So I read the rules of the road and there really aren't any.  Doesn't say that what we post has to be astrologically based.  But the guy I'm writing about has 5 planets in Libra so there's your astrology.

If this is inappropriate, I know Elsa will take it down right away.

 The post about Elsa's internet troll brought this to mind.   It's embarrassing to me b/c I always thought I had some level of sophistication in my ability to read  people.  And as Elsa said, once you figure out the guy's game, then its game over.  So the game is over, but what do you do all those of feelings about  being on the receiving end of someone who has perpetrated a fraud and persists in some sick behavior and its really personal.

In a nut shell, I was wooed and won by a Hologram.  And not only did he build me a castle in the air, but almost succeeded in moving me into the castle  until he realized I was getting closer to seeing who he was.    It was a total misrepresentation.  

It took me about 4 months after we broke up to realize who he actually was.  I thought I had lost this great guy.  During the time I was with him, he just portrayed him self as this simple country guy, the poster child for morality,  monogamy, and romantic love.

I  never contacted him after the breakup but about 6 weeks later when I was starting to feel better,  he started  to fuck with me.  He had kept my clothing, and  he would write and tell me he was still in love with me- talk about reconciliation, etc.  And whenever he succeeded in getting my attn,  he smack me down.

A couple of months ago, my friend  saw him on one of the dating sites.   Big fake profile about how successful he is.  By now, he is a 'specimen' to me and  I didn''t feel any love anymore there but I was fascinated by figuring out what this was about.   And to my horror I find out that this guy has this trip where he writes to women, LOTS of women, and essentially, b/comes whomever they want him to be.   

If they are a gourmet cook, he tells them  "there is nothing more romanticthan being in the kitchen with your partner" (even though we barelyowned utensils and he drove through Jack in the box every night on theway home).   If they were religious, he'd write my very own mama lead me to the lord.  If there as a dog in the picture, he raised that breed of dog.   I would say the only thing they all had in common was they all had a pet, they were all outdoorsy and most rode a horse-- maybe that s a Colorado thing.

Nothing was sacred in his pursuit.  Even words and tiny phrases that  I said to him in  loving  conversations we had alone in our own bedroom were used to show what a sensitive guy he was in order to 'win' the confidence of these other women.

 Some are mba's. Some are widows,  lady ranchers, etc.  One drove a truck and wrote to him from a public library. They range from 40 - 62 and none of them are real beauties.  The only thing they seem to have in common is big boobs -- which made me feel awful.   Why did he try to live with me?- I was wearing a purple skirt (training bra) 

 He does things like take them to  lunch or a nature walk.   So far, everyone has dumped him after a few times.  They all see  some kind of 'red flag'which i obviously missed or worse ignored.  

 I of course, had something very different with him- not a nature walk - something much dark & twisty & intense.  These relationships  are like boy-scout outings.  To them he's comes across like the white knight.

He  still haunts me, texts me  as recently as  last night even though I haven't responded in a couple of months.   Never more than a few days where I don't get some bullshit contact about our love-- I don't know where he gets the time while keeping these other plates in the air.

So I know the game and the game is over.  I'm just having a hard time reconciling that I was caught in the game.   When we had that thread about how long it could take b/4 you figured someone out, most people said there was no way someone could get over on them for too long.  Up until the point that I discovered all this, I thought I was pretty sharp.   I fell for the entire 'be a good partner' charade and I bent over backwards to do so.  He was great to me while I was with him.   But all of this was hidden.   

 I can only imagine how that poor woman who found out she was married to the BTK killer felt.   

Every time I snap to the fact that while I was thinking someone really loved me, they were actually defiling me and playing with me, it upsets me. I just can't seem to find a door out of disgust  and I'm  hoping that someone will have an experience that will help me put this in perspective.   

I've said way too much but I'm sending it anyway.   

MS 

 I had a similar experience, before I was with my current partner. But it was not online.

I hope I am not wrong in my feeling that you are looking for a way out of disgust...of your being taken in? Is this a fair guess?

I never really overcame my disgust...of myself.

I know that I *must* have mentioned that it does not take me long to cop to people living a lie. Part of that was hindsight: back then, with Mr Slick, outwardly I was telling people I was shocked but inwardly I was cursing myself because I KNEW I ignored signs. For example I cashed cheques for him...even though I knew he was receiving welfare and working under a name that was spelled slightly different from his real one.

I remember the bank teller saying you should never really cash cheques for someone...there is no real reason a grown man cannot have his own bank account. But I wanted this person to be whatever I wanted him to be. (I have Venus in Aries trine Neptune in Sag, talk about delusion).

