is live and learn and then move on. You apologized and still it didn't help, there is a reason you haven't been friends for 6 years. You can go ahead and try to talk to her and see where you both stand. But I'm sure that durning these 6 years you at least tried once to contact her and the results weren't good. Do you want to rekindle more so to show her that you are indeed a good person, even if you hooked up with her Ex. Is it guilt? My Pisces friends do this, they feel guilty and want to prove to the other. When really they need not to prove anything, except love themselves and move on.

by the way, Good luck Luci.

I can honestly say I'm not like that., what you describe. I'm not friends with any of my exes, nor do I want to be - I don't want to hang around someone I don't respect. I've cut people out of MY life before (family, none the less) have never looked back.

And no, I haven't contacted her in these six years. Not once.

Yes, I'm regretful I did what I did. No, I'm not guilt-ridden and agonizing over it; just the loss of a close friend that "got me" in a way no one else ever has before. 

Fuck, I can't change the past; it'd be pretty stupid to feel that guilty over it. Regret and guilt are leagues apart.

But I DO value her as a friend and a person which was why I thought about it. 

And you know what? Typing all that out just helped solidify the reasons why contacting her is a bad idea.  So I'm double sticking by my choice, now.