I think most know that I have no problem what anyone does in their relationships, so long as they are adult and consenting.  I have some things I wonder about though, when it comes to people in open relationships. We have a number of people on the boards who are involved in these type arrangements and this has been true, over the years. It's always been something openly discussed.

With Saturn in Libra there has been a lot of focus on one-on-one, marriage, serious relationship and the like. This is fine, but these other people are also in strutured (Saturn) relationship (Libra) and I would like to explore this and maybe learn something.

In that spirit, I have some questions that I hope someone with experience can answer. These are very simple questions from my personal perspective, which is that of a very possessive/jealous woman. I pass no judgment in asking these questions, even it if seems that way.  I just want to know this stuff - compare you to me in a way. The questions reflect more on me then you, is what I am saying.

I can think of some probable answers to these questions - I work with a lot of people who are poly, but I am going to refrain from that and get the answers straight from the horse's mouth.  I am also primarily interested in what WOMEN think and how they feel, again for the comparison.

1. How do you shake the idea that you are just standing in while the man auditions other woman, until he ultimately finds one he prefers?

2. Do some women enter these situation with the purpose (conscious or otherwise) to compete and cause a separation between another pair who have some kind of established connection?

3. Is the above, part of the appeal for you?

4. Do you ever feel or worry that you are giving up the best years of your life, for something that may pay little or no return when you're older?

5. Is rebellion a part of this?

If anyone else has questions - please ask 'em and we'll see what we can find out here.

I'll probably edit this a few times to flesh out answers.  For the most part, I'm willing to answer questions about my lifestyle as long as it doesn't violate the privacy of any of my partners and as long as it's asked respectfully. 

1. How do you shake the idea that you are just standing in while the man auditions other woman, until he ultimately finds one he prefers?

One of my boyfriends is already married.  I don't worry about this, because it happened 15 years before I showed up.

The other?  It's a concern, because he wants a mother for his children and I am not her.  OTOH, I like to think that he and I will have a relationship even when/if that happens, because we have a good connection and a happy relationship now.  We've talked about a big communal poly household - and while it's kind of pie in the sky, it does tell you the mindset of the involved parties.

Really, I've never felt that way with my long term partners.  If someone isn't interested in a long term relationship with me, I'm not interested in a long term relationship with him.  Or her.

2. Do some women enter these situation with the purpose (conscious or otherwise) to compete and cause a separation between another pair who have some kind of established connection?

I'm sure some do.  I've read some stories online about people who got involved in what I call false polyamory - the idea that open relationships were fine all around, but one person had a hidden agenda . . . yeah.  That doesn't work, I don't think.  I've got pretty strong ideas about what *does*, but I tend not to foist them upon other people unless asked.

3. Is the above, part of the appeal for you?

Absolutely not.  Never has been.  I find I'm happiest when all of my men are happy - by whatever means they get there.

4. Do you ever feel or worry that you are giving up the best years of your life, for something that may pay little or no return when you're older?

I feel like my lifestyle gives me the opportunity to live the "best years of my life" with an abundance I didn't dream was possible 20 years ago.

5. Is rebellion a part of this?

Perhaps a bit.  I do not fit the societal norms - I never have.  I don't think that makes my particular self expression false, but I won't deny that it pleases me that my love life is outside the heteronormative monogamous standard American model.

Shannon, thanks. I know you've lived a monogmous lifestyle before and this seems to suit you a lot better. Is there a downside for you?

I did, for many years - hell I was even married.  To a man!

*laughing*

Yeah, that didn't work so much for me, but I did it for a long time so it wasn't useless, either.  I'm not willing to throw away those experiences.

But to answer?  Everything has a down side.

This is harder.

LOTS harder.

It forces me to be far more self aware and honest than I would have been before.  And it forces me to own my own bullshit, you know?  Which isn't a bad thing, except now I have to look at it.  *chuckle*

If I had that desire to merge, honestly this probably wouldn't work for me.  But my chart has independence and self-sufficiency written all over it.

The other down side is that now I have more people to not spend the holidays with.  That's a bit of a sore spot for me, but I'm working on it.

You don't have to answer this stuff of course but I'm asking - whoever.