To be honest, I left town. For almost 4 years. It ate me up until I finally forced myself to accept that it was part of my growth path as a human...I wanted something bad enough to convince myself I could believe whatever inconsistancy.

The kicker was when I found  that the girlfriend he claimed had moved out had in fact NEVER LEFT. One day he just dropped me like I was completely worthless.

I took that as my cue that where my major mistake was thinking even for a second that anyone other than me could measure my worth.

This is all I can say...I advocate holidays. Breaks. Soujourns. Sabbaticals. Whatever you need to call it. Time out to absorb the experience and then flush it the fuck OUT.

narcissism.  it is the area of my expertise.  

my parents are highly narcissistic.  I believe that is why I draw narcissists.  obvs.  I'm not without N traits myself but I'm more of an enabler (recovering) because of it.  if I could boil down how to spot one it would be this:  lack of compassion for others.  

they have plenty of compassion for themselves and often know when it's appropriate to fake it, but if you've got decent radar, you can tell.

what it takes after that is the confidence to drop them cold, rather than sublimate the recognition.  trust yourself. 

In essence here, you're asking us a very old question; What is the cure for a broken heart? It doesn't really matter what HE did or didnt do or what mistakes you think you made and are beating yourself up over. Your heart still hurts. Wrap it up in some kind of spiritual guaze like time and country music.

MzScarlett,

My heart goes out to you. The one I got caught by also had a lot of Libra planets along with the North Node conjunct Pluto in Libra. 

After a tremendous amount of thought concerning this fiasco I lived through, I can say I am now looking at myself and my own planetary setup. With Pisces on the Desc, I realize I have a propensity to want to believe in the romantic fairytale. I am most definitely not implying that that is your case, so hope you don't think I am saying this is the deal with you :)

I am into judging myself at this time. I have a very suspicious nature.. trust is a biggie with me, so how was it I drew this man or was attracted in the 1st place. I have kind of gotten to this place now after beating the hell out of myself and feeling more shame than I can express in words.

#1. I was willing to love too soon.

#2. I was willing to trust too soon. (I was trying to follow a course of not allowing past relationship crap to interfere with the Libra.)

#3. And this is a biggie. I had bought into a thought form that I was actually going to meet a significant other on the net.

I wanted that route to create a bond of knowing that person very well before meeting in person. I wanted a long while before the physical came into the equation. 

Now not to be cynical, I am now in the mind that the vast majority of men online are into hiding who they really are. I have also taken a hard look at my own reasons for thinking that somewhere out there I was going to find a like minded person. I am thanking my stars that this never did progress to a face to face, because I saved myself from a lot of grief.

I am not sure if your circumstances are the same, meaning an online or a face to face relationship. I can tell you that your pain will ease and the drive to understanding why he would do something so hurtful will subside in small increments. Maybe you will get to the point of pitying someone that can't be authentic in anything to do with relationship. I am not sure how it will go for you.

I can only say I am ok now and I am not into hate mode. I feel wiser and am looking at my own needs and longings. I do know that nothing in another chart can be pointed out as this person is a liar or a serial heart breaker etc, because we use the energies of the chart uniquely to our own very personal or many times un/sub concious drives. Someone with an almost identical chart will use the planets and chart he is born with in an entirely different manner. I used to think I could somewhat read others motivations and thinking patterns in their chart. I think some can be seen, but the real essence of a person will remain hidden just as if we had no knowledge of the chart. However that doesn't mean I will stop looking at charts LOL I know it sounds conflicted, but I feel the only chart I need to know through and through is my own. My own chart is the only one that I can question and learn from totally honestly, unless I am not being honest with myself.

P.S.

I don't think you said too much and kudos to you for being open and actually sending the question. I can't tell you how many posts I have written and deleted in other threads because I felt I was revealing too much of me.

Agree with Daemoness - did not write too much, that was very well laid out, easy to follow and I think it will help people.

(((MzScarlett)))

I was in therapy once because of not knowing how to deal with a huge betrayal.  My biggest problem was not wanting to trust again, because I never wanted to be made a "fool" again.  My therapist told me that if I am betrayed again, after re-issuing my trust, that the person doing the betraying is the "fool", not me.  I tend to spend a great deal of time protecting myself against shit that may or may not happen, and believe me, it is exhausting.  Trusting is the hardest thing in the world for me, so I feel your pain, but I agree with all here that beating yourself up for someone else's behavior is really being harsh to your psyche.  He is the fool - not you.

