This is a straight-up child psychology question but I'm going to ask for advice if anyone can help.  My son is 3 1/2 years old and he just started (this week) to be able to verbalize the question, "Why don't Mommy and Daddy live together?  Why don't Mommy and Daddy hug anymore?"  His dad and I are divorced and the reasons are fairly ugly, his dad was abusive and is an angry stalker to this day, and even if that weren't the case, it's hard enough to explain divorce.  However, our son is extremely bright and as a Sun/Mercury in Sagittarius I think he can definitely appreciate a storyline. 

Adults tend to deflect his questions, a la "He asked me why he doesn't live with daddy-- I just said "Because he has his own house but you get to see it every week, right?"  That was his daycare lady's (fairly sensitive) response to him.  And then she changed the subject.   I do the same thing all the time, but I have faith that he's old enough to hear some version of the real story.  It is really hard for me to figure out what the content can be, though.  I would like to write this out like a bedtime story and read/tell it to him.  I think he will really be able to grasp and absorb and I think it will give him a lot more to hang onto than adults avoiding his questions.  I mean, it has cost him a lot to develop the insight and wit and articulation to ask these questions, and then nobody will give him a straight answer.

So, anyone have thoughts?

"Dear mybaby,

Once upon a time, your mommy and daddy lived together and loved each other and they had a baby and that was you.  But one day..."

I need help.  I don't know what I can say that will be truthful, not bullshit, and yet framed in a way a 3-year-old can understand.  I also don't want to say anything negative about his father, period.

Like I said, a child psychology question, but if anyone has any experience (life, astrology, whatever) to share on this topic, I would be super grateful.

Personally, I think he should be completely protected. I don't care how smart he is, he's a baby.  I am sorry if this is rude but he's a BABY and I can't function on telling a baby how his parents have separated. You may as well be explaining war or physics... I can't see burdening such a young soul.

Well, I definitely appreciate that perspective. I don't know what to do about him directly asking me.  Lie?  He's already aware of the obvious fact that his mom and dad don't live together.  I just need to bridge him over and respond to his questions adequately until he's old enough to get a grasp on adult motives.  And I don't think what you say is rude at all, it's just that he's already burdened, unfortunately, and knows enough to be struggling with it.  I wish I could protect him completely.

Here is another way to look at it:  Who here, would like to hear about their parents divorce when they were 3??

I rest my case.:)

Yeah, again Elsa I would far rather he be totally sheltered from this until an adult, but I remember my own parents totally bullshitting me about why they got divorced, and how hurt I was about that. 

"Who wants to hear about their parents' divorce when they are 3"  Sure, no one.  But "who wants their parents to be divorced when they are 3" = also no one.

My son is on the young side for sure, but he's asking me about it every day why we don't live together.  I'm looking for a simple temporary answer here, not a complex one.  I don't think he can handle the real reason. 

Jessica- If it were me, I'd go with something very simple. Like, "Sometimes mommies and daddies live in different houses. But your mommy is always your mommy, and your daddy is always your daddy, no matter where they live." For a child that age, telling them "you've decided to live in different houses" is probably explanation enough.

I'd just answer the direct question. He may wonder if the change is temporary, or his living arrangments are going to change, or just miss his father. You can address those concerns lovingly without getting into details of why you made the decisions you did.

He may wonder if the change is temporary, or his living arrangments are going to change,

Thanks goddess, I know he misses his father but I didn't think about him wondering if it was temporary.  That is a good perspective!

Jessica, our posts crossed. I wrote my second before I saw yours in between.  But I do feel very strongly I am right.  I mean, the idea a 3 year old is wondering if something is temporary is a pure projection.  3 year olds just don't think like that... I'm sorry.

I should shut the fuck up except I know you and I feel to do so would be disrespectful.

However - this will be the last I'll offer and again I really mean no harm.

Jessica you are such a thoughtful gal. Something I find infinitely appealing about you! But to add... Just because it (telling him) doesn't happen now doesn't mean it's now or never. My godson's father ended up being committed when he was 4 and he has never been back in the home. He hasn't yet been told much beyond  (he is now 10 and a half) but communication has not ended. 