What is most enjoyable about it?  Is it variety of sex?  The emotional complexity?  The freedom? 

On the last, there seems to be as many rules in your relationship9(s) as I have in mine. Is this wrong? Is that why it's harder?

Also, it does not sound like competition comes into this for you - I am sure I would feel that - Mars in Libra, eh?

I want to ask: Do you like knowing that while having multiple partners if one doesn't work out, there is always someone around/no more loneliness? Is that a benefit that you considered?

These answers are very interesting, thanks Shannon!

I don't mind answering - if I mind answering, I will stop. 

The variety is one of the most appealing things, certainly - of companionship, of sex, of experiences.  I enjoy the emotional depth and support, too.  I don't have a single partner, I have a safety net, and they all have a safety net too.  Mrs KEB has another serious boyfriend, and Pericles has another girlfriend (who has kids! yay!) that looks to become somewhat serious.  We have shared lives and shared experiences and that adds up to a broader and deeper experience than any of us could have had as an individual couple.

I don't have any hard and fast rules except for myself and my own conduct. (Sun-Saturn, you know.) I just don't think multiple long-term committed relationships work if the people involved aren't fairly self aware.  You know how people tend to repeat their own bad relationship patterns?  Now think about one person repeating that pattern with two different partners at once.

Yeah.  Not good.

So when I say "it has forced me to . . . " I mean I have forced myself to, in order to be better at it.

The holiday thing is my own issue.  I don't really want to force my way into someone else's family, when I get down to it.  But I still don't like that I don't get to spend Christmas with anyone else.  (which is crazy, considering I don't even celebrate it . . . right?!  I didn't say they were rational down sides, only down sides.)

Oh oh the other thing that's a down side:  the number of people who have to be notified if someone has an STI scare.  *laughing but not really too hard*

ETA:  No, no competition here.  I have Mars in Cancer, P has Mars in Taurus, KEB has Mars in Aqua, and JP has Mars in Taurus, too.  Competition implies a certain amount of changing . . . *roaring laughter*

egiyablu - That is a plus, yes.  I have had a pretty blech breakup during my actively poly times, and while it still hurt a lot, it was nice having the others around to comfort me (and um . . . help me forget about it.  )

@Shannon - Thanks! :) I'm going to go read your long post now haha

@Shannon - what aspects hit your Cancer Mars?

I have a Cancer Mars too, and I'm also a Gemini with a Sag Moon but I can't imagine how I'd deal with more than one person at a time lmao. Not to mention the possessiveness I'd feel knowing that someone I loved was with someone else. haha Have you ever had to deal with those feelings as you became more self-aware? Just curious!

My own chart has Mars conjunct Venus, square Uranus, opposite Jupiter, inconjunct my moon/Neptune. :-)

ETA sq Chiron too

And yes - will go into the feelings when I'm not mobile. Too much typing for my thumb. :)

Im not sure exactly how to phrase my question... so I appologise in advance if its awkward.

When you have found someone new that you are attracted to, how do you broach the subject (maybe with someone who has never been polyamourous)?
How do you deal with rejection?

Back when I was single... I was asked by a few different couples to join them. One married couple in particular were attractive folks who I had lots in common with... The wife of the couple pleaded with me saying "I would rather have him sleep with you than someone I don't know and trust". But my thought always came back to 'tonight I will have to go home and sleep alone' and if not tonight tomorrow night.  This thought hurt too much for me to become a part of their relationship.

When I let these friends know my feelings they TORE ME DOWN and said I didnt really understand what polyamory is all about, and that I could have other partners too, so I wouldnt have to sleep alone. They didn't get it... or I didn't get it. Suffice it to say we where no longer friends after that. I am still unsure what I did wrong, I was just stating my feelings.

Okay that makes a lot of sense :) Esp the Jupiter/Uranus/Venus. :) I can see why this would work for you!

Thank you for you honesty Shannon, i really apreciate your insights..  polyamorism is quite common in the gay community, mostly as "open relationships" (which i know is different).  but i have been considering the possibilities of this lately with the scorp and his "non-commital" stance. 

would i be able to carry on an intimate relationship with more than one person at a time? 

i don't think so.  posessiveness and jealousy are too powerful in my being for me to be successful polyamorously..  but i've casually dated more than several guys at once, without seriousness.