Thanks everyone for being so kind - i want to clarify that while this is a person I did meet on line, we did take it to the face to face level pretty shortly thereafter.  Over 6 months, we went back and forth and stayed in each others homes and the plan was to put our lives together, in fact we were doing that when we broke up.   He had me leave all of my clothing  in that closet and it was just a couple of weeks ago that I got it back.

This is a guy that came to my house and fixed stuff for me...built stuff for me.  I did try my very best to check him out both background checks, of course we looked at his chart. Plus i had even been to big company events with him and co-workers.   Had been to his place of work and went to lunch with people from his office.  Spent alone time with his kid.   He is very prominent in his community,  a big 'achiever' in the outside world and we both have cap moon so I was thinking 'he's like me' 

I could have opened every frigging drawer in that entire house to try to figure out what he was about, but I didn't.  I wonder if I'll be able to do that again?

Last night after I posted this, he kept texting the words  ' U just turn your pretty head and walk away'.  He never stops fucking with me for more than two days although i've been able to shut most of it down and never respond.

I will say this as a cautionary tale since only women are responding here.   I saw two distinct kinds of women that responded to him.  One's that kept their boundaries and stayed on the site and didn't plunge head long into the emotional/romance theme in their e-mails.  Paced themselves.   I was like that in the beginning. I didn't take it really seriously b/c it seemed too much to hope for.

Those girls were mostly professional women, mba's, etc   and he seemed to pursue them much more than the ones that got immediately fell into a dialog as if they had been together for ever.  Those  he quickly disgarded or gave less attn.  It was like, he didn't  want to belong to any club that would have him as a member.  

In so far as his chart, oh my god- we looked at his chart ad nauseum.  Our charts  said 'built to last' but Elsa taught me" 'Insanity trumps astrology'

Hmm.  Most people see warning signs and ignore them because they want to believe in the ideal.  I've been there.  Most people also block out possibilities in love and friendships because they're just too afraid to ever take a chance...I never want to be that person.

One thing I'm sure of is this: It is NOT your fault if you didn't somehow see beneath that man's veneer.  No one is omniscient.  No one is perfect, and everyone has had the wool pulled over their eyes.

Trusting others shows a purity in intent and spirit, and a strength in yourself.  It is a good thing.  If someone abuses it, then that person is frankly a jack***.  But you are not.  You are the kind-hearted person who gave someone a chance, and they ruined it.  I find that taking the opinions of those who love me, about the men I'm dating, helps to counteract the love haze.

From what you have written I think you have handled it very well. Everyone blows through warning signs so don't feel bad about that. When I do that, I see it as having abandoned myself in an effort to gain something I thought I could never have otherwise. The way I try to protect myself from repeating the same mistake is to try to figure out what quality I believed the person had and develop it within myself.

Give yourself a break! If you were perfect no one would like you.

you know, I have huge respect for anyone who tangles with narcissists and lives to tell.  good job.

I know there are people (not here) that get their nose all bent out of shape over the use of the N word without a diagnosis.

well, these people rarely get diagnosed unless they want to be:  ie- it makes them feel special.  they're too good at fooling people short term.  AND anyway:

if it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, etc.  it's probably a goddam duck.  how many hours does it have to emulate a duck to be a duck?  uncertain, but let's just treat it like a duck till proven otherwise.

or better yet analogy-wise, in the words of Cheech and Chong: "looks like dogshit... smells like dogshit..." 

word satori, very true. plus what are the odds that an N would actually go to a psychologist and admit there's something wrong with him/her ... aka get a professional diagnosis? Extremely unlikely, considering what the personality disorder itself entails... Even if an N did go to a psychologist, I would imagine there's a good chance the psychologist might be fooled themselves.

"you know, I have huge respect for anyone who tangles with narcissists and lives to tell.  good job."

Ditto.

It's hard to find someone to relate your experience to, after going through something like this.. it's definetely not something that happens to everyone, so feeling alone about the situation and having no one ( in real life ) to relate about it and actually understand ( aside from an experienced therapist/psychologist ) I think is probably the most difficult part in healing from something like this. I understand where you're coming from having been through an experience with an N before so i admire your strength for enduring it and coming out of it more aware.

" Trusting others shows a purity in intent and spirit, and a strength in yourself.  It is a good thing.  If someone abuses it, then that person is frankly a jack***.  But you are not.  You are the kind-hearted person who gave someone a chance, and they ruined it. "

*agreed*