I've been feeling weird for a few weeks now. Tired all of the time, but sleep does not restore me even if I get up at 11 on weekends, sometimes even at 12. My feelings are either emptiness, like there is no emotion, or anger (which I don't really express because I've never been good at this). I feel aimless, there are no goals. I have been binge-eating (mostly crap like cheap bread and jelly, candy, cheese) and have gained like 5 pounds during this time, possibly more. I feel like crying a lot of the time and my usual hobbies do not seem fun any more. I don't even want to read or watch TV or chat with anyone. I don't feel motivated to do anything.

I don't like going to work any more, and this is a huge change for me. And it's a problem, since feeling resentful isn't exactly helping me succeed in my line of work. In my line of work, one needs to be alert and confident and feel good about what they're doing. I have a 6th house stellium and work means everyting to me, and lately it just feels stupid and unrewarding. I find myself disliking many of the people there, and my tasks, and I feel angry when somebody asks me to do something. Everyone and everything just ticks me off, and this isn't normal for me. I want to yell at people, or tell them to go away. I feel my burdain is too heavy, my work-load has almost doubled compared to last year but nobody seems to want to do much about it, except for saying "Hang in there." My pay has not increased for 4 years, not one cent, and it won't increase this year either.

I was feeling quite happy in November and December, I made lots of new friends and hanged out in a new crowd. Then Neptune hit me, I had a crush and for a while I was excited because it seemed like it's finally going to happen for me but it never got anywhere. This crowd does not seem so interesting any more. Everyone else seems to be moving on and doing something, while I am stuck in a rut. People are getting married and having babies and getting new jobs and making something out of their lives, people younger than me.

I want to change everything. I want to go away somewhere, start from scratch, get a new job, get a new life, just do all of the things I have never done so far. I want to be loved and cared for. I want to leave. Just you know, quit everything and hop on a plane headed as far away as possible. But I find myself unable to plan for it and actually do much to make this a reality.

Maybe I should try to work out some kind of a deal at work. I have some vacation days that I could use. Maybe I should just get away for the weekend or something. But I am afraid that it will only make things worse when I go back.   

I'm probably going to hate myself in the morning for posting this in the first place, because I hate to whine and rant and I hate it when people worry about me. You don't have to worry, I'm not gonna do anything stupid. I also feel a bit guilty for whining because many people here are going through much worse - grief, disease, sick loved ones... I just feel like I'm headed towards being depressed. And I should probably do something about it before it gets worse. I've had this happen to me a few times before, and I feel like it's going to happen again.

t Mars in Virgo is conjuncting my MC in Virgo and this aspect will get exact in a few weeks. t Saturn opposes my Sun and transits my 12th house (this has only just begun about a month ago, so it's a long road). Of course, today is somewhat heavy anyway, with Moon conjunct Saturn in my 12th. My progresed Moon will change signs in a month, entering Capricorn.

First (((SMG)))

Second - Is it possible you could be low on Vitamin D?

Entirely possible - I don't eat fish a lot, and it's winter and I live at a northern latitude. I do not exactly get exposed to sun. I don't take a Vitamin D supplement. Entirely possible, I would say.

The symptoms are similar and it's a cheap easy fix! :) One of my Libra friends is having to take pills for low Vitamin D.

Thank you Tam! Definitely worth a try, it couldn't hurt. I didn't really think of it. I'll stop by the farmacy tomorrow.

I want to change everything. I want to go away somewhere, start from scratch, get a new job, get a new life, just do all of the things I have never done so far. I want to be loved and cared for. I want to leave. Just you know, quit everything and hop on a plane headed as far away as possible. But I find myself unable to plan for it and actually do much to make this a reality.

(((SMG)))  I know you've been hearing hang in there, but hang in there.  Things will change, they always do.  I know you feel "stuck".

sounds really Uranian...it also sounds like you're already depressed.  Is there anywhere you can go to get help climbing out of this slump?

