"Anything to stupid to be said is sung," I said, reading from my teabag. A dead guy said that. I guess this means when I sent that text about dying from lovesickness, I guess I should have sung that."

"Yeah, P."

"Yeah well I don't think you mind my notes."

"P!  What would my life be life without your drama?"

"I don't know. What would it be like?"

"It would be miserable. I'd just have Dora for drama but this way I have two drama girls.."

"I thought I could get old and retire. If it turns out I have to fight another war, I am going to be one grouchy bastard. No, I t'won't be happy t'all."

ha ha 

at first i thought you meant tea-leaf reading. "say whhhha?"

"I got some new drinking glasses with a wide mouth," I said. "That was really surprising to see you unable to drink from a glass due your nose size but don't worry, I've got some glasses to accomodate a Rhino 'round here now."

"If you'd have been my little girl I'd have bought you a tea set."

"A tea set?"

"Yeah. One of those tea sets. I'd have got you one of those and sat at a little table and drank tea with ya.  And all the stuffed animals would be lined up to have tea too and I'd call 'em by whatever you said their names were."

"That's awfully sweet."

"Well I love ya, P."

AWWWWWWW... Taurus love

best thing I've heard all day.

OMG

That is the sweetest thing I've probably ever heard!!!!!

'Well there has always been something wrong with me. I'm a spic. I'm a white guy. I'm a soldier... I am always something that nobody wants except for P-peroni! P-peroni loves me and for the life of me, I don't think I'll ever be able to figure out why."

"But you know I do."

"I know you do."

"Some of these people make no sense to me at all. I just can't fathom them. I could not possible be more bewildered and it does stress me."

"Well, P, that's because they concoct this stuff in their ass. Yeah, the make the theory up right there in their ass and then they believe it and they want you to believe it."

"Concoct it in their ass?  Their ass is a theory factory?"

"Why yes, P, that's right. A brain can't come up with something as stupid as that, you've to use your ass."

Ha Ha!  The man is a philosopher for the new age.  You should write another book, Sayings of the Soldier or Rhinosophy 101.

"We haven't fought for awhile," I said.

"Oh, I'm sure you're saving up for something."

"No, you. You're saving up and gonna start some shit."

"Yeah, I'm sure you're stockpiling secret weaponry so you can spring it on me unawares."

 
"Come on."

"And I'll say uh oh. What is P wielding this time?"

"Yeah, they make the stuff up in their ass and then try to sell it to you which is why I think we should do the same thing.  That's why I want to bag our farts and sell 'em. Come on, P, let's do it. Let's sell us some farts!"

:)

Lol I thought of the soldier today while at the museum..

He should thank God he's the handsome rhino that he is..

And not this ugly MOFO..

ok it didn't work

i tried shrinking the pics but it messed up

Here are the links instead..

Rhino.. http://www.aazkdetroit.org/images/rhino.jpg

Ugly MOFO.. http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1172/1099511146_52ced0e2db.jpg?v=0

That is an ugly beast, Liz. He is now wondering if rhinos could be trained for battle as elephants were.  "You'd stick a spear in one of them and they may die but  not before they charge... they'd break up the line for sure.  But I don't think rhinos could be trained."

"Me neither."

His son sent me this - it's his dad. ;0

The soldier reports tonight that he is now able to read and comprehend 400 words a minute. He is looking for 1000 words a minute and started at 160.  He plans to read heath care bills and the like with his new skills.

Oddly, the other ret SF guy I know read the bill... apparently this is something smart people want to do. 

 "Dora was getting her hair done in the salon today,"I said. "There was an old woman in there, OLD. She was yelling and the stylist was yelling back loud. WHEN ARE YOU GOING? MARCH! she yelled right into her ear. Right into it!  Anyway the woman was getting her hair dyed. Dyed for Godsakes, because she was 95! She was cracking jokes. I'M 95, she yelled. I GOT AN EXCUSE! I think she was 87 and lyin'.  You know. If you're 95 you can say anything you want.

"Yeah, my grandmother used to embarrass me like that. She was old. She was all wrinkled and she saw another woman all wrinkled just  like herself and she she said, LOOK AT THAT! AN ACCORDIAN'S GOT NOTHING ON HER!"

