Ok I KNOW what it is, but, what is it REALLY?  I know there are a lot of people that are attractive that I'd like to shag but, really?  I can only do one person at a time, I mean, even if we CALL ourselves "friends".  Does that mean that FWB is a sexual/friendship that is "going to go nowhere" because neither person plans on getting married or having "feelings" for the other person?  I could never shag a person that I just "kinda like"...what's up with that?  If I am shagging you, I REALLY like you. It means I am willing to let you into my comfort zone, in all ways...

Thoughts?

I always thought friends with benefits were friends you had that had medical insurance and retirement...............

(just kidding)

To the point, I think men are more apt to this thinking then women are.

Mars in Cancer trine Venus in Scorpio agrees. I have to really like the person. I mean, I can do it even when I don't like him so much, but then I'd feel crappy about it. I'd be all like yuck...

And another thing, the whole FWB concept is a little shaky, because you CAN end up falling for that person or vice versa, and things could end really badly.

btw. I like your usage of the word "shag", Austin Powers is going to be re-watched tonight.

Ive taken it to mean 'regular hookup/booty call', as in banging without the lead-up of a date. The guy gets off cheap, and I think that it perpetuates the 'man-child' phenomenon that we see so much of, these days. It used to be that a guy would at least pay a whore for sex, but now he can just get it anywhere for no effort/expenditure at all, if he just phrases the terms as such. It reduces a chick to nothing more than a wet hole to put his junk into, yes ?

I think FWB is just a sex hook.

I mean sex, you get along well, and you have an agreement about that. No compromise, not love. Maybe the best option for people who have comitment issues but wants to get laid.

I don´t think is an actual friendship (real friendship is just that---friendship) Friendship is about fraternal love. And when you add love to FWB mix--- well you have a different story now. And then is when thing get complicated.

FWB, is not a relationship "structure" I would choose, if you ask me.

So, is FWB JUST for sex and nothing else?  I mean, you don't hang out with them, you JUST have sex. 

Some of my younger friends are into FWB. They say it's 'shagging' without any strings attached. And no they don't hang out with them... More like booty calls. 

It's a person who wants to have sex with you without commitment.  If both parties are straightforward about this I see no problem with it.  I've done it myself. 

Why, you ask? I want to know who I'm having sex with, I want all that akwardness of the first time over and done with.  For me, new is not good.  The good sexy stuff comes out when I feel comfortable.

There are periods in my life that I don't want anyone making demands on my time or emotions.  I'm all booked up, family has all my attention (like right now).  But I don't want a one night stand or one month stand or fling or...

I want someone I can go to breakfast with who's not going to get all weird on me thinking I want more and then distance himself.  I want his friendship, and his wang, and that's about all I can handle.

edit:  casual exes are great for this.  Been there, done that, didn't work, and now you get to save the best thing about your relationship.  

To me, a FWB is simply an open relationship. You like the person's company, you have sex, but it is assumed that both parties are free to have sex with other people.

Not everyone's cup of tea, but for some, an effective way to let chemistry and trust develop naturally.

I find this so grody. Come on, people. I am beginning to see the fruits of sexual permissiveness in my friends right now, and it's just as I thought. It is a disaster. In order to be able to engage in this kind of childish nonsense, you have to decide you're never going to grow up or grow as a person, you will now be shutting of your soul and your conscience, enslaving it to your body alone, and living as if you are just a thing to be satiated interacting with other "things" that need satisfaction instead of whole beings, body/mind/soul. 

What a jip. 

I've only had one partner, and absolutely: sometimes I wonder what "I am missing." But I definitely know what I have: I have security, loyalty, I am free of disease, I know where he is and when he'll come back if he has to leave somewhere. I don't have to vy for his attention or hope he'll pick up the phone at 2am cuz I need a booty call. I have the privilege of caring for each other's needs, of knowing each other's quirks, weaknesses and strengths. I know what it is to hate someone and find them incredibly annoying, stinky, boring, whatever -- but to see the inherent worth in them and to find attraction to them again and have sex with them in a fun, comfortable, loving, caring way. 

Having FWB is something cowards do, in my opinion. Sure. They're ballsy enough to  get naked in front of another person, but animals do the same thing. Can you bear your soul? Can you share your heart? Can you then STILL get naked with that person? That takes courage. And that brings a true reward. 

Post 8 and 9 have it about right.