(((SMG)))

Maybe a SAD light and how about some exercise to release natural endorphins?  Nothing major maybe just a brisk walk everyday when the sun is at it's brightest, it will also help metabolize Vit D. 

@brizo - Yeah, I could get help in no time, and I know what I *should* do. I just don't feel like I want to bother. And yes, it feels very Uranian to me too.

@daisy - Thanks! Exercise does help most of the time. I've been doing Yoga weekly, and I do feel better on those days. I also do feel better on Saturdays and Sundays when it's sunny and I get to spend some time outside. 

(((SMG)))

I hate to be the debbie-downer here, but this definitely sounds like depression to me.  It's probably something that will resolve in time (situational, not clinical, depression), but I'd start looking for a professional to talk to so it doesn't get worse.

Just my $0.02.

(((SMG)))

If it's a sudden dip in the last few months then i'd think vitamin D as well.. and get checked out by the doctor. Astrologically I'd also look to where saturn in libra is for you.. as saturn just went retro so we are taking stock again. And mars is still retro while aries energy is trying to zoom. A whole lot of going slow while desiring to go fast. And repressed anger.

Since I've taken to meditation I've lost the winter blahs I once had. Something else to think on. Positive thinking leading to positive feeling or working on feeling positive no matter what. Like Nutsy's new JOY remedy. Giving the blahs to God/Spirit to work out while counteracting blahs with thinking JOY or in my case I started with thinking happy thoughts and thinking UPUPUP.. until UPUPUP was a direct link to feeling happy. I started with the feeling I get looking at loved ones. Eventually it evolved into a technique to feel good even when things aren't figured out or are kind of blah.

*smiles @Liz*  I like that advice!

PS:

Has anyone suggested thyroid?  Hypothyroidism (low thyroid) can cause a lot of these same symptoms.  Have you had a blood panel recently, SMG?

Yeah, I could get help in no time, and I know what I *should* do. I just don't feel like I want to bother.

Yup I agree with SaD: you're manifesting all the symptoms of depression. It's still quite mild but you need to recognise this and deal with it before it spirals

You've also got symptoms of vitamin deficiency and of SAD - I agree you should exercise, get a sun lamp if you can, then address your problems at work (no rise for 4/5 years??! that's crazy)... And also do everything you can to make your surroundings attractive and cheerful (maybe re-arrange the apartment?) and to plan ahead for some breaks or some good times in other ways. 

I sounds like you might need a holiday in the sun as well, if you can find the money. You sound very stuck in a routine, so try to find some new things to do and people to see (easier said than done I know).

Some of us are very affected by the seasons - I know I am - and it's not easy to gather up the energy to deal with it: I've had this up and down syndrome all my life too. Hoping you can get onto the up elevator soon!

yuck!

Sounds to me like Neptune cause the days are just sliding by, but you don't want to do anything about it. I recognise this cause it's me to a T. "DO SOMETHING"... "Nope... too hard... I'll think about it... tomorrow..."

& a case of severe Winteritis. Grey day after grey day... it makes you feel like you're in a coma. So, the vitamin D is definitely a start & the light lamp for Sad Syndrome:

http://boards.elsaelsa.com/topic/sad-light

Ummm & also, as @daisy said "brisk" exercise! Yoga is great, but get some action in there as well... ups the endorphins.... boosts circulation/ metabolism... burns calories. Yoga is very Neptune, but I think you need a bit of an action Barbie shake up too ;)

Any chance you can update your Resume & start sending a couple out?

If all this fails, then I'm with @SaD...

I'm really sorry you feel so blah... I hope you can find something to look forward to soon. look after yourself.

((x))

& yeah... you'll probablly regret posting tomorrow  But we love you anyway!

SMG "I just feel like I'm headed towards being depressed." Headed toward depression??ScorpioMoonGirl, you're already there.