Yes, I was thinking the same thing. It doesn't have to be now or never.  I'm sure there will be a more suitable time to explain it in better detail, when he is old enough to understand and make his own conclusions about it.  I can understand your impatience, you probably feel like you owe him an explination; but it's true, he's only 3.  This converstaion about you and his father is an important one and you want to make sure he's ready for it (as ready as anyone can be in that circumstance) and can process it to the best of his ability.  It's easy to think our kids are ready for these things, we think our children are so amazing/smart that we do project a maturity onto them that we sometimes shouldn't.  It's kinda like when we project human qualities onto our dog, but in the end they're still an animal.  He's a very young child and he should be as light as possible right now.  Good luck, I know there's no easy way, but I'm sure whatever you decide to do is with the best intentions.

how great that you're thinking about this!  it's funny how we're all very conscious of not wanting to repeat the same mistakes we think our parents made.  but to bring up an alternative experience to yours, it can also be wounding for your parents to place too much responsibility/knowledge on you at an early age.  i knew all about why my parents were fighting, etc, and some years later, i kind of wish i hadn't.  i often felt like i wasn't able to be as carefree as other kids my age...that i was weighed down by their problems.  i'm still working on undoing that.  so i agree that lightness and innocence should be protected for as long as possible.

I have no doubt that you want to be sensitive and that's the way it should be. I don't think anyone would ascribe anything bad to your motives, because it's obvious you care. However, I am sure it would be helpful for you to sift through your thoughts and feelings and pinpoint what part of this is about you and your need to "sew it up" or make it "clean", and what part is really about what information your son needs to have-- which I think at this point is just about nonexistent-- you're at the beginning of the story, not the end. I can see where the temptation might be to give him something now in a little dose, kind of like the way they'll give you shots of an allergen to desensitize you. It's like you hope his antibodies will multiply as he grows up "with" it, and that he'll be less affected by it and suffer less. The goal is noble but I just don't think it works like that.

Your son couldn't possibly understand what a marriage is, what brings people together or what tears them apart. Is it possible that all he wants is just a practical answer to a practical question? I understand it is emotionally loaded for you, but I think kids are somewhat oblivious no matter how intelligent they are. I know how hard it is-- I have a Pisces moon, my son's moon is in the 4th house and I have felt my heart being ripped out from my chest many times over for the slightest of his suffering. But he is not asking the angst-ridden existential question that YOU might ask with the same words. 

If you feel it is best that you are divorced, you can answer very simply because you made a choice that supports his well-being. You have nothing to be sorry for, and you made his life more normal. You wouldn't apologize if you had a happy marriage and for whatever reason your husband went away to work to make money or give your family better opportunities. It would just be the way things are for the good of all involved. Take away all the emotion-- and I realize it's hard but just bear with me-- so what if his parents don't live together? So what if they don't hug? Who said that is the only kind of family that is valid? Who says that fundamentally he lacks something?? 

Normal and doing fine can mean many, many things, don't forget that. There's not just one recipe.

I think you know we are a supportive bunch and that NONE of this is meant to criticize, only to be helpful to the best of our abilities. Take this and everything else and mull it over and see what works for you. 

A big hug xoxo

 I think you know the answer. Mother knows best any how.
He will most likely keep asking until he gets what he wants. He knows something isn't right; best he hear a straight forward answer from you that he can understand. Rather than running the risk of somebody else saying something that causes harm. 

I didn't finish my bachelors in psych, emphasis in child development, but I was very close.  I have worked closely with children, parents, judges, and social workers as a guardian ad litem.  my parents divorced when I was very young.  my ex and I divorced with small children.

it is your call to make as a parent but I STRONGLY CAUTION YOU.  any more than what you have already said is in what I believe to be my educated opinion a very bad idea.

children have many questions at this age and little ability to properly process the answers.  at this age kids will repeatedly ask why about LOTS of things.  how far is up?  what he needs is concrete stability and that may mean repeating that same simple answer over and over.  he may even be  making sure the answer doesn't change from day to day.  his concept of reality is THAT fluid.  simple and loving is better.  more than him being interested in what the heck happened he is more likely unable to voice his question about what is permanent.  daddy lived with us and now he doesn't.  can anyone leave?  I would be clear that mommy will not leave.  that HE will not leave.  that the way things are is the way they will stay.

it's not easy.  what they need is simple answers.  answers that don't change from day to day.  reality permanence. 

you know, a lot of the old ways of adults relating to children have gone out of vogue.  that does not mean they were all bad.  there's nothing wrong with telling a child the gentle, factual truth, that the parents are going to live seperately but will always love him and be his parents, and answering questions beyond that scope with "that is a private matter between mommy and daddy."  boundaries are good.  boundaries make a child feel safe.  oversharing is confusing and makes a child feel they may be in some way responsible (not necessarily culpable but perhaps wanting to help) for something that feels big and they do not understand.

My ex and I divorced when my boys were then 2 and 3.  I always felt it helped to explain it very simply in a way they could relate.  I would say something like "you know how sometimes you like playing in your own area with your toys and your brother likes to play in his own space with his toys?  Well, that's how it is with Daddy and me...we love you with all our hearts but we both are happiest in our own spaces." 

