Yet another post about my feeeeeee-lings.

A good percentage of you know about my volatile split with the ex.  I think I'm stuck at anger.  I'd almost say rage, but it's less hot and more implacable than that -- it's more like a seething, roiling mass of resentment mixed with hate, sadness, and nostalgia tinged with bitterness and *gulp* envy every time I think about him.

I hate admitting to it.  It shames me.  I thought I was better and stronger than this.
I always wanted him to be happy, even if it wasn't with me, until he really wasn't with me.  Now I just want him to suffer!  And it sickens me.  I can even pinpoint the day that it happened, when his happiness no longer mattered and I just wanted him to rot.  But, obviously, that's not happening, and that just spirals me deeper into my desire for vengeance.

Obviously, obviously effed up hardcore to the max.  This is something I need to find out how to let go.

The small silver lining to this cloud?  I have something interesting to talk about at therapy next week.  *laughs*  The other upshot?  I haven't done anything with my vengefulness.  No calling down the hounds of hell, no manipulation or sabotage.  I just wish I could finally freeze this motherfucker out of my head and heart for good so I don't even think of him anymore.

And that's enough about me.  *BIG exhale*  Just needed to get it off my chest, y'all.  Thanks.

((SaDiablo))

Go ahead and talk about it.  Better to talk to yourself about it.  Demystify the entire experience by letting the words roll off your lips or fingers. 

Voodoo doll anyone?

SaDiablo, I can relate. But oh the breakthroughs (and break outs) that follow.  Hang in!

Sa, you should NOT beat yourself up for being introspective!  Too may people aren't.  I told my mom this is why I stay in my house and don't bother with most people.  So many of them walk around totally oblivious, doing stupid shit, saying stupid shit, and not looking back at the messes they make.  It's a GIFT in this culture to realize that you're not perfect, you eff up, and you want to fix yourself.  So hold your head high!

(As for an astrological explanation, do you think it might be Venus/Pluto?  I'm more than aware of my dark side, and I believe this aspect is why.)

Someday your reaction at the mention of his name will be neutral! And oh, what a day that will be!!

SiDiablo, I'll reply later, I mean better, later when I have time to read.

Now I have homework! Lol.

bitterness is no stranger to me. i used to journal out the worst of it. and after a while, i got really sick of being full of rage - especially understanding that ALL it accomplished was making me unhappy and feel bad about myself.

good luck gettig that SOB evicted from your head, hon.

Homework done! Time to respond.

SiDiablo, I really don't know what to say.

All I know is that I don't like people telling me that I shouldn't feel vengeance or hate when something like that happens to me. But the people who tell me that are jerks that don't care about my situation and that are just spitting bull from their mouths. And when it happens to them is when they finally care about what happened to me.

All I can tell you is to not feel ashamed to feel hate or vengeance. I also want to tell you that one day I hope that fire (hate) burns out. Who knows, maybe your ex won't pay now, but one day he will and in ten folds. And don't forget to protect yourself emotionally and physically.

well the thing for me was having to come to terms with the idea i could hold that kind of ugliness inside. it was never how i saw myself or what i was about. so having the kind of feelings i did made me feel damaged and disgusting.

i was angry and myself for feeling it to begin with and angry at the other for bringing to the forefront a part of me i'd prefer to remain unaware of it's existence. it took massive amounts of energy to contain.

i worked my way out of the hole by recognizing i'd dug it myself and it impacted no one but me. the feelings weren't the issue - the meaning i gave those feelings as i played them on loop in my head was. the "look what they did to me" kept it going. now, i get a hit, i try to let the feelings wash through me and skip the negative self-commentary about what kind of a person would think this stuff to begin with. i also try to drop the "shoulds" for the other because that's like a replay button to keep it cycling. 

(this was my saturn return lesson.)

SaD, what is going on with your Mars? Doesn't it conjunct Venus and Pluto in Libra? Is Pluto squaring it yet? What house is it in?

I like notatirem's idea but I'd find a metaphoric version of a voo-doo doll...I'm a pushover like that!

I say go find a shooting range and unload bullets. Learn the a martial art that can teach you to kill someone with your bare hands. Go to a thrift store, buy as much glassware as you can afford, and I mean buy the whole bloody store's supply, jump in your car, drive to a desolate spot and throw and smash every single plate and bowl and cup.

If you can't release the psychic/emotional rage then move the heavens to release the PHYSICAL rage, because it will back up on you and can make you ill. 

Go for a drive, and scream at the top of your lungs...whatever you do physically, do something physically, I can't emphasize this enough.

