Modern Love:

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/25/fashion/sometimes-its-not-you-or-the-math-modern-love.html

Admitting that you wanted a husband — much less that you were distraught you didn’t have one — seemed like a betrayal of feminism. We were supposed to be better than this. (Not that any actual feminists said it was so awful to want a relationship. The e-mails we received from NOW and Planned Parenthood focused on reproductive rights and equal pay, not dating and marriage.)

Eh... I don't necessarily think this. It's more like, you don't have power over the situation. You can't control it, so it kind of makes it feel worse when you are constantly focusing on that lack of man and talking about it to everyone. That's my theory, anyway.

Professing a need for love could also be taken as evidence that you weren’t ready for it.

Like single women everywhere, I had bought into the idea that the problem must be me, that there was some essential flaw — arrogance, low self-esteem, fear of commitment — that needed to be fixed. I needed to be fixed.

And, of course, I started examining my issues. Was my failure a result of my latent commitment-phobia (cleverly masked as really wanting commitment), as one helmet-haired expert implied? Did I feel inherently unworthy and broadcast that low self-assessment to every man I met? (Another gentle suggestion.) Did my failure to “love myself” mean I was unable to love another?

Certainly true. The myth for single women is that you have to be Deserving Enough, Independent Enough, Perfect Enough, and Happy Enough Alone in order to get a man. You have to be utterly happy without a man in order to get one. Which is just irritating when you think of all the people you know who aren't perfect and still caught a man for life at the age of 20, isn't it. Or all of the jerky guys that can catch a woman by blinking at her or something. Is it really a question of winning an award for finally being Enough and Fixed?

Then she makes the point:

Did we find love because we grew up, got real and worked through our issues? No. We just found the right guys. We found men who love us even though we’re still cranky and neurotic, haven’t got our careers together, and sometimes talk too loudly, drink too much and swear at the television news. We have gray hairs and unfashionable clothes and bad attitudes. They love us, anyway.

What’s wrong with me? Plenty. But that was never the point.

Good point.

Yup, having a relationship is a "need" for my 7th house Moon. Seriously, I just have 1000x more strength within one than without.

I'm still confused. Is it alright to want a relationship (As long as I am careful about choosing who is it and not just entering a partnership to have one)? Is seems as though that's not something a woman should admit, as the article says. That makes me sound desperate, I guess, but it's just being honest. I don't want to meet just anyone though which makes it worse. I want someone that is good enough and I can't lie about my feelings so I can't just go out and date anyone.

These two years without a boyfriend have been hard. So damn hard.

@jenfullmoon ..nice article thanks for sharing.  You know I really think it's luck of the draw - seriously.  I mean some people just have bad luck, I'm all for self improvement but sometimes it's sad to see how people beat themselves up over this.

My experience has been around timing - as they say 'it's everything', some people also have a hell of an easier life than others it's all so random. 

this one makes me snort:  "You have to be utterly happy without a man in order to get one."  It's absolutely drilled into our heads that this is the case. BUT, in my experience if you do get to this place, meet a guy that you like...well it turns out that all that independence you cultivated, and the happiness you managed to find being alone makes him feel less needed or valued =P

And rightfully so!

I do feel like there is something wrong with me.  I just don't get these games we're supposed to play.  I am a very supportive, nice and fun person.  I go beyond the call the play fair and be honest.  I don't need a man, but I do truly and deeply want one.  As eqyablu points out, I am a better person and in a better place when coupled - I need it, not to survive, but to be my best.

Is that so wrong?  And why do we even question whether it's "right"?  We're all just people and we all need and want slightly different twists on the usual things.  So what? 

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Lisa

this one makes me snort:  "You have to be utterly happy without a man in order to get one."  It's absolutely drilled into our heads that this is the case.

Seriously!

I can be happy on my own, but why is it so bad to want to be happy with someone too? haha

Well, for me -- I have too much of a tendency to disappear into the other person's shadow so it always seemed pretty clear that there was something wrong with me -- I wasn't independent enough.

I just got done with a fourteen year relationship with someone who insisted i was too independent and would never make a good wife. what would happen was -- I needed stuff. Sex, affection, regard, validation, support, etc. but I wouldn't get it. And if I tried to go out and get it myself a massive power struggle would ensue.

I don't know, you guys. I don't see the point of marriage if all you're going to do is sit in your house, protect your assets and fight all day.

