These are the hardest days of my life.

My marriage is over as I know it. This silence is starting to seem so loud. We fought yesterday. I was so angry. He treats me like shit. I am miles away from home and all I want to do is cry in my mothers arms. I have gone above an beyond to make this work, moving away from home, living amongst racists, and putting up with his in-laws. I have left jobs, friends, and my beloved family so he will appreciate me more. I feel helpless and hopeless. He informs me yesterday I need to leave HIS HOUSE. It was never about us, it was always about his star shining brighter than mine. I have so much anger and rage inside of me, I want to put my fist through the window, I want to break every dish in this house, I want to inflict so much pain on myself and others. My life has never been fair, or even okay. I've put myself through so much shit for him and this is the thanks I get. I've endured so much and nothing has paid off. I feel like nothing. I feel like the whole word is caving down on me while there is not much I can do about it. Even as we speak, I am crying while he watches sports. I feel so angry. I feel like there is not much to live for. I feel alone. 

Sorry, I needed to vent this to whoever would listen.

Ouch - that sounds horrible. By your tag I'm guessing you were born in 1980, and if so, this is a Saturn return issue too. I know how much it sucks when a marriage goes bad, and I feel for you. It sounds like you have tried really hard to make it work, but it seems like it is time to let it go. Sucks to hear this, but saturn only breaks down structures that need to be broken down. You probably don't believe this right now, but once this is behind you, you will be free to do the things that make YOU happy. Like be near your friends and family, and away from someone who treats you bad. You are young, things can and do change. Sending good thoughts your way.

((citygirl1980)),

If this situation has gotten so bad with this guy, are you sure this is the guy you want to cry over? You also said he treats you like shit!

citygirl1980, if you have to change so much about your situation to make someone care about you than that person doesn't truly love you.

His family is racists against you and they don't appreciate you. Also, your husband might be influenced by his family. If a man is too weak to appreciate you because of what his family thinks, I don't think he's the one for you.

I've read some of your entries on this blog and your situation seems horrible. citygirl1980, this Saturn return of yours is a great way to make your life better. Being a Taurus, you can get stuck easily. Maybe you two aren't meant to be together?

And finally, you said you've been with him for 8 years and things have gotten worse? citygirl, 8 years is a long time. If it was meant to be don't you think his family and him would've accepted you by now?

But this is your choice. Don't do anything because I told you, do it because you think it's right!

If you feel you can do something to work it out with him, then do it.

If you feel it won't work out, then do something about that.

I'm just making suggestions.

That sounds really fucked up. I'm really sorry.

I hope, in a few years, you find yourself with someone who is not sitting on the couch watching TV while you are crying. He's out there.

"He informs me yesterday I need to leave HIS HOUSE. It was never about us, it was always about his star shining brighter than mine."

I know this feeling.  *sighs*  You're angry and resentful, and you have a right to be.  I say get out -- nothing you do while you're there, being miserable, is going to make things better.  And if he wants you, he'll come get you and actually make an effort.  If he doesn't, he won't.  Either way, you'll have your answer, even if it's the one you don't want.

I've learned this the hard way in the past year, so I can sympathize.  Good luck, whatever path you choose.  (((citygirl)))

I want to thank you ALL for these kind replies. They mean the world to me, more than you all will ever know.

Hugs and Kisses.  - E.

(((citygirl)))

I remember being in a similar place.  I was so angry.  I am usually pretty non-violent and I remember the look of utter shock on my ex's face when I tried to put my fist through his car window (he was in the car).

I remember feeling seething misery that ebbed to leave behind exhaustion and then rose back into seething misery again.  it gets better bit by bit.  I agree with SaD. in the whole get out and if it's workable at all he'll do his part.

my experience is that the chances of that are slim to none.  but they're none if you stay and the pain never gets a chance to recede and start dissipating.

I'm so sorry.  I'm so sorry you're hurting.

((City Girl)),

I am truly sorry.  How wonderful there is HERE to vent your pain, and get the loving support that arms of the mother(s) and sisters can give.  I've read your posts and felt the pain you expressed.  Like others have said, Saturn is a sharp knife, shearing away what needs to be pulled away.  Still, the hurt is yours and the anger ... yeh, the anger is real, too.