I'm with SaD and BP, your description fits every symptom of depression. Please go see a professional and find out if you need medication and/or therapy. It can make a huge difference.

And please don't worry, no one's taking your post as "whining" or "complaining."

Indeed there might be a physical cause so yes, checks for thyroid, CFS/ME, iron deficiancy, and anything else which might cause extreme loss of energy, should be looked into first :)

I think it's really positive and admirable that you aired all this here, btw

((((SMG))))

Taurus Sun/Scorpio Moon myself I have distintcly noticed that sleep has lost much of it's restorative effect recently. Also my projects at work seem to be useless and are only "busy work", finding it difficult not to have angry flashes at my co-workers. So a couple weeks vacation seemed in order. Two weeks of sunshine in the Southern Hemisphere don't seemed to have helped much. I have to think there is more to this than winter doldrums. Mars retrograde and Saturn nearly stationary?

Thanks everyone! I'll get back to you later today, gotta hurry to work now. 

I havent read all the posts so if someone says this already sorry...

Virgo naturally rules the 6th and it's rx... Health, daily routine, service to others..

Not to mention Saturn preparing to enter scorp!

I'd second the supplements and you might try finding a way to be of service to others on a daily basis :)

Hold tight honey you WILL make it through. Your strength has come through many times to me on the boards now take a deep breath and any step forward and out of the Scorpio tendency to hide.

(((SMG)))

Sounds like a depressive episode. I have these often. ((SMG)) <3

Try to exercise a little, it will make you feel better until it passes. Or if you really need a change, don't be afraid to make some changes!

Also Vitamin D3 helps me.

It does sound like depression. Like others have mentioned it might be worth seeing if it is seasonal depression. I started feeling like that a few weeks ago, so I bought myself a Seasonal Affective Disorder lamp which I have been using for a couple of hours every day while I am on my computer..  and upping my dose of Vitamin D. I also got some Bach Flower Rememdies. I am feeling a lot better.

If none of those things work then definitely get it checked out please. I'm glad that you shared how you are feeling we don't think you are whining.

Thanks everyone again. I can just feel your genuine concern and it helps a bit to be cared about here. I got myself some vitamin D3 pills and already had 2 because one of them only contains around 400 IU's. Of course this isn't a miracle cure that will work right away but it might definitely be a part of the problem. I remember last year when I was trying to keep my weight down I inserted all that I ate to this online site and I mostly had an intake of about 10% of Vitamin D RDA, unless I had salmon that day (which I had very rarely). And since it's now winter, I doubt I have a normal level. I work 9-5 every day and get limited sun exposure.

I'll try to reply to you individually now.

@SaD - You weren't being the debbie-downer. I suspected as much, I guess I wanted to run it by someone who'd be able to tell what they think. Oh, and the last blood panel was I think about 1.5 years ago, maybe a bit less. The thyroid levels were normal then, she did look at them specifically, i remember as much. I should probably book an appointment with my GP and have one.

@Liz - It's been about 3, maybe 4 weeks. And Saturn is in my 12th, opposing my 0 Taurus Sun. What medication did you take, if you want to share? And well, yeah, thinking upupup thoughts probably works well. I just feel like I have nothing to be upupup about. I should try to work on finding something.

@BP - Sigh, you're so right about everything. And I am influenced by the weather a lot, I've noticed it more with each passing year. SAD is very likely. I remember the first time I had something like this, it was also in February, in 1997.

@McKenna - How'd I miss that thread! Thank you! LOL at "a bit of an action Barbie shake up!" That's exactly what my therapist always said, when I was going to her after the break-up from the ex. "Yeah, Yoga is great but you should go and try something feisty, like Body Combat." As for work, it is crazy and I am thinking of moving and starting fresh somewhere else but it just seems to be so far away. I can't really quit before June because I'd be leaving them pretty stranded. And June seems like it's decades away when every day is hard  

 to you too Miss McK!