"I don't know, you guys. I don't see the point of marriage if all you're going to do is sit in your house, protect your assets and fight all day."

WORD @eva

I know so many married couples like this.  That is absolutely not what I'm after, but perhaps this is indeed part of the problem: not going along with the script?

I just don't understand.  I really don't.

"Modern Love"

I don't even think that exists. Love is love. Love is timeless.

yes its my fault, I was an imbecile hitting on the wrong type of women for years, found out from a psychological book combined with some biological things

now I got a full profile

surprise, surprise, they want the same thing as I do, just they date in a different manner and dont look like postop Megan Fox

thank you Saturn, why the hell didnt you wake me up 5 years ago

  "You have to be utterly happy without a man in order to get one."  It's absolutely drilled into our heads that this is the case. BUT, in my experience if you do get to this place, meet a guy that you like...well it turns out that all that independence you cultivated, and the happiness you managed to find being alone makes him feel less needed or valued"

WORD ! In ten years I've gone from my life revolving around a man, to becoming so independent that a the thought of a relationship, feels like an intrusion on my life. I've found my stride, and things are better than they were when I was married. They just are.

I'm really over this: 1) 'Singlehood' being synonymous with 'fault', and 2) The shit being thrown at women for 'not knowing what they want', but it's perfectly fine for men to be perpetual adolescents; deserving of our unflagging support. I think it's pretty simple : Women want to be able to stand on their own, and pair up with someone sweet and mature who won't harsh their groove.

Hmmm... Read the article, but yes, we should just grow up and be our real selves. Because thats what make us, us.

...What’s wrong with me? Plenty. But that was never the point.

Perfect.

I chose to be single. Why? Because I can't stand being loved. Why? Because I'm not comfortable with/don't love myself (enough). I *always* feel like a fucking burden. But that's my story. I went with my comfort zone - earning money, having a career.

Being with someone who loves you is excruciating when you don't love yourself. That's what I learned when I found (yes I did) my soul mate.

i read this article the other day and while i agree with much of it i was kinda confused by the ending. is she saying that it just took some time for the right man to find her? is she saying that she didn't have to change anything about herself? but that's only how it looks in hindsight, now that she's in a relationship. could she have come to this conclusion if she was still single?

saturn transiting my 11th house makes me link my personal problems with what's going on in the collective. fact is, i'm single, but i can support myself. while i want a man to enrich my life, i don't need a man to stave off hunger. also the wrong man would do more harm than no man. so i don't think i need to change myself so much as i need to change my expectations - tailor them to the relationship that would truly enrich me, even if it means going against what's socially acceptable.

Yep , it's "mostly" my fault.  MatchCom says I'm "Very Picky Very Selective". I'll blame my Scorpio stellium in 2nd 3rd houses.... but mostly my Sun in 2nd (I call that the "It's all about me me me" house). Admittedly , I want her to look great both in make-up and without it.... preferably lightly (we aren't putting mortar on bricks).

dorchid, she's saying she bought into the whole "something is wrong with me and that's why I can't find love, so I have to fix myself before I can get a man" thing. Turns out she just had to get lucky, rather than redo her entire personality. If you get lucky, the right dude won't require you to change who you are in order to catch him. You may be broken, but optimally the dude will be compatible with your broken-ness. 

"I'm still confused. Is it alright to want a relationship (As long as I am careful about choosing who is it and not just entering a partnership to have one)? Is seems as though that's not something a woman should admit, as the article says."

Hm. Not sure? Depends on the person, I guess. I think I turn into a whining wanker every time I say I WANT A MAYUN, so I don't think it helps me any to be honest about it personally. It might benefit some people to be honest about that. In my case, I kind of doubt it. I don't say it much in real life, then it causes way too much trouble with people. It's also focusing on what's not there rather than what is-- I'm not sure if that's beneficial either to focus on the black hole.

Fascinating article! I do actually think I agree, but then wouldn't it kinda follow that love is a just lottery? Some people win the jackpot, and others only pay for the tickets, without ever getting a dime.

If it were just about your need to be fixed, then you have a chance to do something about it; you can try to work on your flaws. If it's just up to finding the right person who'll love you despite the flaws, then it's about luck only. And I've never been particularly lucky with draws and lotteries. It then must logically follow that you can't change your fate. I guess that's why many people try to fix themselves.

*Le sigh*

Yep, it's my fault.  My standards are far too high...problem is, so are those of the few that I might find interesting. 