I see nothing childish about it all: it's a good solution to people with strong sexual needs who need to live on their own, as I do. On the contrary, it requires a degree of maturity to handle it well, and not to create dramas where the deal is, that there are none. It requires maturity to respect other people's natures and their boundaries. Sex needn't always be 'all in'

And yes: sometimes it does turn into a serious affair, and what's wrong with that? Why are Americans so determined to pigeonhole every damn thing? What's wrong with a bit of adaptability and fluidity in people's lives? What's so great about serial monogamy anyway? - it causes at least as much grief, real deep down grief, as living your life with less "committment" - and a lot fewer demands on others!

thm, you also posted recently that people who don't want children are childish and selfish, or words to that effect. I really do think you should accept that there are different strokes for different folks. We are not all made for family life.

Easy sex. It's a way to get all the benefits of a relationship (but mostly sex because if they actually did anything else it'd be called dating) without having to have any commitment to the person whatsoever. It's cheap frankly.

Most of the time a man or woman who has little self-respect and cares about someone figures that if they enter into this kind of a relationship it will go further like some kind of Justin Timberlake movie, but it mostly never does and it mostly ends with someone getting themselves hurt because they don't know how to have boundaries.

This is speaking from my generation. There are entirely too many people wandering around in a similar situation who get upset when they give out and then realize the other person doesn't give a shit about them beyond their body parts. Ahem.

I have NEVER seen this work out. I don't think it's possible. Of course I am of the belief that men and women can't be "friends" in the first place so adding sex to that is a joke to me.

People have their reasons for doing what they do and it doesn't make them a coward or a person who has "shut off their soul" What is wrong with enjoying sex with someone on a casual basis if you're a single person? What if someone REALLY enjoys sex and they are single?? What are they supposed to do?

With all my air I am very capable of detaching and having sex with someone just for the sex. I've done this before, in my case though he wanted to hang out and I was not interested then he got all creepy. At the time I was in love with someone but we couldn't be together. He satisfied me emotionally, I just needed the sex.

It's amazing to me how judgemental some people can be about others who choose not to live such narrow and confined lives as they do. Some of us prefer to experience all life has to offer, and that doesn't make us cowards. Some of us prefer to live with wider boundaries than others, and to take the knocks which may ensue.

Some of us just love sex for it's own sake, so long as we have affection and some rapport with our sexual partner. WTF is wrong with that!? Jeez.

I can tell you one thing, having been through one divorce, I certainly wouldn't want to go through two, three, four or five like some on here. I'd rather live alone and enjoy sex with men I find pleasing.

Can we quit the name calling please, when others (who may have a bit more life experience) choose to make other choices than ourselves?

Nobody who knows me has ever accused me of living my life in a cowardly manner, fwiw

Friends with benefits to me is a friend that you hook up with. That's all. They're not a stranger, they're not your significant other. They're your friend and boink them on the side.

I'm with you, THM.  Even though I'm able to do this (Venus/Uranus conjunct), I can't.

I think much more highly of myself than being just a recepticle for a dick with little other interaction.  Sorry for being crude, but that's how I see FWB.

People can do whatever they want with their bodies.

As for judging, everyone does it. Someone might disdain monogamy instead of no strings attached, but it's still the same judgment.

I try not to judge people based on their sexual decisions, if what they're doing is between two consentual adults.

However I do think there are many young people who are suffering because they have some unhealthy attitudes about their bodies and about intimacy. There are many young Americans who rely on porn for their sexual needs, to the point that they can't have a personal sexual experience (they objectify their partner too much to be emotionally intimate). There are also many young Americans - girls in particular - who think they're supposed to be 'totally fine' with casual sex, as if that's just what people do, and it's 'totally natural.' Casual sex can be very harmful for someone who has ambivalence about the value of sex.

Reading over the thread, it seems clear there are many people who engage in sexual relationships that they are not prepared for. It's unfortunate, but it doesn't have to be the norm. I personally believe people can have loving sexual relationships that are not necessarily monogamous. Maybe FWB is the wrong label this, since it has such a negative connotation.

Very good points, dorchid.

@Dorchid - To me, FWB = booty calls and then no calling back until the next time the person is "needed" (to be used).

There are also many young Americans - girls in particular - who think they're supposed to be 'totally fine' with casual sex, as if that's just what people do, and it's 'totally natural.' Casual sex can be very harmful for someone who has ambivalence about the value of sex.