(((((SMG))))))

I agree that depression could be at play here, also anhedonia. My apologies for the cheapo wikilink:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anhedonia

I have a history with both. I feel for you.

Hey, SMG...

Wanted to say that I am really endebted to you for posting yesterday. For a few days things have been super tense at home, w TAB telling me I've not been myself and am being impossible, etc.  I've also been MIA from posting here and MIA in several other areas of my life to be honest...

In an unrelated moment, I was reading your post and said to TAB, "Poor SMG. That's awful. I know just how she feels..."  "What's going on w SMG?", he asked. So, I started to read aloud and about halfway through I burst into tears. TAB said, "Wow. And you know just how she feels? Is that how you've been feeling, C?"

Yes. Yes it is. But I hadn't really noticed or thought about it until you posted. It had snuck up on me (all silent and subtle sneaky-like) and I'd been attributing much of my irritation and malaise to other external factors. 

I'm sorry you've been feeling so poorly, SMG...I hope that some of these very good suggestions and self-awareness will help us both turn the corner and get to feeling better--more like ourselves very soon.  

...and *Thank You* for having the moxie to put it all out there. I didn't know, but I really needed that 'permission' to get unstuck myself.

@Josephine - Thanks. You know, the funny thing is that I guess I knew it, I just didn't want to believe it. But I have to since I felt like crying again today at work and it's not even funny any more.

Thanks ntm and thanks Mina  

@QN - Oh hey, welcome my astro twin! Hmmm, interesting, you seem to be going through the exact same problems. What's your rising sign?

@learningtoground - I am of service to others every single day, that's what I do for a living. Lately it just doesn't feel rewarding at all and you can't be of service if you're feeling angry. At least the service isn't terribly good. Thank you for what you said about my strenght... it means a lot to me and I had no idea I come across like that! Wow...

@egi - Thanks! Will try to get out more and move a bit.

@GW - Thanks! I have been wanting a lamp for a few years. Maybe it's time to actually get one instead of wanting one. Darn that they're so expensive though! 

@CP - Wow!  

I'm sorry you know just how I feel, because it's not pleasant at all, but I am glad you got some clarity into your situation and TAB got some clarity into it too. And it snuck up on me too. Some days have not been so absolutely hellish, so I kinda missed that there was a pattern, but yesterday it became evident to me. You're welcome, I am glad something good came out of this post. I do hope you'll feel better soon too and hugs to you!

@Kash - Yeah, I know about anhedonia, and that's what it feels like. It's highly ironic because I know a lot theoretically about depression and SAD but when it comes to actually taking care of myself and admitting I have a problem, well, that part is not so easy. And I don't like admitting I need help. I freaking hate admitting I need help.

(((SMG)))

I dunno, I'd hesitate to diagnose an internet board poster with depression.

Listen, you're a water moon. It's February. There's no valentine and there's no *intensity* to lock onto and you're not connecting deeply with anyone which is how we get our energy. I know what this feels like and it feels like suck -- but I have so many mood swings with so many changes of a hair's-breadth in between that i stopped calling whatever I had depression a long time ago.

I think getting away for a weekend would be a good idea. If you can swing it, go somewhere and get near water -- for two reasons. First of all that;'s just good for water people. And second of all -- you're not trapped, you know. You can change whatever you want. You can leave. Turn whatever restlessness or dissatisfcation you've got into action -- *any* action so it's not stuck inside you. Its a little trick people like to call, " getting out of your head."

Get well soon, SMG

I'm amazed at the therapy and medication answers. Personally I'd ride this out a bit to gather some more evidence before heading to a shrink. These feelings come and go (but make sure you keep an eye on it). Stay strong SMG

I'd agree that the situation doesn't merit therapy or medication. I think it's partly seasonal, and partly situational (ie you need to change or at least tweak a few things in your life)

I usually feel like death by this time of year: a total reclusive depressive couch potoato. It hasn't happened this year partly due the good weather we had almost non-stop til recently - but mostly I put it down to the dog who FORCED me to take a vigorous walk at least once and usually twice every day. It got me out in the fresh air and sunshine, got me connecting with (often new) people, and got my body invigorated, lungs and heart working, circulation buzzing etc

I just hope I can keeep it up now he's gone...