The appeal of polyamory comes to me in that I can see having a deep, soul connection with more than one person. Feeling secure enough with your relationship with  someone that your love isn't diminished or harmed by also having that connection with someone else.  There is no fear, but love and acceptance and good positive energy sharing. Everyone is okay with it and there's a ton of love and respect and honor to go around.

That said, in reality, I don't think I could harness my jealousy. I can see sharing myself with more than one partner, but I can't see them sharing themselves with other people, which is why Luci knows polyamory isn't for her.

I need a harem, not a polyamorous relationship. :D

^^i gree with luci^^

i need a harem 

Momma I don't think you did anything wrong. I think those people were jerks.

How do you approach someone - do you mean someone I'm interested in dating?

Unfortunately my only answer to the rejection question is: Sadge moon! And I feel an abundance in life - a door closes here, a window opens there.

Trying to answer what I can on the bus here. Others please please feel free to jump in. It's not my intent to monopolize.

Also LOL at the harems \o/

Having two failed monogamous relationships behind me (including a 19-year marriage), I could see myself in a poly situation better than I could another monogamous one. I've had my family and did what I was supposed to do, but now I feel like one partner being around all the time would put too much pressure on me -- I'm just not willing to engage in something that demands so much of me any more, but I'm very giving. I'm not into women in the physical sense, but I can be a really good friend. I do find that when I'm shiny, women feel threatened by me, which I find ridiculous -- not denying anyone's feelings, just a remark about myself. Anyway, I'm rambling. I admire peeps who can make it work, and I'm flexible on the idea.

Elsa, I know why you've asked these things, but I can't help but kind of cringe at how some of it is worded. Although I, personally in my little girl heart, want to grow up and have a perfect marriage and be a perfect mother, I am happily ready to get real here.

I've got Sun, Merc, Venus, and Pluto in Scorpio, tightly conjunct. Mars and Moon in Aquarius, tightly conjunct.

When you all did the marraige poll a week or two ago, I thought it was the saddest thing I'd ever read. If anything, it made me happy as hell that I'm brave enough to admit my lesbianism and move past it to a healthy place. The idea of being trapped in a farty old conventional deathtrap of a relationship plain terrifies me. And I don't think that's me rebelling, I think that considering the facts ... look around and who really has a successful relationship? ... I'm just fine to be a lesbian and to let my girlfriends date/sleep with whoever they want.

I have self esteem, so I don't have to worry about getting used. And I really love it when someone can honestly tell me "I've been around and sewn my oats, and it's you I really want to be with" THAT is my perfect dream. So, I want that exploration. I want that experience. I want the background of having done what I wanted to do, paid my own debts, made my own decisions (not based on any societal insistancy), and chosen my own mate. That is really freedom for a woman, choosing her own path without being chained up to obligation after obligation.

Well, in my humble opinion, at least. I like this thread. I love to read here when everyone is getting to the meat of their questions. "The meat", that's Elsa talk. I'm a vegatarian.

Elsa, I know why you've asked these things, but I can't help but kind of cringe at how some of it is worded.

I'm not suprised.  I explained the best I could. But ultimately I wanted to have this thread and decided it was worth the risk.

I have Pluto squaring Mercury in Libra right now. I want to know and also want to give people in these relationships a forum for balance because I know they are here on the blog and there has been such a focus an trad. relationship since Saturn went into Libra.  This blog was less focused on marriage, historically.

Anyway, sorry people cringe. I am in a repulsive phase and will be, hard core for the next three months. I don't know what to do but warn people, which I have several weeks ago and more than once.

I think if someone does not like this thread, then don't click it. For the rest of y'all, please carry on!

I'm not Polyamorous in the formal sense, but I have sometimes had multiple or 'overlapping' or concurrent partners, however you like to phrase it, and I've also always been monogamous when living with anyone... so maybe I qualify to answer.

