Okay, before I write my big, long ramble, I'll state the basic premise of this whole shebang: I want to hear about a time that all you pebble-turners out there finally flipped over enough rocks to find your gold nugget.  What happened and how long did it take?

On my end, this is a quasi-update on my healing/grieving process.  I'm still processing, but for the most part, I'm okay with everything.  And this time, it doesn't feel like part of a cycle.  It feels more permanent than that, and cheeze knows that's something I've looked forward to.  I found my nugget.  Maybe plural, nuggetS, I'm not sure.

I should've paid more attention to what I was feeling, the words that were coming out of my mouth.  I should've trusted my intuition, in other words, because it was all very subtle and subconscious, but looking back it was all laid out if I had just tuned into it.

I've managed to trace everything back to at least 2003 and an abortion I had that January.  It's something I hit upon a while back, then couldn't find the linkage as to why.  Well, I had a wild hair and decided to look back at a blog the ex no longer uses and ran across evidence that cements this insight.  Then, using this piece of the puzzle, I started replaying the events of that period, and that's when I started saying one of us should move out when we would fight, that's when I started getting "irrational" twinges of jealousy.  Now, I could probably chicken or egg this to death, but what feels right in my soul is that after the abortion he started distancing himself, and that's what I was reacting to -- the timeline seems to support this version, too.  Yeah, one (me, I) could argue that I felt weird, thus pushing him out, then he distanced, then the fighting, but that doesn't flow for me, the timeline is off.

There's more/others, but I can't write it right now.  I think this comment will have to stand alone for a bit; cluttering it up with other flashes is wrong, somehow.  Suffice to say that I found a trigger, and things are falling into place, and I'm finally putting this stuff to rest.

Anyone else feeling brave? 

Good for you, SaDiablo!

(((SaD))) I do have thoughts on this and will come back later. January 2003 was the beginning of the worst year in my life (last year was shite too but I had the emotional tools to deal).

I think you're similar age to me; that's when Pluto in Sag was conjunct Neptune in Sag people, right? Where's your Neptune? (Sorry, random questions) 

I think Kashmiri is onto something, I had an abortion around the same time.  It has haunted me for years.  I feel like it was the right the thing to do, but I still suffer a lot of pain from that decision. I know it deeply hurt the father as well, but it was not the cause of our turmoil, we fundamentally did not get along.  This is a really painful topic.

:(

you guys are brave for sharing this, thank you 

(((everyone)))

January 2003 - mine isn't as tragic, though it was a bad year for me. I got hired immediately upon graduation and then lost the job 7 months later due to a blogging incident. I have not blogged publicly since then and I am unsure when I will ever do that again. This was also my final year living in the same city (or should I say... COUNTRY) as my family and the year I made the decision to follow a dream.

SaDiablo, I don't have stories to tell but I had a very encouraging, significant boost from Elsa this morning. When the time comes, I may be able to turn pebbles and tell the tale. 

i had the pluto neptune conjunction.  and january... well.  i had a pregnancy too. kept the kid but left all my friends behind to go out into the back of beyond and stay with my family to have him.  traumatic relationship and traumatic blowups with my best friend about and around it.  lost faith in nearly everything i'd been anchoring myself with for years.

january was when i moved. i'd just completed my degree and couldn't find a job.  not that whole "you graduate and go into a career" business for me.

i've found more durable anchors since.

Kash, my Nep is at 15° Sag.  I don't have time to check the ephemeris, though, since I'm at work; I'll look into what Pluto hit later.  Thanks!

(((notatirem)))  It's a big, difficult thing to go through, and I'm sorry you're still hurting.  Next time I send out wishes, I'm sending one your way, too.

Excellent news, Luna!  I'd be very interested in hearing what you come up with, if you want to share when that happens.

Wyrdling, that reminds me of the "experience needed" thing on the "What's Unreasonable?" thread.  I'm glad you found solid ground.  *smiles*