I like that last excerpt. I don't think it's my fault I'm single per se, I guess I'm just still waiting to find that person that can stand me.

"You have to be utterly happy without a man in order to get one."

This is nonsense and anyone who studies charts must know that! Some people need to partner and feel somehow incomplete unless they are partnered; others are almost rabidly independent! And this shows in their chart, mostly

It should maybe read: "You have to be utterly happy without a man in order to get and keep an Aqua or an Aries." ;)

I hate prejudice against singles. The assumption that something is "wrong" with anyone just because they are single frustrates me. None of us is perfect and we may go about the mating and dating game the wrong way sometimes, but that doesn't mean we're not all lovable by SOMEONE out there!

A few days ago someone found out I'm getting married, and I am over 30 so they said to me, "Finally!" in this very relieved voice. It sounded like "so nothing is wrong with you after all!" or maybe, "Thank god, you were almost doomed!" Pissed me off. I would rather be happy and alone, than in a relationship just to have society's approval! Grr!

Anyway, I had a few things to learn when it came to attracting a man, but as far as who I am/what I am, that is not very changeable - we are who we are.

I'll weigh in, as one of those 20 year olds who got married...

It's not your "fault" you're single, necessarily. There are lots of factors -- your job is all a gender you're not attracted to, you don't get out much, you honest to goodness have not met the right guy yet, etc. 

But the part I think IS people's "fault," and I hate that word here, is that women seem averse to being in a real relationship. So do men. But the nice guys in my family, I am watching them and realizing that they're kind of right: women don't want the right guy. They don't want a nice guy, they want some fireworks kind of bullshit. I mean sure, chemistry counts. Feeling that connection matters. But it doesn't have to be FAAAAABULOUS. As my brother in law said bitterly the other night, "I hate this word 'settle.' It's not settling. Sometimes you gotta get over yourself and realize you're not so awesome either and accept a normal guy!" And I think he's actually right. Again, not the "right" thing to say, we're supposed to fall for that princess in a fairy tale shit, but I am CONVINCED -- convinced! -- that that myth is at the root of far too many failed or unstarted marriages. 

When I look at single people, sometimes I wonder what they're trying to do. They are often very shiny, very fashionable and looks-conscious. And it must take a lot of time. Clearly not ALL single people are like this, but as I look around to help out the brother in law, I'm thinking seriously -- where ARE the women who want a serious relationship? Who won't freak if he shows interest in her? Who has a BRAIN? Who isn't totally caught up in waiting for the man to shower her with adoration while she merely absorbs and gives nothing back? 

I'm making generalizations, OBVIOUSLY. I know I myself fell into some of these dumb patterns as a married person, even. That whole "I'm a girl, so I can be a douche and the man always has to exercise self control and be accomplished and awesome" crap. Also, this whole notion that marriage "stops" the progress of one's life baffles me. Like in college -- this couple would be engaged for like 4 years! They wanted to WAIT til they graduated. WHY??? What the hell changes? Oh that's right -- nothing. Except that you'll save tons of cash sharing a living space and you're already wanting to marry each other, so why not start today? People are so squeamish about dealing with the mundane and admitting they NEED other people. Who DOESN'T need other people?? I don't get why that makes anyone weaker than another. I think it only lends itself to increasing people's sense of sadness, for the most part...

WORD! Treehugginmama.

Well, I will say this - in every relationship anyone has ever had, the common denominator is them.

So, yeah. I think it's partially "your" fault if you're not married/in a happy relationship and want to be.

That said, you shouldn't settle, either.

Yes, my singledom which lasted the better part of 15 years was 100% my fault.

"Did we find love because we grew up, got real and worked through our issues? No. We just found the right guys....We have gray hairs and unfashionable clothes and bad attitudes. They love us, anyway."

Yes, this sounds about right to me. The women that I know that are partnered still have their fears, and issues, and "stuff" they just have someone to share it with who loves them as a whole human individual.

*dry Juno in Capy voice* Apparently, my looks alone should be able to secure me a mate, so.....there must be something wrong with me. Ahh, but we're forgetting two very important parts that make me who I am: my mind, and my soul, and both of those parts have a need to be loved deeply too. Hence, my single status I guess. Someone must have had quite the sense of humor when I decided to come back down to earth for another lifetime. "Hey, let's give her a gorgeous body complete with pretty skin and hair, the IQ of a mad scientific genius, and an old soul. Ha! this is going to be great! I need popcorn!"