I wish I could read that bill but i just don't have it in me at the present time.

"I'm going to call our ranch, P's Lonely Ranch. Yep, that's what it's going to be and I'lll have a sign up people can drive under and one side I'll have a bust of Cluck and on the other side will be a bust of Dora."

I laughed.

"And people will say what is that? What is that thing? I don't know, I'll them.  You must know they'll say. Oh. Well that is a bust of a chupacabra, I'll say. Yep, I'll tell them Dora is a chupacabra, P," he said with a self-satisfied chuckle.

Images of the chupacabra

'I've come up with levels of hogness. P and right now I am a red level hog."

"What?"

"I am a hog at the red level," he said. "That's the highest alert you can get.  The hog of all hogs is a red level hog which is what I am.  The next level would be orange. An orange level hog is still a hog, he's a hog all right but he's not quite as bad as the red level hog."

"I see. You've not been home for years."

"Now, P, I'm telling you about hogs right now.  The next hog on the scale is a yellow level hog and he's the guy who is on his way red level hog but not too far along or a hog who have been losing some poundage.  He is still a hog, he know it, everyone who sees him knows it. They say, there goes a hog when he walks by."

"I said you've not been home!"

"The last level hog and is the green hog and he is also a hog but barely.  So there you have it P. Those are the hog levels and your husband is a red level hog trying to get to green."

"Oh for Godsakes! You're not a hog of any color however you've not been home in a long time."

"P, we saw each other last week!"

"We did not."

"We did so. You met me on the road."

"Well I don't remember."

"Are you sure, P.  Big. Pig. Big. Pig. In the bed. Don't you remember now, P, do ya? I was in bed like a big pig, too big to get up.  Do you remember now, P? Do ya?"

"Well, I am at the rest area and about to put on my PT gear and get out there and treat everyone a chance to see the exercising pig.Yep, it's the exercising pig all right, look at him. Look mom, the kids'll say. Look over there, it's the exercising pig!"

hahahaha!

this man is a riot.

"What am I gonna do, P? I'm lovesick."

"Oh, I expect you'll go in the truck stop to eat and watch some tv as you usually do."

"Yeah, I'll go eat but I hate going in there to eat 'cause they got a salad bar and as soon as the waitresses see me they dive over it. Yep, the dive over it to hide if from me with their bodies. Don't let that pig see all this."

I snorted. "Go eat!"

"I'm goin'. You tell Dora to keep lyin' in her bed there makin' jobs. How many jobs has she created so far?"

"20."

"Good, good. Well you tell her to keep at it, I'm goin' in."

"I've left the truck stop, those sons of bitches, I'm can't watch tv, the chairs in there are hard as a brick!"

"What?"

"Yeah, fuck it.  They've got these hard as a brick chairs. They do it on purpose so your ass don't hang around. They got the McDonald;s model. You know how their chairs are hard, they're uncomfortable as they can be, the tables are all cramped together?  That's so you'll eat and get the fuck out, motherfucker. Yeah, P, it's on purpose, the rotten bastards. I watched Abs and I would have like to watch Monk but the chairs are hard as a brick and some fat trucker was in there and he kept talking to me. Aw, well fuck it! I am love with my lovely wife, P, who is the loveliest in all the land."

I love these!!!

"I've named my truck, Vuvula," he said. "You know, like vulva."

I laughed.

"Yep, my other truck was Bessie but this truck is not as masculine as that one so I've decided to call her Vuvula."

"So you're riding in a pussy?"

"Yep and it feels good."

Some of the soldier's friends gave us a gift card at a steak place.

"We've gotta go eat our steak dinner, P, before they go out of business."

I roared.

"Yep, pretty soon Clunk better watch himself, people are going to be eying him. Dora's got no worries but Cluck? They're going to look at him and say that looks like a ham steak walking down the road. Yep, Cluck better watch himself for sure."

I ate some halloween candy - I am hypo-glycemic

"Yep, in a couple hours you'll be like gas molecules in a heated glass."

 ::sighs::