Come here as often as the pain peaks you to need comfort.  There are loving experiences here.  Be some where where you are safe and stay connected with people or at least, one person who will love you through this.

I have done this thing you are going through.  The breaking was sh-- and it lasted awhile.  No shame, need you attach to at this time City Girl.  The pain and anger that is real, I know shame might try to weasel in there ... come here, and let that feeling loose.

Much aloha xxoo

(((citygirl)))

Believe how wonderful your life is going to turn and your dreams manifest as this phase of your life ends and you find your power again....

sure, there will be pain and anger and purging.  as others have said, you found us to be with you through it...

big big hugs and high fives for  releasing you from a place of limitation and carrying you forward with some amazing life lessons.  (ironic huh?)

There are a couple of good books on Saturn. Liz Green A new look at an old devil. Is a classic. But kinda deep. But I like 12 faces of saturn : your guardian angel planet by Bil Tierney. He has a great sense of humor and a very simple yet profound and loving way about him.  I think both of them are great.

When my marriage broke apart, astrology saved my ass....

love,

chami

Sorry for your pain. I'd like to help you and hope my words will. I know how hard it can be, and when everything is falling appart, you just want to cry cause its so unfair, unjust...Anger is pain and if you show your anger its going to be harder with your man I supose, so crying seems the only solution to let the bad energy go out. Crying can be healing I know for having cried all my eyes could.

I would say go to your familli to have the support you need and let your worry and pain where they belong. They are not yours, they were created by all the racism and poor love your received, you did nothing wrong and can be proud of, really. Stand up for yourself and show you have dignity even if they'd like to tir you down.

Then think of a better, brighter future. You are young, beautyfull, smart, imagine the energy you will have when all the bad past is completely over. Like a rebirth. I supose they (famili, friends) will be happy to help you. Don't let dark thinking overhelm you, you can be a great help for people who merit it and somewhere a real lover is waiting to meet you, sure !

Also sorry for your pain. :(

((citygirl1980))

((citygirl1980))

Thank you to ALL OF YOU again for your kind words and inspiration. I feel grateful and overwhelmed by all of these beautiful vibes. Moments like these give me hope that this too shall pass.

Much LOVE all around to each and every one of you.

XOXO - E.

Citygirl, get a good lawyer. Make him leave his own home. Whichever comes first.

Sorry, that's the evil capricorn in me talking. What I meant to tell you is look at your legal options to kick his a*s.

{{citygirl}}   It sucks to hurt.

citygirl hang in there...it might suck as hell but it wont last...God Bless u.

Citygirl, I welled up when I read your post. 

I know you're feeling low. But start taking steps to get your power back. Focus on the practical - socking money away. Like persian_cat said - look into your legal options. Also surround yourself with loving friends - it's good that you came to this board, there are so many kind and thoughtful people here.

Feeling helpless and at the mercy of another is the absolute worst. Especially when you invested so much into creating a life with that person.

Where is your mother/family? How difficult would it be to FLEE this place as soon as possible... just pack a survival bag and just GO? Stay with someone who will show you support and understanding right now?

You can do it. 

((citygirl1980))

{{{{citygirl}}}}

I'm so sorry.  My breakup and divorce were quiet, but the marriage was five years of mostly hell.  I won't say I know how you're feeling, but I think I have an idea.  You have a community here pulling for you and sending good thoughts your way.

And a couple of us have shovels, just in case

And I have a jackhammer just in case you have been too embedded to be able to pull yourself out!

Cheer up. Been there. Done that.

When I started dropping legal lingo around my ex, he freaked out.

You girls can have the shovels.  I'll bring the double barrel.    *cackles out the door*

LOL. LOL. LOL.

Thank you all so very much, I've been reading all of your encouraging comments and I am so full of gratitude and hope. I truly love ALL OF YOU.

XOXO

@SaDiablo

The shovels are for after you use the shotgun.  Gotta bury the bodies, right?

As we say in my family:  friends help you move.  GOOD friends help you move bodies.