I can't do it tonight though; it's 1am and I'm still having a bit of a stressful time with people in my house. I'll be clear of mind enough, maybe tomorrow, certainly the day after - it's not something I want to rush at since it's very hard to explain these things and I'd like to try... Although I'm not sure it's possible to explain the realities to anyone who is both very possessive, and believes in (or can only handle) a sole, closed relationship

I'll just say now that managing the jealousy IS the hardest part of it; but I do it by keeping in mind my own ability to 'be totally in the moment' with whoever I'm with, and my own ability to love profoundly more than one man at a time. It's not easy though, not at all

"Momma I don't think you did anything wrong. I think those people were jerks." *tee hee hee snort* 

I guess a better question is: how do you bring up the subject of poly lifestyle with a new potential partner who is not poly?

Delurking because this is a pretty significant topic for me at the moment.  My open marriage has just ended and while I don't believe it ended because we were open, it was greatly complicated by our openness and you might even say the others in our life became a vehicle for our undoing.  In other words, I think he used them to get himself free while casting the blame elsewhere.  

I'm answering without reading everyone else's comments so the following is purely my experience.

1. How do you shake the idea that you are just standing in while the man auditions other woman, until he ultimately finds one he prefers?
It never felt like that to me, even when I struggled with feelings of jealousy.  People do all sorts of crazy things and I imagine there are some men or women who keep their relationship open because they want to keep shopping.  I don't see that as the norm among poly people I know. 

2. Do some women enter these situation with the purpose (conscious or otherwise) to compete and cause a separation between another pair who have some kind of established connection?
Absolutely there are people who would try to break something beautiful just because they can.  I think it is critical for a primary relationship to be very solid and for loyalty to be established among the existing partners before introducing someone new.  Both partners have to be aware that not everyone will behave ethically and guard against attack in that form. 

3. Is the above, part of the appeal for you?
No, not in either direction.  When I was single and dating people in an established couple I was extremely sensitive to the pre-existing relationships.  And I was very aware of people who might undermine my relationship when I was in a committed primary relationship, both men and women. 

4. Do you ever feel or worry that you are giving up the best years of your life, for something that may pay little or no return when you're older?
No.  Even though my marriage is ending, I don't regret the structure of it or the experiences I had.  I think it failed for the reasons most relationships fail.  We were flawed humans trying to do our best and it didn't work. 

5. Is rebellion a part of this?
I don't really think it was for me.  I chose to remain open after two relationships in a row ended because I had been cut off sexually.  I declared that I wanted to remain sexually autonamous and then I met and fell for a man who was a voyeur and who likd to push his own boundaries.  It was an adventure no question, but not because I wanted to rebel against anyone.  

In the end, the conflicts about parenting and managing mundane issues wore us down more than the open relationship stuff.  It was not simple though, and he remains in a relationship with a woman we were both deeply in love with.  I remain in a relationship with a man he encouraged me to seek and fall in love with.  We both feel somewhat betrayed because it wasn't supposed to end like this, but looking back I can see where the foundation was cracked from the very beginning.  

As usual, my conceptual framework is (in my mind) in a different space than my reality. Conceptually - bring it. I am made for it. I will dredge through my own shit and face it, and deal with it.

However, three things have happened.

The first is from the outside. I was called an immature child and a baby who didn't have a clue what love was.  (Note: I was the one calling in the possibitlity.) I could go on about this. But I was terribly wounded. At the very least, I may not be able to give a textbook definition of love, I am immensely caring. I thought that was the point. Not ownership, but care.  

Two: I have been involved, in my two long-term realtionships, with incredibly jealous men. A discovery I made after marriage. They really didn't show it prior. Or I was blind. Whichever the case, I can't do that either. Again. All about ownership, not care.

Now, over the last three years, I've realized that when I am intimate with someone some kind of energy field gets made and then it gets complicated... Because I don't want to breach that field and my experiences have shown me that the people I've chosen to have in my life don't handle that breach easily.

That being said. I have Jupiter/Leo, right? I can gaze at my own self and admit that no matter how big my heart is ... I shall be queen. So maybe it's more about me than anyone I've been with. Dare I say that I might verge on... I can have a few lovers but you can't? Or if you do... I'm the head of it?