((((((smg))))))

(((Smg))) I wrote about Meditation, not medication.

Under late saturn in libra and into saturn in scorpio opp your sun.. a spiritual or shamanic ritual may be something to consider. Or even seeing a therapist? My cousin is taurus with saturn in scorp natally and she does a spiritual cleansing at the end of the day. She feels the energy of the scorp physically.. ei it will back up on her and lead to a deep depression she feels in her limbs. She also happens to be studying for a psych phd and deals with crazy people. If she didn't do this she'd be bringing home the energy to her fiance. For you it won't be a life sentence but more a temporary transit.

"And I don't like admitting I need help. I freaking hate admitting I need help."

I hear ya, SMG.  I hate it, too.  If I have to ask for help it's like admitting that I actually do need other people and that's a big blow to my tough-gal, fiercely independant routine.  (Not that that's your problem, just sympathizing.  *smiles*)  Sometimes it's gotta be done, though.  *hugs*

Whatever it is, I hope you can kick it to the curb soon enough.  Feeling like you do right now is awful and it seems like it's never going to change (which makes it even harder to go through, ime), but once you're through the worst of it things are that much shinier.

The reasoning for the therapy and medication comments is, the deeper you get into depression, the more your brain chemistry changes.  That's why severely depressed people can no longer help themselves...they're unable.

(((smg)))  hey girl, so many of us have been there, so many.  There are many recent threads about breakdowns etc...

No judgement here babe, now or ever.  I just want you to be okay and feel better, okay?   I've got a ferocious Aries moon, so I hear you on the asking for help   :)

(((SMG)))

Yeah, it sounds like definite depression to me, too.  It could be seasonal, it could be situational, but I would second the advice about some supplemetal Vit. D and perhaps even some supplemental iodine as well (easiest form to find are kelp tablets) if it's possible it's thyroid related because none of that can really hurt.

IIRC, I think we're born the same year and have somewhat similar charts at least from an outer planet perspective.  I've been having a rough go of it myself and can relate to much of what you're saying.  I've been experiencing the planetary squeeze pretty hard - Mars statoned Rx in a very tight square to my Neptune and my sleep's been all jacked up, Uranus and Jupiter have been hitting some sensitive points in my chart and making me restless and itchy....I dunno.  All I can say is "Hang in there" & that you're not alone! 

@eva - Thanks, I hear ya! It's definitely a part of the problem, not having someone to lock onto. Today I wanted to smack every person who wished me Happy Valentine's. What's so happy about it?

I don't think anybody was trying to diagnose me though and tell me I need to go to a shrink right now and get pills, no matter what. I will not take any medication lightly, I'm one of those people who hates to even take an Ibuprofen. I am very cautious with anything I put into my body. I will definitely not make a decision like this lightly.

I just feel that I need to keep an eye on my situation because if it gets any worse, I might just have to resort to something. I'll exhaust all other options first. I'm taking the Vit D, trying to get away and relax and we'll see where it goes.

I mentioned the D-word myself first, and I have my reasons to do that. I do know about depression, the symptoms, treatment, brain chemistry, trust me, I do. I didn't just say it because I am feeling blue for one day.

Thanks for the suggestions everyone. Getting out and moving will help. And thanks for the encouragements and the "I hear ya" comments. I know I am not alone! 

@Alethea - 1981?

Anyway, I talked to my boss today about some of it. I didn't outline it all but I said enough to make her realize I'm not fine. She was sympathetic. Sometimes I feel like she won't be, but she was.

I can take next Thursday off which leaves me with 4 consecutive free days next week. Hopefully that will help a bit too.