Haha, very funny. But truthfully? I find it funny too. As I also have the patience of a buddhist monk that's spent the last few lifetimes living on a moutain top alone with a couple of cats. ; ) I may not have a partner, but I've still got my sense of humor intact.

But I need a soul bond, I need something deeper than just a pretty face, and a nice line. I need someone that understands me, and just....let's me be me on a day to day basis. I'm not that bad, I'm just drawn this way, really. Unconditional love, and unshakable loyalty come easy to me. So do dreams, and nice cooking, and vulnerable soft doe eyed moments, and a wickedly unashamed adult sense of humor. ; )

I also look at myself with eyes wide open in realizing that wanting a partner, not a father to a child might also deter many men in my age range. I'm not the white picket fence type. 7th house Uranus op Sun/Moon. I want love, and friendship, and a monogamous devoted partnership. Marriage and kids are either an option, or a non-negotiable no for me, and I don't mind that.

But I'm an anomaly, and I accept that. I just need to find another one like me, and we'll be good.

@Glenn--hmm, but a brickhouse might be okay, right?

Recently, I found myself in one of those make-up type conversations with a young woman, and my response was decidedly anti-foundation ect; "hey, when they start making make-up that feels and weighs what air does, I'll wear some. Until then, well...you know my skin is beautiful by itself sooo...why mess it up? Black smudged eyeliner and lipgloss are plenty." Oooh, death glare extraordinaire. hehe. Tres triste, non? I ran away after that comment thinking, "my work here is done, onwards."

@Nutsy--ha! the one's with high standards would like someone who also knows what they want. You would be their equal. The wise Mina has spoken, I can't it back now.

But thank you for posting this article jenfullmoon! It made a lot of sense, and I also felt better knowing I'm neither alone, nor a bad person. : )

This clip from "The Long Hot Summer," always sums it up for me nicely. It's really long, but Clara's speech is at around 9:45. I love that film.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-6WchjnYEU

"You may be broken, but optimally the dude will be compatible with your broken-ness."

This.
On an old thread on a different topic, someone once said, "Your level of fuck-up-edness needs to match my level of fuck-up-edness."  I really do think that's what it all boils down to.  :)

And, really, who's to say whether "I neeeeeeed a man!" or "I need no one but myself!" is the "proper" attitude for a woman to have.  Isn't that up to the individual woman?  How about that?  Let's all agree that whichever a woman chooses is the right choice for her and stop trying to control people with party agendas.  ;)

like

It's another responsibility I'm not ready to persue at this time.  I'm the caregiver type and right now, I can't keep up with my own side o' life.  Maybe one day the cosmos will toss one my way!

SaDiablo said:  "Let's all agree that whichever a woman chooses is the right choice for her and stop trying to control people with party agendas.  ;)"

Abaloobee! Any one person can go be another or the sake of being in a relationship.  I don't exhaust myself with looking good 24/7 and revel in my singledom. Plain and simple...as we grow wiser, what you look for in being "partnered" changes.  I was married too young then divorced early on, was then in a ten year relationship with my ex-boyfriend and we grew apart. It was apparent at the time of the break up that going forward, I need someone who wants to grow continually and discover love combined with spirituality.

We all have different shapes and sizes.  Just depends on the fit I suppose. 

@BP You're right about dating Aqua or Aries. Dated an Aries a couple of years ago. It IS like being alone! :D Libra nightmare!!

I choose to be single.  I like it that way.  I get more offers for sex that way. ;)

As I also have the patience of a buddhist monk that's spent the last few lifetimes living on a moutain top alone with a couple of cats...

Mina, since you brought up the image:

Awww, that's so cute, thanks for sharing that picture BP. And the person that said I reminded her of a reincarnated buddhist monk that used to sit on top of a mountain side with a couple of cats was...? a Capricorn Moon girl friend of mine.

*dry voice* Apparently, she admired my will power for whatever I did, or didn't do ; ), to earn such a compliment.

It's a choice, yes?

I don't think it's my fault or a fault thing in general.

So far no one wants me, but maybee one day.

I think to an extent it is a choice. If all I'm surrounded by are men that I cannot be with, then I choose to stay single, and am happier for it. But a man needs to make a choice to want me too, it goes both ways, as there are two people in my equation, not just me. : )