But I also said I do not want to breach the energy field. So, for instance, I have no desire to be intimate with anyone else. And yet he and I can talk about it. I did admit I'd have to be the MOST important. Meh. SO full of myself. However, I would separate that from competition. I REFUSE to compete. If you don't want me most... Tata. Kiss and wave.

And so I go in circles. This has been a an interior dialogue from the beginning of my awakening to love and sensuality and relationships.

I think it has, perhaps, something to do with: Leo/Asc/Jupiter - Aqua; Mars conjunct SN in Scorp - NN in Taurus, and; Cancer Sun in 12th - Moon Cap 6th. I have a lot of support one way and lots of support the other way.  

I suspect I will go down still trying to figure it all out. C'est la vie.

PS. And No! I don't think I am auditioning. And...

4. Do you ever feel or worry that you are giving up the best years of your life, for something that may pay little or no return when you're older?

No.

5. Is rebellion a part of this?

Quite the opposite. I wish to feel like I am where I belong. And that place is likely called: the learning curve. And this conversation, and this dialogue with my intimates, is my learning curve.

I said I'd come back to this question

Not to mention the possessiveness I'd feel knowing that someone I loved was with someone else. haha Have you ever had to deal with those feelings as you became more self-aware? 

Oh gods, yes.  You'd all know me for a lying fool if I said none of us ever had feelings of jealousy or inadequacy, or concerns about the relationship withstanding the process of a partner with a new relationship.

I had to dig into that one kind of hard - and what I figured out about myself is this:  if I feel like my needs are being met, I don't get jealous.  If I'm already feeling a little twinge-y about things with someone, and he finds a new girlfriend, then I worry.

The solution is pretty simple, but not the easiest thing in the world:  talk about it with the person in question.  I've learned to talk about stuff when I start to feel it, rather than when it becomes an issue later.  P and I joke that we both sound like we've been "therapized" - but it's true.  The KEB speaks that language, as well, which I find both helpful and comforting.

One thing I don't do, though - I don't air issues with one partner to the other partner.  Like if the KEB and I are working through something, I don't talk to P about it until it's resolved.  To me that's just respectful.  If there's something really difficult I will ask "hey, do you mind if I run this by P to see if he has any insight that might help?" or vice versa.  But generally when the rare situation does arise, we work it out as a couple privately.

Side note:  Lupa Glad to see you, sorry about the circumstances.

There is so much misunderstanding about this issue that I am super stoked to see it being discussed openly & respectfully here.

The one thing I've noticed about friends in poly relationships is just how brutally honest they have to be - with themselves and others...You have to own your shit! I'm sure you mentioned this Shannon...it's just something I really admire.

Thanks, Shannon. That really struck home for me... a) Getting out of the leo/jupiter need for the MOST. And using that big leo heart for the better. b) Really don't have to be meeting all of someone's (or everyone's) needs. c) Are my needs being met? Welll... Yes they are. d) Am I there when needed, for others, yes.

xm

Excellent and very interesting thread, thanks everyone

:(  Oh, Lupa.  *mucho hugs*

Some more questions. Again, wording is tough so please understand.

Do you feel like you've lowered your standards or expectations of people if you were previously in a monogamous relationship and now are polyamorous? Have your raised them?

What is the biggest misconception about polyamory?

Do you have fewer or more boundaries when it comes to relationships? How do you keep yourself from being hurt or keep your self-respect in tact? Do you have rules?

Do you sometimes wonder if maybe you just haven't found the right person yet? IE. Is polyamory a transition phase until or if you can find someone to be monogamous with or have you given up on the idea of monogamy or never found it appealing?

Similar: If you found a person who you felt could meet all your needs would you become a monogamist?

What do you think of the idea of polyamory as a different form of co-dependency?

Are you more or less trusting of your partners than in a monogamous relationship?

What is the best part of being polyamorous in your opinion?

Teehee! This has just opened up a whole can of worms for me!

This is a very interesting topic, and thank you everyone for being open and honest...