Yeah, this is what I was trying to get at in my first post you put it much better. I think this happens way too much these days. It's really sad. I think a lot of girls don't respect their own boundaries and then they get hurt.

No judgement here, with me at least, I guess I don't have it in me to do it.... In some strange way, I wish I could just as easliy boink a guy casually as if it were the same thing as going grocery shopping!  

Just because two people don't want to make a commitment to one another, lifelong or otherwise, doesn't mean that making love together is like 'going grocery shopping'

Some of you really do see life in very black and white terms. It's not like that! - and it can be very limiting to think that life's greatest mysteries are entirely 'black and white'

I personally don't disdain any kind of relationships people choose to have, other than getting dead drunk, and waking up in a strange bed with a stranger. But that's not FWB or anything like it. I've had all kinds of sexual relationships and experiences on a spectrum from monogamous marriage to one night stands. I've very rarely had one I regretted.

And I certainly don't think any the less of myself for enjoying sex when and where and with whom I choose to - why should I? If I'm not in a committed relationship my body is my own, and I have the right to enjoy it as I wish.

Why should anyone imply I'm some kind of lesser person, for this?

A lot of posts on this thread seem shot through with religious puritanism - as if sex is somehow 'dirty' and demeaning if it's not hedged all round with or packaged in some kind of acceptable social straitjacket. Well, fuck that :)

This just about sums up how I feel about the way I've led my love life

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=280990808626202&set=a.272576406134309.64128.100001458551459&type=1&theater

Lol, BP :)

lol!!

;)

i would've added the post-coital cigarette but y'know how people feel about cancer sticks :)

Hahaha! I gave those up aged c27, ie a long time ago - time was me and my man of the moment schlepped around all the local fag machines at midnight before we'd go to bed, since the experience wouldn't be complete without one

Btw, my post at 26 is my shortest evah

LOL to lounging Mona Lisa! :)

"Friends with benefits" is a silly phrase but I have no problems whatsoever with that relationship structure if it's what both people want. I admit I'm amazed at the vehemence of those in the anti-FWB, too.

I do know this.  I've never called anyone here Grody, or cheap. 

Many posts are implying the girl is being used.  Then it's not really FWB, at least not for her...she has a secret agenda. If she accepts something like FWB when what she really wants is a relationship with the guy, she made her own misery because she wasn't honest.

I know it may be hard to believe but some people might not be ready for the demands of a relationship for various reasons.  It's a person's choice whether they want to put in the hard work, and compromise. 

Yet they stil have sexual needs.  No one should say, no relationship, no sex.  If it's all right between the two people, and they're not hurting anyone else, it's their perogative.

Yup, their perogative; but I just don't see much in it for most gals. I'm very undemanding in relationship, but totally detached bump & grind would leave me wanting something more. Blame my Cancer/Venus and Libra/Moon. I hope no one was thinking that I was being judgemental, although I was pretty clear that I don't think a whole lot about males who conduct themselves this way as a rule. I just feel like women deserve better, but if everybody's happy, they hey...

The truth is, FWB doesn't work for a lot of people.  It has nothing to do with secret agendas, either.

If it turns into a using game, which is sadly encouraged among young men these days, it's lose-lose for both people involved.

I agree with LeS; both partners deserve better.

I had a chance to do FWB, and as I said above, I could have, because I have that Venus/Uranus detachment.  I passed, because I knew doing that would have left me ice cold.  Sex isn't supposed to do that.

@Brizo - I didn't call any one cheap. I called the act cheap.

yes, I re-read what you wrote and you're right, you said frankly, it's cheap.  I stand corrected.

Sport fuck.  I was never satisfied with that form of masterbation.  It's a nice term for a guy that wants sex but not you. 

youguys, what about if you want sex but not him? 

@Brizo - I've always had a very powerful imagination. :)

What about if you want sex but not him?

Still ice cold.

"Friends with benefits" is exactly whatever the person using the term means it to be. I suspect that is a wide spectrum, whether from the inside or from the outside.

My experience of it has nothing to do with cheap or cold or any negative perceptions.

I also don't (or hope I don't) presume to know what other people are up to in their bedrooms, hallways, kitchens, bathrooms, cars, or back alleys etc.

(Excepting people who do shit to people without consent.)   

*Sighs* I could do it , but it's the fear of all those "incurable" diseases that got me spooked.

So says my Scorp stellium , which has been over-ruled by my Virgo ascendant.