(((citygirl1980)))   I read you are taurus sun?....my mother is...and she stayed in a bad marriage about 20 years too long...maybe more....DON'T DO IT. Don't let someone abuse your trust,  loyalty and patience.   This guy has got to do a 180 or some other miracle.  In the meantime...work your plan.

good luck..,.you've got an army here behind you xoxo  

citygirl1980, this is one of the most intense Saturn Return stories I've ever read.

"The shovels are for after you use the shotgun.  Gotta bury the bodies, right?"

Well, of course!  But digging's for pleebs, I just want to do the flashy stuff.  *big, overblown Leo wink*  *ducks*

Ah HA!  Too good to get your hands dirty, I see *laughing*

It's OK, I have Capricorn.  I'm good at this!

Wow, you gotta be feelin the love here CityGirl. This is some down and dirty support!

(((chamirose))

I feel BLESSED!

wow I read your post and it so rang true to my own situation about 8 years ago when I went through my saturn return. I had been in a relationship for almost 13 years, it had always had its ups and downs, It was almost like a parental relationship I was only a couple of years younger than him but the imbalance of power was crazy. I had a difficult family situation and went from frying pan to fire basically. We were young and the relationship was a form of protection for two very messed up insecure jealous 20 somethings who only knew some very dysfunctional relationships.

I felt like I woke up at about 29, things were falling apart in my life at the time, a time when you really need those you love to support you but I had never felt more distant.So I went out and I'm not proud about how I went about ending the relationship but I'm glad I eventually had the guts to. We did try couples counselling but the love had gone it was more a case of helping us finally let go and move on

I lost a lot and had to totally rebuild my life but I did find real love after that. Perhaps this is fate telling you that you have not found the right path, perhaps you are meant to go on to pursue a career or find a new relationship, you may feel why did you have to waste time in this relationship, trust me without this experience you wouldn't now be ready to move on to the next stage in your life and find happiness.

I ask are you sure there is nothing left in this relationship and this is not just saturn return asking you to do some soul searching and work at shaking up your present relationship. OI guess only yo and your partner can answer that. Be great to see your chart to really see whats going on.

I hope you find your way to happiness. 

Oh, {{{{{{citygirl}}}}}}    (<----that's a sixer, BTW...top of the pile for cyberhugs)

I left 13 months ago after playing a similar hand - 14 years ago, I left my dream job in a dream (for me) city, my family, my friends, everything to follow mine because he wanted to "return to his roots".  His family was far more nuts than I could have imagined, and I was fucking miserable.  The only thing that kept me from pulling out in front of a milk truck speeding down the highway was my kids.

Please don't do what I did and stay out of fear.  The cost for me is enormous, even though I am out now and we are all happier as a result of it.  The cost to my children was more than it should have been, and had I been smart and spit in the eye of my fear and depression, they would be better off than they are today.

Sending you many warm, brave thoughts.  

So sorry to hear about your troubles. 

I got ground out back going to waste. Least I can do if you other girls are going to bring the shovel, jack-hammer & double barrel!

Take good care of yourself citygirl.  Hold your head up.  Find someplace else besides in front of him to let your pain out if you can, that's some power that I wouldn't let him have over me.  I would be the winds of least resistance in front of his power play.  The other girls have good advice.  Start socking away the cash, move some things to an office or safe-deposit box, get a bug-out bag ready if today's not the day to move on, then get thee hence to a decent lawyer if you decide it's over. 

Has he filed for divorce? 

Keep us posted on how you are doing, okay?  Some of us here are worryworts (who me?????) and need to know you are physically safe.

Got any girlfriends to spend a bit of evening time with that are nearby while you sort out the problem - if he's being physically abusive - call the cops, and get thyself to safety - but if things are calm in that front I don't know that I'd abandon the dwelling until I got some legal advice?  Can you tell us what state you live in?  What are the community property laws for married couples there?

God keep you safe & comforted while you sort this out.

DreamsAReality makes a really good point.

There is more on community property vs. equitable distribution states here: http://www.equalityinmarriage.org/wdget.html

It might help you in your planning. Consider deleting your browsing history after reading.

where is my shortgun? 

that's the little gemini with mars/pluto placements. 

User, that's a very helpful link, and not just for the legal aspects.  Lots of good info!  Thanks!