When I was about 16 i read these stories - author was anonymous and they had titles such as 'Us', 'Them' etc - think there were about 5 books in the series, and the basis of these books was a poly situation that built up over time.  IIRC the last one involved a situation where one of the women became pregnant, and they could not decide who would be called father on the birth cetificate, but it was agreed that all the men would be father, regardless.

I know this was only a story, but I do wonder what would happen in a real life situation, if/when the woman got pregnant - i am assuming that there has not been a prior agreement to have children. 

I'm sorry if the question sounds naive...

I mostly steer clear of these type of threads because I know I use non-monogamy to avoid my issues (kinda the mirror image of Shannon in that regard).  I'm going to try and answer as many of these questions as I can, though.  :)  This is probably going to get very long, I've copied every question I could find.  *laughs @self*

How do you shake the idea that you are just standing in while the man auditions other woman, until he ultimately finds one he prefers?

This isn't an issue for me, really.  If I'm not being faithful to one man, I can't be hurt if/when he finds another.  (See what I mean about avoiding my own shit?  *looks at halo*)  And I mean that literally -- I can't be hurt!  Within the rules and bounds that I set upon myself, I never really develop deep enough feelings to bring up my jealousy demons.  My partners are friends, and some become beloved friends, but that's where my line is.  And I can't be sad or feel rejected if one of my beloved friends finds someone else with whom he/she is happy.  :)

Do some women enter these situation with the purpose (conscious or otherwise) to compete and cause a separation between another pair who have some kind of established connection?  Is the above, part of the appeal for you?

Nope.  Breaking up an established relationship is anathema to me and not something I can/will do.  Triangulation (or more) is unappealing.

That said, I've seen it done -- both within and without the poly community.  As with anything, I can usually spot the shit-stirrers and steer clear.

Do you ever feel or worry that you are giving up the best years of your life, for something that may pay little or no return when you're older?

If I'm honest, yes I do worry about this.  But I worry about this in every arena of my life!  I'm in my early-30's and have very little to show for my time on this planet, which alternately paralyses me with fear/worry and kicks me in the ass with "get it done!"

Is rebellion a part of this?

Well...  I do have some pretty significant Aqua/Uranus goin' on.  *shit-eatin' grin*  If there is rebellion, though, it's not conscious.  I didn't start out by saying, "Fuck the norm!"  It was more like, "If I like A and I like B, why can't I have both?  What's wrong with that?"

What is most enjoyable about it? Is it variety of sex? The emotional complexity? The freedom?

Again being honest, for me it's the lack of intensity.  To paraphrase Hannibal Lector, I'm a deep roller.  A monogamous relationship is a death-spiral to me; in a poly situation I get to skim the whirlpool, so to speak.

The freedom is mighty appealing, though.  ;)

On the last, there seems to be as many rules in your relationship(s) as I have in mine. Is this wrong? Is that why it's harder?

There are infinitely more rules, in my experience.  That's not what makes it harder, though.  The hard part, for me, is juggling everyone's wants, needs, feelings -- let alone the time expenditure!  *laughs*  Also, like Shannon said, you have to be very self-aware (meaning know what your wants / needs / feelings are so you don't get confused and/or short-changed) to make non-monogamy work successfully.  If you choose partners that aren't as self-aware, like someone who's in it just to audition people *points above*, things get sticky and PRONTO.

Do you like knowing that while having multiple partners if one doesn't work out, there is always someone around/no more loneliness? Is that a benefit that you considered?

Never crossed my mind, tbh.
I have been profoundly lonely, even in situations where I have 6 partners I can call on.  Sometimes you want something A can provide, but A is inaccessible.  So you can settle for B (or C, or D...), or you wait for A to be available to you.  Being poly only erases loneliness in those times where anyone would fill the space, it doesn't erase pining or wanting what you can't have.  (With Venus-Neptune sextile, I sometimes need a bit of this in my life.)

On the opposite hand, I've also had bad days where I call for a mood-boost puppy-pile and it's been provided.  That's a special sort of non-lonely that's worth almost anything to me.  *smiles*

When you have found someone new that you are attracted to, how do you broach the subject (maybe with someone who has never been polyamourous)?

Straight up.  I don't see the point in leading anyone on, so if I'm interested in someone that's a first-date conversation.