This generaly garnered an "Oh. Okay."  and they went about their business.  They're 18 and 19 now and amazing young men.  I have a sag ascendent and the truth is important and really there is nothing truer that I could have said...stay positive and so will he.

and this is really hard to do...

But in regards to the big picture, your perspective of your ex is never and will never be the same as your son's perspective of his father.  No matter what you went through with him or what he did to hurt you, don't transfer that burden onto your son.  To your son, he is his Dad and always will be.  It's tough to be objective in that situation I know and he will find out what he needs to when he needs to but now days it's tough enough to be a kid without having to feel emotionaly torn between his love for you and his love for his dad.  Basically, before something comes out of your mouth, think about how you, as a child, would feel hearing it.  Hope that makes sense.

Hi Jessica, I understand that this is tough for you to hear your child ask you this question, but I agree with Elsa and Satori on this one.  You are the parent and need to protect your child from any adult matters and that is what that is.....the only part he needs to be reassured of is that you and daddy love him very much and he just wants to feel safe.  to tell him anymore will take safety net away from him.  He is too young to begin to understand the dynamics of adult relationships

Part of growing up is understanding more of these relationships....he is not there.

 I have 3 children myself and their father and I went through a divorce and I did not want my children to angst over what was happening to their father and I.  I wanted them to feel that their world was still safe and protected as much as possible.  If you let them in on adult situations, their little minds cannot handle that and as hard as it is...you want your little boy to have his 3 year old life and vision of the world.

Jessica - my heart goes out to you.  I've been there.  Let me just say that whatever you say at this young an age may not be helpful, even though you are acting with the best intentions.  Kids have this way of taking what you say and internalizing it so that it makes sense to them. 

My ex-husband moved out and cut all ties with my children when my youngest was 3.  My young one is a Taurus with a fixed grand cross.  She loves her daddy!  The reasons for it are too much for my children to process without them becoming damaged. So, I told my children that sometimes people love each other but then they cannot get along so it becomes better that they live apart.  My situation is a bit different than yours - because their father is not in their lives.  Their questions are far more probing and I know that they will have to know one day, but until then I want them to be kids and not have to deal with someone else's mess.  There will plenty of time for that when the are adults.

Is your ex reasonable enough when it comes to parenting so that you can both come up how to handle such questions?  It helps to be on the same page.  Keep being a strong Mommy!  Your little boy needs you!

Elsa, zero harm taken and please don't shut the fuck up.   Really what I wanted to ask was "what is the right thing to do?" and I shouldn't have titled my post as if I presupposed the answer.  I want this input.  Lately, I've felt pressure from the other adults who *are* explaining things to him and I feel like the buck stops with me.  The buck can also stop with me by me continuing to shield him.  All this feedback has definitely helped me think through how my parents dealt with me.  I have this clear memory of my dad telling me something that didn't ring true with me, but that was also because my mom had told me way too much, so I was already un-sheltered.

I have lots more responses, just want to post now because I have to run out...

Okay, well I can just about guarantee you this:

When your kid is 20 and you look back and remember him at 3 years old, you will realize that he was in fact a baby. BAY-BEE.

In real life, I communicate with the soldier's adult son -- his father's impressions and observations and I am telling you unequivocally that 3 years old is a baby, baby, baby, baby and hopefully a baby can be a baby. 

Kids do not remember things from when they were 3 and if they happen to do you really want it to be something like this? 

 All the experienced parents here are telling you the same thing. You can mean well all day long, I am telling you when you look back in 20 years and recall yourself discussing divorce with your baby son you will see how ludicrous it really is.  I suggest you push him on a swing instead.  This is what is 3 year olds actually like. :-)

Experience is much more important than meaning well, I think.  Now see what a godsend this board has been already just in correcting my perspective and shoring me up?  Consult experts, for SURE.  Thank you, Elsa.

kashmiri, thank you and it's nice to remember he has his whole life ahead for further explanations.

we think our children are so amazing/smart that we do project a maturity onto them that we sometimes shouldn't. 

I think you are right, shell.

it can also be wounding for your parents to place too much responsibility/knowledge on you at an early age.

I'm sorry, venusflytrp. I actually had this too and I think I was forgetting about the effect it had.  (((hugs)))

I understand that this is tough for you to hear your child ask you this question

thank you for understanding DenaMaria, it's true.  But now I agree with everyone that my son is not assigning the adult angst to the question that I am.

PixieDust, your whole comment is brilliant, you understood exactly how I was feeling.  You hit on the fact that I am dealing with how *I* feel about it, and so I'm glad that I took it here (and elsewhere) to bounce it around before doing anything. And yes, I feel good that I made a choice that supports my son's well-being by getting divorced.  Thank you!

