When I was younger I used to go on dates with all sorts of guys that I didn't have any attraction to and were often odd. I used to feel sorry for them and didn't know how to say no. Very often the date would go so badly and awkwardly they'd never want to see me again so I'd just feel rejected by someone I didn't like in the first place.

I'm older and wiser now and don't get asked out as much but when I do I've decided that the above approach is perhaps not the wisest.

Now I just say no. No excuses ... just no.

My friends are pretty shocked by this. They are pretty much of the let them down easy school of thought, which translates into say yes, but put them off when they pin you down for an actual day ... draw this out for a few weeks. If you are forced into a corner, then go for a drink with him, but then say you have other plans later on.

Surely my approach may be a bit brutal, but isn't it more respectful? I don't imagine that someone will go to pieces just because I say no and I'm not stringing them along. I would hate it if a guy did this to me.

So how would you like to be turned down? I'm particularly interested in the opinions of any guys here. :)

I have a problem right now...and I haven't much of a good idea how to get out of it.  I think your approach might be the best, actually.

I think it's possible to do both, be forthright but also polite. "thank you but no." a sincere emphasis on the thank you, if it is indeed sincere. I'm thinking like the letters one gets when their resume is rejected. "thank you for your interest ::insert rejection::"

I'm with you Nightflower. I would much rather if they aren't interested, just say 'I'm flattered but not interested'. That's what I say to those I'm not interested in. I didn't like to string guys along when I dated and I sure as hell don't want to be left hanging myself. 

@Brizo: All I can say it is a lot cleaner.

@Satori: "I think it's possible to do both" I'm confused, are you saying that saying no is not polite but saying yes with the intention of not going out with them is polite?

I consider that I'm always polite, but I am careful with this no as too much politeness would sound a bit condescending.

@AllieMcNally: I think I always say a variation on that. I have also been on the receiving end of being strung along :(

Nightflower, I think your approach is definitely better. If you're not interested in the guys, then why waste your time (and theirs)? You are doing them a favor and anyone who thinks otherwise is deluding themselves.

ETA: Yeah, I would agree with Satori. Nice ("Thanks, I'm really flattered") but honest ("But I'm not interested").

Me too Nightflower, I've been strung along and it just made me feel like crap. I would so much rather they just say no. Even if it's rude, at least then you can say 'well okay then, that's a definite no!' 

I think of politeness as social lubrication. to my mind JUST saying, "no," lacks social lubrication. I think a person can be very honest, still saying no without waffling, but maintain a socially pleasant atmousphere by saying thank you as well. I'm not casting aspersions on however you choose to say it, just that for myself I would prefer to hear the truth swaddled in padding so it doesn't hit my pride so hard. :)

I'm not choosing the "let them down easy" option, just saying I prefer, "no thank you," over "no."

It is interesting that there is a bit of an assumption that I must be being a bit rude, but I think that is US vs European thing. It is not considered rude to say no in Europe. I kind of resent the implication that I am being rude, but that's not fair to you guys either as I asked you for what you think, so I need to accept that you guys do think it is rude. For the record obviously I'm not just saying 'No' and then turning around and walking off there is always a go context and it is always appropriate, sometimes it is 'thanks, but no' or something that is appropriate to the question, like I said, I wouldn't want to offend them by patronising them.

I posted the above after I read Satori's post. I say please and thank you for everything, as appropriate. I don't just say No.

I'm so shocked that people would think this!! My point of just saying 'no' was that I don't validate the no with an excuse, not that I throw social etiquette out the window. It would be so easy to say 'no, I'm busy', 'no - I'm already dating someone', this is what I mean of just saying no.

LOL, lesson learned from me. I always think that a lot of people ask questions and are not prepared to hear the answers, and here I am not prepared to hear how others think it comes across.

I need to add something as well. In my friends' heads they don't think they are stringing the guy along. They think it is 'social lubricant' as well. They think it will be easier if they are 'polite' and kind and say 'yes, let's do that sometime' even though they know they don't. I just want to make their side a bit more balanced. There is nothing malicious in their intentions.

I didn't mean to imply anything about how you operate. I was answering the question about what I would prefer personally.

I think everyone has a great reason for their opinion. Assuming when you say "No" by itself.... your eyes aren't spininng around and a deep sataning voice eminates from your mouth.

i just say i'm seeing someone or that i'm interested in someone else. it's not completely honest (hey, i AM interested in someone else...i just haven't met him yet!), but i have no problem saying it. 

it allows me to draw a clear boundary while honoring my own instincts around rejection (meaning most people internalize rejection). it takes some courage to ask someone out and oddly enough, my fibbing feels like a form of respect. this is one of the very rare instances in which i have no qualms about lying.

@Satori: Oh it is good to hear. Thanks :)

@Glenn: I say my pleases and thank yous, but I make no promises about my eyes not spinning around. You're a guy though, honestly would you prefer a no. Let's face it with my friends you might be able to get them for a quick drink ... a quick drink turns into a few drinks ... one of my friends is super-hot as well ... all the boys like her and she is not real good with that 'no' word ;)

Short and sweet and firmly. :) Then I can move on quickly.

@topaz: I totally understand. I used to say to always say I had a boyfriend. Guys would say in return that they didn't care if I had a boyfriend. I of course would say that I did care, but they would just continue as if I was flirting with them. Seriously I have heard that so many times. That's one of the reasons why I'm more straight with people now.