How do you deal with rejection?

Not well.  ;)
Seriously, though, if it's someone I'm just starting to know who doesn't want to get into a non-monogamous relationship, it's not a big deal.  It's just like any other budding relationship where one might take off over hobbies or music choice or whatever.  Ain't no thang but a chicken wing.  ;)

Do you feel like you've lowered your standards or expectations of people if you were previously in a monogamous relationship and now are polyamorous? Have your raised them?

I don't think my standards have changed much, honestly.  The only thing I've done is remove my jealousy and self-esteem from the equation.

What is the biggest misconception about polyamory?

That we're all amoral heathens and we're going to hell?   ï»¿

How do you keep yourself from being hurt or keep your self-respect intact?

Part of this I answered above.  I keep myself from getting hurt by putting a mental block around the person and deciding just how much of me I'm willing to invest.

On self-respect (self-image, self-esteem), I find it's actually easier for me to keep it high/intact.  I have a Libra stellium and in a monogamous relationship a lot of my "self" gets tied into how well my relationship is doing -- for good or ill, call it codependant if you want, whatever.  That's how it is.  *shrugs and smiles*  In a non-monogamous situation, I still get to dictate my "self" to my "self."  It's much healthier, imo.

Do you sometimes wonder if maybe you just haven't found the right person yet? IE. Is polyamory a transition phase until/if you can find someone to be monogamous with or have you given up on the idea of monogamy or never found it appealing?  Similar: If you found a person who you felt could meet all your needs would you become a monogamist?

I did monogamy for 8 years at the longest.  It was hard, man!  *grins*  And, yeah, there were benefits to it that I enjoyed -- but it's not like there wasn't any drawbacks, either.  Both are a trade-off to me.

That being said, I wanted and expected to be with my partner of 8 years for the rest of my life and I was happy with the idea.  If another one came my way, I'd have no problem being monogamous again.  It brings up demons, but I'm willing to work with/around that.  My monogamous partners usually feel differently, though.  ;)

What do you think of the idea of polyamory as a different form of co-dependency?

Maybe?  For some?

I'm definitely less codependant in non-monogamous situations, though.  YMMV, all o' that.  :)

Are you more or less trusting of your partners than in a monogamous relationship?

Um... more, I think.  I'm always expecting a monogamous partner to fuck me over somehow.  I can't sit easy with it.

Okay here is a dumb question here.

Does this mean your are more into relationships on different levels? 

I mean, I'm afraid of relationships, so is there a more demand or need to feel more for you to experience levels?

And being Polyamorous is another form of committing?

I'm sorry if I'm ignorant here, but I've only learnt snipets about this stuff from here. And I'm trying to learn on my basic level.

@Sunny, I would definitely say that being poly is just another form of committing.  Instead of committing to one, you're committing to two (or more).  I'm not quite sure what you mean about levels, though.  Could you flesh it out a bit?

Cool thanks SaDiablo.

Hmmm Levels. I mean, when you are in a poly relationships or the reasons in being them, is that you get to or need to  fulfil the required levels in your embodied soul?

I know we all have different levels where we want to be in relationships. But does that mean, do you have more. I know my depth is not as deep as others while compared to others it will be.

Is yours much deeper or is it broader than that?

Sorry I've got the whole Pisces Neptune conjuncting my Pisces Moon going on. 

"Sorry I've got the whole Pisces Neptune conjuncting my Pisces Moon going on."

Hee!  It's cool.  ;)

Like I said (alluded?) above, I do multiples for the express reason of not getting too deep, so all of my poly entanglements occur at the mid- to shallow levels no matter how many there may be.  I satisfy my need for depth at that point with my non-sexual friendships.  In a monogamous relationship, everything occurs for me somewhere in the Marianas Trench (if not lower) -- not always comfy!

Is that what you're asking?

Oh.. I get you. Sexual is one thing but the non sexual is another more deeper meaning/level. And having a monogamous is another kettle of fish.

Okay I think I'm understanding it now. Cool thank you SaDiablo for explaining it simply for me.

NP, sunny.  :)  I'm not sure it works that way for everyone, though; take with a grain of salt.