Dan, you are right, he knows something isn't right.  Unfortunately, I am always running the risk that someone else says something that harms him, so I will do my best not to add to it.

kvk, thank you, I love that example about the playspace!  I think I can even hold off on that answer for a while, too.

boundaries are good.  boundaries make a child feel safe.  oversharing is confusing and makes a child feel they may be in some way responsible

satori I am deeply grateful for your experience!  I think probably what sparked my question is me processing how my parents overshared with me (both fact and fiction).  Getting this input makes me feel more confident about not making the same mistake.  I also will not beat myself up for repeating my one good answer and not having something more interesting to say (gotta watch out for that Gemini moon).  'Interesting' is not desirable in this case.

Keep being a strong Mommy!  Your little boy needs you!

Thank you, poesia!

I feel so good about this now.  Thank you everyone for your input!!!

Hi Jessica - you have gotten wonderful advice here, and I won't try to add to that, since I do not have any personal experience in this area.  I was wondering your son's birthdate - my nephew is also 3, and he is a Saggi, born 11/30.  You say how smart your son is, and my nephew is also almost ridiculously smart.  He was saying words before he was one - never spoke "baby talk".  Just went straight to speaking in full sentences.  His memory is also just mind-blowing.  I have conversations with this kid - so I guess I am wondering if there was something going on asrologically a few years ago, because I have also come across 3 yr olds at my job, who also seem to be just off the charts verbal.  Thanks - Dorothy

Yes Dorothy, he is frighteningly smart!  When he turned 3, he had whole books memorized.  I think he will be reading soon.  He has a very long memory and very good with adults' names and long words and he is very articulate... which is why he's able to ask questions like he is.  He was born 11/26/05.  He has Merc Rx - he didn't speak early at all, but when he did, it was like a full conversation.

But everybody's kid is a genius, right?   Oops, I think I confused this with the 'brag on your kid' thread, haha.

Explain that there are all kinds of families, and yours is just one kind.  It doesn't mean that anyone loves him any less.  That he's special.

The question is rooted in the insecurity that he is 'different' or outcasted in some way.

I was a kid who never liked to be bullshitted either, but learning to accept differences in the way people live their lives is something I can appreciate.  I think your Sag son could definitely understand that as well.

It's not a question about how you feel about his father...it's more...'why am I different?'  And the answer is, because everyone is...and that's what makes people flawed, beautiful and wonderful. 

Hi Jessica,

I have a stepson who is now 17.  His mother all but abandoned him as a young child, and the situation really amde me angry.  She didn't want to be bothered being a parent and wasn't interested in raising him.  However, neither his father or I ever said anything about this to him, even when he asked.  He didnt need to be burdened with such stuff, because his own mother not being around for him was painful enough.  He and I are close now, and I think he appreciates that I rarely (I slipped up a couple of times) said anything bad about his mom.  He discovered the truth about her all on his own.

On a personal note, my parents, even though it was well-intentioned on their part, told me that I was adopted when I was only 3.  I was reading at that age and was more "advanced" than other kids my age, so they thought it would be better for me to learn the truth at an earlier age.  It fucked me up for a long time.  I think they should have waited a year or two, but I never blamed them for me taking the truth so poorly.  Parenting is the most complex and challenging thing I've ever been through.  There's so many times I thought, I could have handled that a lot better.  That said, I agree with everyone who suggested a gentle way of telling the truth.

I firmly believe that kids will ask questions to which only the adults around them feel bad about not giving the whole answer to.  He isn't old enough to know that he doesn't want the full answer, you are old enough to realize that the full answer would hurt him.

A simple, honest, kid understandable explanation would be that mommy and daddy were not happy living together.  A brief conversation about the importance of being happy and how mommy and daddy are happier now, which allows him to be happy should go a long way.

Gosh that is a terrible worry - I really feel for you I would hate to have to deal with that with my little ones as our instinct is to protect...so go with your instincts!

Hey want to hear a KIDS perspective?  I know someone who is now 15 who went through all this and has told me what it felt like now she is older....keep the kindness and the protectiveness there as long as you can without lying (even if you have to pretend sometimes or tell little white lies) Kids do not need to hear all the ugly stuff...Whatever you do TRY to make peace with her father (and yourself for trying), again even if only civil/pretend  - the angst, arguments, manipulations and weird stuff that can go on between ex-partners who share children can SCREW the kids up and can ruin their perspective on what a healthy relationship is  (not saying you do this!)

Sorry if I sound harsh - the poor girl went through hell :( and she hasn't even scraped the surface of what she'll have to deal with when she is older. Her wish given that her parents would never be together was at least they could be respectful, of her, of each other and of themselves.

The most important thing is that you are doing what you are - by being there, being caring and the advice kvk gave was excellent.