((((SaD)))))

goddess, that was such a good post. It describes my Saturn return as well. I remember during that time I had a huge, disproportionate amount of jealousy towards someone. It made me feel horrible to feel that way, knowing it was not right but not having the tools to do anything about it.

I do think that time opened me up and unblocked some of that energy. Consciously used, it's not all bad, but man, there was a lot festering in there.

Thanks for posting that!

I was just talking to someone about this yesterday: "I don't like the kind of person I am when I'm angry/hurt"

the issue, i think, is not what you think, but what you do.  losing something i've attached myself to emotionally is a rocky, unpleasant cycle.  it forces me to feel the broken parts of myself that maybe the relationship was allowing me to cover up.   feeling betrayed can bring out our survival instincts- the parts of ourselves that function to keep us alive... in the world our species evolved in, losing one's partner could easily lead to death- suddenly there's no one to watch your back.  i think it triggers deep reactions to abandonment and survival.

and survival can sometimes be an ugly ugly thing.  people can be pretty ferocious when it's at stake.  (or they think it is.)

so... i mean... try not to be so disturbed by what you're feeling... focus more on the line between thinking and acting.  in my mind, civilization is a bunch of people learning how to control their instincts enough to get along in close proximity with each other.

and, as goddess mention, some kind of catharsis, to get the feeling out of your system, might be useful.  write up journals.  burn them later if you want (i've found that incredibly cathartic.) i go out dancing.  endorphins are good.  people do all kinds of things to let the energy out without having it consume them....

Thanks for the support, guys.  It means a lot.  Usually I would journal this all out privately, but I couldn't at work and I had to get it out or blow a gasket.  *smiles*  It's funny that notatirem mentioned a voodoo doll, because there's much worse things I know and could be doing to get retribution but I've been holding myself away from it.  Because, hey, he deserves to live his life without interference and I don't need that kind of energy around me.  Really more for my good than his that I haven't.  I can be selfish if I wanna! 

Lis, thanks for the vote of confidence.  There's this line between introspection and self-absorbtion and I never really know on which side of it I stand.  And, of course, there's always the perceptions of others on that subject that gets me turned around, too, so...  muddy ground, I suppose.  This is Venus-Pluto most definitely.  My Mars-Venus-Pluto bomb, in 4 no less, trines my moon.  So a double-emotional whammy around it all.

Goddess, that's exactly what I'm going through right now.  I know/knew/whatever that I had this potential inside of me, but I never thought I'd have to wrestle it again and it saddens me.  I think less of myself that I can't be selfless and wish him well, because there was a point I could do that but it got poisoned.  Now to seperate the poison from the well... much, much harder to do.

Kash, yeah, I have Mars-Venus-Pluto in Libra/4 from 8°-14°.  Depending on your orbs, both Saturn and Pluto, either, or neither is applying.  Blech!
It's funny you mention shooting things.  That's one of my favorite things to do, even though I can't hit shit with a pistol.  Unfortunately (or not ) I'm without firearms right now, though I think I may go buy me the Walther I've been looking at, take it to the range, and get positively lethal with it.  Yeah, bay-bee!  \m/

I need to rediscover my power.  I gave it away without realizing it and rebuilding it is harder than I remembered.  I used to be a total force of nature, and I will be again, but for now I still feel a bit crippled, amputated.  Learning new ways of looking at things, new ways of being.  Need to fasten my belt for the bumpy ride ahead.  *lopsided grin*

"I know/knew/whatever that I had this potential inside of me, but I never thought I'd have to wrestle it again and it saddens me.  I think less of myself that I can't be selfless and wish him well, because there was a point I could do that but it got poisoned. "

The well isn't poisoned - it's just tainted with some emotional sediment at the moment. Over time, it will wash through. Hell -would you expect him or anyone else to go through what you have and not feel pissed? You're supposed to just go, "Oh, okay. You wanna throw me away? Well, I hope you're happier without me then...I am all light and therefore will feel nothing but love..." Not me, man!

I like what wyrdling said a lot - it's not what you feel, it's what you DO with those feelings. civilization is, indeed, an exercise in self control. the more upset i am, the more likely my own toes are getting stepped on in a way i didn't want to acknowledge.

You know, I suspect we're infinitely better off knowing we've got shadow in there  than not knowing it (and hence projecting it on the nearest target). Instead, look at ways to expend that energy in a non-hurtful way. Using it to self-criticize is still hurtful - to you. But finding ways to make yourself stronger and better and more self-sufficient and happier is also possible with the same blast of energy you're getting off this.