I actually think that I would prefer to be rejected that way. It is a clear no, but allows me my pride ... I wouldn't reply that I didn't care either.

I would rather someone say they are not interested and there is no need to elaborate as to why. I don't need details, basically. 

When I was 'dating', ie going out with men, I'd accept most invitations unless I positively disliked a man or found him repellent to the extent I didn't want to spend a few hours with him. I loved eating out see? - still do! And loved being 'taken out' - drinks, cinema or whatever... and I love male company

I'd have to be pretty turned off by someone, or feel things would go seriously awry if I went out with him and then didn't sleep with him, to say no; and in those cases I'd say 'No Thank you' pretty firmly in a manner to ensure he didn't ask me again! (but most of them kept on asking, and on .... what is it with dorks, that they won't take no for an answer?!)

@Night.... oh Hell yes I prefer a simple answer. Granted it's nice to have a reason why , but I won't pester the woman for one (unless it really bugging me).

@Glenn: I think when I try to give explanations to guys they just see issues that need to be fixed and it prolongs the dialogue. 

Well , that's what us guys do best.... fix things. Most of us forget that women sometimes just want to vent for venting's sake.

Be honest, but let me down gently.

When I was in HS, an all-girls' Catholic HS BTW, I asked some guy I worked with to our Christmas dance.  Not only did he say no, he laughed about it with some girl who didn't like me behind my back.

I just wanted a date to the dance, nothing else.  I didn't forget the rudeness and just plain nastiness of the whole thing.

The guy had no manners or social graces.  I doubt he got any in the 25 years since I last saw him.

I've always just said no.. and ruder than you lol. Ended up gaining their respect/friendship even if it hurt them a little as my general interest in them - ie i like people - didn't change. Now i'd probably throw in "thank you but no i'm not interested."
But I agree the rest is a game and is just delay and can result in them thinking that you were stringing them along. Just a waste of time. Besides it can toughen a man to hear no and make him a better man down the line.

I've been on both ends of the string-along. It creates confusion, and wasted time trying to figure out who's the fool in the game. You wonder how many weeks to wait on a guy to call you before you give up and move on.

I've been on both ends of the string-along. It creates confusion, and wasted time trying to figure out who's the fool in the game. You wonder how many weeks to wait on a guy to call you before you give up and move on.

Well, I think that what you do is very honest and upfront.  I don't want to be lead around for a few days or weeks, that hurts worse to me.  Then, not only could you not be honest and tell me no, but now you've lead me around like a fool.  I don't think it's cruel, it is respectful,
Angie

When I was younger I used to say "I have a boyfriend"

I once got "well he doesn't have to know" to which i replied, "eww"

But my Gemini Venus was really saying, "oh yeah!"

I have so much water in my chart and it hurts me terribly to know that I've hurt someones feelings.  So, I always would say that hey, I really like you but I just got back with my boyfriend fiction.  As much as I hate to lie I just don't have it in me to bluntly say no to a nice guy who really likes me. 

And sometimes I do wonder what my life would have been like if I'd said yes.

Nightflower, why are you asked out??

@Denise: Me neither ... hence why I used to date them all when I was younger.

@Everyone: I actually don't have a problem with lying to spare people's feelings, but sometimes I'm talking about someone who I actually have had a date with so I'm turning down future dates, or it is somebody at work. Lies can come back and stab you in the eye if you do it too close to home.

@Chad:"Nightflower, why are you asked out??"

What do you mean? Can't you imagine anyone possibly wanting to go out with me? :(

Absolutely it's more respectful to say no straight away. It's quite cruel to give someone hope for a few weeks then disappear or squirm away without a reason.

I used to do the same thing as  you when I was younger, mainly because I was too shy or worried to say no. Now I just say no thanks. Clean and clear.

I prefer I wasn't rejected, however if she does, perhaps she could help me find another like her.

God, I don't know. I'd rather "take the hint" without having someone be forced to tell me to my face to go away.

You've got to give them an incentive to leave. Practice laughing like Fran Drescher... That should do it.

I'd like to be told the straight up truth, in a compassionate way. I think a lot of people hate the thought of rejecting someone so much, that they just avoid it and don't deal with it.

A proper rejection should be handled in a businesslike manner...

"I appreciate your offer (If you do), Or, I'm flattered by your offer (if you are), but I am influenced by reason a, prevented by situation b, and turned off, by condition c, and therefore, choose not to partake in this transaction right now. You're a good person (if they are), good luck, your future looks bright (if it does). have a nice day.

So how would you like to be turned down? I'm particularly interested in the opinions of any guys here. :)

Hahaha, LIKE and TURNED DOWN should never be used in the same sentence!  Nyuknyuk.  :)

Extremely straight up. Tell me everything!

I can't believe I never answered this!

I'm in the "no, thank you" and no details camp.  When I'm rejecting someone else, it's generally "Thank you, I'm flattered that you thought of me, but I'm not interested."  Or something along those lines.

Tangentially related:  I had a relatively sane looking guy ask me for my number yesterday as I was walking down the street.  I smiled as I said no, but I was very clear on it.  No apologies, no politeness beyond that.  

I'm in the "No, thank you" catagory as well. But then again, I don't really date - I hang out. Makes it easier to bail if things go badly or stay and make it a night if things go well.